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Sexual Assault Unsure how to define this - 2 years of um coerced sex

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And I also studied the stoics.

Many will out of hand reject out of a preference for the strength of emotivity the techniques. They don't, though, replace "feelings"... they are rather recognized as being perceptual, and perceptions are to be examined and investigated... and challenged... and resolved. It put the onus for moving through on ME... the ONE thing I could apply efforts to that would resolve in small or big ways my issues around an event, a situation or a culmination of tragedy/adversity/abuse/victimhood. What I can control stops at the end of my nose. IF I am still suffering a decade or several decades post incident/traumatic event(s)… WHO'S hurting me? I AM.

Personally, REBT has giving me the most sustainable and reliable traction so far as the after effects of emotional distress on trauma and how to get out of my own damn way and get on with living. It has elements that promote examining perceptions/thoughts/feelings through the lens of rationality v.s. emotivity. That's what worked for me.
 
Clarify how/why you made the decision and focus on the purpose... should you elect to continue. Examine your purpose/intent.
We decided vaguely a few weeks back cos she couldn't make it to my 30th, just started making plans. It's not actually related to all this stuff in my head. (or if it is, the stuff is in my head because I'm meeting her, not I'm meeting her because of that, if that makes any sense at all)
Like we're just overdue catching up, normal meet up for no specific purpose or reason other than it's been a couple of years since we last did.
The thing that helped me most after arresting forays into an eating disorder, substance abuse (booze) and agoraphobia... none of which I recommend was REBT materials and techniques particularly on unconditional self acceptance. I immersed myself in all things Al Ellis for a while.
Thanks :) I'm at work on a Nightshift just now but I'll have a look at videos when I'm home. Appreciate you taking time to find them for me :)
Both exit and coping post the meeting.
Yeah. Probably post meeting would be a bigger issue. Because it just usually is for me. Like I rarely feel the need to actually escape somewhere. Then my brain gets flooded once I leave. But what I'll be doing in the days after depends on what dates we end up picking really.
Remember, also, you a, survived the original everything, b, now is not then, c, you got lot more skills, life experience, support, now, than you had then.
Thanks :)
 
why are you going?

I think that's the first question.

You obviously don't want to -- it makes me wonder if its guilt that you got out and she didn't that makes you feel like you have to keep in touch with her?
 
why are you going?
Actually just to catch up. We have a current friendship but it's mostly online these days cos distance/laziness/kids/life. Most of our chat is random current blahblah. Like when she was gonna come to Scotland my main worry was how id say no to her bringing her bf if she asked. Not anything to do with me or her.
You obviously don't want to
:laugh: I'm just a weirdo right now. I want to see her, current her, I'm just not sure that's fully possible? Like given we have a rather eventful history together. I just don't want to talk about around 90% of that time, and I don't want to have to tell her I don't want to. Online it doesn't matter so much cos yeah.
it makes me wonder if its guilt that you got out and she didn't that makes you feel like you have to keep in touch with her?
Nah, I don't feel like I *have* to keep in touch with her. Yeah, I feel guilty for leaving and some other stuff, but I don't think that's affecting whether I speak to her or not. It's just something I ignore and shove away when I'm actually speaking to her.

I dunno, I'm just being a weirdo.
 
:laugh: I'm just a weirdo right now. I want to see her, current her, I'm just not sure that's fully possible? Like given we have a rather eventful history together.
.

I think I empathise with this a bit.

I guess i’d Ask what catching up/this friendship brings to you? questioning the value of friendships with people who had been in the unhealthy social circle with me a few years ago has been difficult. I am still in touch with a precious few I love. However, I am aware that this brings the ‘stuff’ up, and the unsafety closer to home.
 
Im gonna be a bigger weirdo and say awh hell, why not - its actually darned awesome things work for you guys in any way even after all that, I dont see a relation being unhealthy just because the histories might have been. So you were through a tough time together, and now are both different people than then. That isnt dishonesty or anything, thats Good for you, cheering on.

& Yeah, I kept in touch with a few like that / try to whenever we can... Was actually healthier in the years out and when we had the time to be casual, get to know each other and who we are when not in deep mess and working on a way out. So that you *can* may be an asset.
 
I guess i’d Ask what catching up/this friendship brings to you?
I dunno how to answer this. We have a current friendship, one that guys, outside her bf who was basically separate n just attends same mosque, aren't involved in. We talk about kid stuff and work/college stuff and it's really very normal, like nothing even happened.
The issue is kind of that online we can be like "oh mind that situation/person/day, blahblah question" and that is okay. Doesn't bother me, we spoke about it all the time when I was actually there. Our current friendship is solid, I'm just more uncomfy discussing past shit than I was at the time. So past shit has become a convo that was okay, but isn't now (in person, online it's okay and I'll just reply when I feel up to it).
The friendship brings usual stuff, there's an honesty and lack of judgement I didn't have until her. We encourage each other to do good shit like college and uni. She calls me out on my bullshit.
I talk about H on here mostly as the teen she was ten years ago, because that's when shit went on. But her current friendship is valuable to me, as it would be if I met her now. It's definitely complicated. But it's not a friendship I want to lose.
So you were through a tough time together, and now are both different people than then. That isnt dishonesty or anything, thats Good for you, cheering on
Thanks. Appreciate your reply. It's weird, because I feel like people get the wrong idea of her, or wrong idea of how I look at her (I don't pity her for still being there, her choices. I just go through periods of feeling guilty). Like things are different now. It's just difficult right now because my brain is ruminating over old stuff. Complicates things.
 
@Chris-duck i would say that ‘what people get the idea of’ isn’t of primary importance. Our job in asking questions is not to have you question Yourself / your instinct but rather to help you find it?

If all of us said the cloud was black and from your side it’s white it could be that the sun is shining on it from your side and you can see it better- while we are merely squinting at something blocking out the light? Does that make sense?
 
I dunno how to answer this. We have a current friendship, one that guys, outside her bf who was basically separate n just attends same mosque, aren't involved in. We talk about kid stuff and work/college stuff and it's really very normal, like nothing even happened.
The issue is kind of that online we can be like "oh mind that situation/person/day, blahblah question" and that is okay. Doesn't bother me, we spoke about it all the time when I was actually there. Our current friendship is solid, I'm just more uncomfy discussing past shit than I was at the time. So past shit has become a convo that was okay, but isn't now (in person, online it's okay and I'll just reply when I feel up to it).
The friendship brings usual stuff, there's an honesty and lack of judgement I didn't have until her. We encourage each other to do good shit like college and uni. She calls me out on my bullshit.
I talk about H on here mostly as the teen she was ten years ago, because that's when shit went on. But her current friendship is valuable to me, as it would be if I met her now. It's definitely complicated. But it's not a friendship I want to lose.

Thanks. Appreciate your reply. It's weird, because I feel like people get the wrong idea of her, or wrong idea of how I look at her (I don't pity her for still being there, her choices. I just go through periods of feeling guilty). Like things are different now. It's just difficult right now because my brain is ruminating over old stuff. Complicates things.
I'm just going to say it like this. Who cares what anybody else thinks. If you love her you love her and that's your business alone. It doesn't matter what anybody else says. You know her as a person, nobody here does. You don't owe an explanation.
 
i would say that ‘what people get the idea of’ isn’t of primary importance.
Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound dismissive or like I don't appreciate input. It's not that at all, it's just that I feel like I give a very one sided view of things, because I'm not really on here talking about all the good shit with her, know what I mean?
If all of us said the cloud was black and from your side it’s white it could be that the sun is shining on it from your side and you can see it better- while we are merely squinting at something blocking out the light? Does that make sense?
Yeah, it's more grey ;)
Like I know it's a bit dysfunctional. I'm kinda mid fallout from talking about all this right now tbh. Very minimising and dismissive (and when I notice those things in myself you know it's bad ;) ) there's definitely a kind of lingering "nobody gets it except her", but I know that she's still semi in it, she thinks it was bad, but she also needs to think "not that bad tho", so both our judgements are flawed. But even though I'm trying to see different angles, part of me still doesn't see it.
I'm just going to say it like this. Who cares what anybody else thinks. If you love her you love her and that's your business alone. It doesn't matter what anybody else says. You know her as a person, nobody here does. You don't owe an explanation.
Thanks. I know I'll get fallout from meeting her, cos it's still a wee trip down memory lane regardless of who we are now. But yeah. I dunno. I'm being argumentative and annoying now. Sorry.
 
Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound dismissive or like I don't appreciate input. It's not that at all, it's just that I feel like I give a very one sided view of things, because I'm not really on here talking about all the good shit with her, know what I mean?

Yeah, it's more grey ;)
Like I know it's a bit dysfunctional. I'm kinda mid fallout from talking about all this right now tbh. Very minimising and dismissive (and when I notice those things in myself you know it's bad ;) ) there's definitely a kind of lingering "nobody gets it except her", but I know that she's still semi in it, she thinks it was bad, but she also needs to think "not that bad tho", so both our judgements are flawed. But even though I'm trying to see different angles, part of me still doesn't see it.

Thanks. I know I'll get fallout from meeting her, cos it's still a wee trip down memory lane regardless of who we are now. But yeah. I dunno. I'm being argumentative and annoying now. Sorry.
You're not being annoying or argumentative at all.
 
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