Sexual Assault Unsure how to define this - 2 years of um coerced sex

[Chris-duck]

Wondering how post this discussion fared for you?

Ehh, I'm really not sure. I read through it once and realised I hadn't actually read any of my own posts (Cos hey, I have a vague idea what I said anyway right ;) ) so I read it again, but I just feel really disconnected from it. Like my head's a bit like "Yah, that's what happened, yah, that's how it sounds to people, yup. About right", there's no real thought or feeling attached to it. I tried to access *something* about what I thought or felt or something, but it doesn't really *feel* like it's talking about me and my life? I dunno, it comes in phases I guess and I'm mostly just frustrated and feel kinda stupid that I can't come up with a real insightful post about how it's going for me.. :cautious: :rolleyes:

 

[Ronin]

Hey, its the little insights that do the big shifts over time just well. Not just the fast & big ones.

 

[The Albatross]

@Chris-duck - for that I always do rereads til it normalizes. Not for everybody maybe, but for me... it was imperative that I deal with the disconnectedness and resultant emotions so that I could learn management techniques and incorporate the experiences as part of my life (the universal self acceptance aspect that has helped me so much from REBT). In that way I have pretty much conquered the guilt/shame/self blame.

 

[Chris-duck]

Bumping this thread cos similar situations are in the media right now, they've reopened Rochdale and Rotherham grooming gang things cos police have come out and apologised for how it was handled originally. I've had a lot of self blame thoughts since it came back around, because the original reports said that the girls were engaging in prostitution with adult men (Both of these examples are british-pakistani, my guys were Sudanese). And the main argument for why the girls weren't at fault is that they were under 16. I was over 16.

It also f*cks with my head because in those cases girls were picked up from care homes with new girls in care, in my case it was a short term homeless accommodation for under 21s, so it's a different age group, but same idea. I dunno if I feel like it doesn't matter cos I was over 16 or if I am feeling like I was targeted cos I was living in a vulnerable people accom? I can't decide.

I just feel weird about this again, and I figured I'd reopen my own old thread instead of starting a new one cos it's the same shit.

 

[Mee]

Bumping this thread cos similar situations are in the media right now, they've reopened Rochdale and Rotherham grooming gang things cos police have come out and apologised for how it was handled originally. I've had a lot of self blame thoughts since it came back around, because the original reports said that the girls were engaging in prostitution with adult men (Both of these examples are british-pakistani, my guys were Sudanese). And the main argument for why the girls weren't at fault is that they were under 16. I was over 16.

It also f*cks with my head because in those cases girls were picked up from care homes with new girls in care, in my case it was a short term homeless accommodation for under 21s, so it's a different age group, but same idea. I dunno if I feel like it doesn't matter cos I was over 16 or if I am feeling like I was targeted cos I was living in a vulnerable people accom? I can't decide.

I just feel weird about this again, and I figured I'd reopen my own old thread instead of starting a new one cos it's the same shit.

Chris duck- I was 36/37 when I was deceived in to a relationship- Rape by deception. I don’t think I was ‘less vulnerable’ than I was as a teen. I was less vulnerable than I was as a younger child sure.

We have a bizarre social attitude to this where sympathy seems to cut off at age of majority- but I increasingly believe we are susceptible to what ithink of as cultural grooming - in media, social stereotypes, cultural expectations.

I fully believe you deserve the same compassion at 6, 16 or 60 for sexual assault.

 

[Chris-duck]

I fully believe you deserve the same compassion at 6, 16 or 60 for sexual assault

I agree. I just dunno how to explain this situation, like I wasn't in a relationship with anyone. I get how the facts don't change, but part of my brain is like "huh, maybe it was just prostitution ?"

 

[Mee]

I agree. I just dunno how to explain this situation, like I wasn't in a relationship with anyone. I get how the facts don't change, but part of my brain is like "huh, maybe it was just prostitution ?"

And? If there were an element of sex work or not doesn’t change the impact of something non consensual occurring, and something non consensual can occur and try and be dismissed by the perp to themselves as ok by saying ‘ s/he was a sex worker/ crazy/ asking for it/ whatever’.

incidentally I read something I haven’t fact checked this week that the average age for entering sex work in the states is 14. If that’s true then it is not indicative of an industry taking consent terribly seriously. I feel that while at the same time supporting rights of all se workers.

 

[Chris-duck]

@Mee I dunno how to reply. I know I didn't agree, but I know I had capacity to agree or not. N I know kids who couldn't consent were arrested for prostitution in similar circumstances. I just can't make sense of anything in my brain today, heh

 

[Mee]

@Mee I dunno how to reply. I know I didn't agree, but I know I had capacity to agree or not. N I know kids who couldn't consent were arrested for prostitution in similar circumstances. I just can't make sense of anything in my brain today, heh

you don’t have to ?

If you didn’t consent .... you didn’t consent. If you consented and were coerced to consent .... you didn’t consent.
If you had capacity to consent and didn’t.... you did not consent.


Just because the law hasn’t worked for people doesn’t mean it’s worked or been fit for purpose. Increasingly we are seeing it being challenged. The law was not written by specialists in consent and trauma.

 

[Ronin]

Just because you had the capacity to (dis) agree doesn't mean the situation allowed for it.

Or that it would have been safe.

If it wasn't safe for you & yours to say no, in whatever fashion, and have that completely respected with no harm and/or insult following?

Then that's a shit situation and not your blame and shame to take.

Possible artificial legal lines around it are just that... some policy making morons who never were in your shoes needing a better clue by four, to make better policies in the future.

 

[Mee]

Possible artificial legal lines around it are just that... some policy making morons who never were in your shoes needing a better clue by four, to make better policies in the future.

You know, sometimes the more you read a person, the more you like them. ?

 

[Chris-duck]

If you didn’t consent .... you didn’t consent. If you consented and were coerced to consent .... you didn’t consent.
If you had capacity to consent and didn’t.... you did not consent

If it wasn't safe for you & yours to say no, in whatever fashion, and have that completely respected with no harm and/or insult following?

Then that's a shit situation and not your blame and shame to take

I think I get both of these, like the moment I blame myself for in most situations (excluding it starting in the first place), has only been seconds, like between "huh weird" and "oh f*ck". Where I don't think I would blame other people for, but I feel like I should have known, before signs were apparent. Like I dunno how to explain, just I think my brain expands the gap between realising something is wrong and being totally f*cked, like it's probably just a few seconds. But I have all these ideas about wtf I coulda done in that time :laugh: