Unsure What To Do About Unusual Self Harm

[Luwane]

I live with someone who self harms in a strange way. The person punches themselves very hard on the forehead and pulls their hair when they're stressed. I have asked them to stop, but they refuse to. I have noticed some odd behaviour too since this. Memory isn't so good, and stringing a sentence together isn't the same. I'm worried they'll do themselves some real harm and don't know what to do. We're both currently isolated so there's no one to ask for advice. The person may get angry too if they are confronted about it. This is someone who isn't on any meds, doesn't drink or take any drugs.

 

[Joriru]

They need to seek a therapist first and second, a self harmer cant "just stop". Please become educated on self harm (it will help you):

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/self-injury/home/ovc-20165425

Most especially: Link Removed

Pulling hair out is a condition called trichotillomania: Link Removed

Self harm is a maladative coping mechnisism for emotional pain and needs theraputic help to learn better coping mechnisism. I am also a self harmer and my therapist has not in 7 years asked me to stop but the more I learn better ways to cope the less i do it.

Please dont act upset or make her feel bad for doing it. She doesnt know any other way to cope right now.

And self harm is NOT a suicide attempt.

Right now id pull up and google self harm and read as much as you can about it. And nudge her to therapy as having someone to talk to about it should be a relief. If she pushes back i would guess she's scared. So gently nudge her but she needs therapy.

 

[Luwane]

Thanks for all of this, person refuses therapy. I'm worried they might seriously damage their brain as the punches are very hard. It's upsetting and frightening to witness.

 

[Bisu]

I dont know many self harmers, including myself, that do it in front of others nor want to do it so maybe she refuses therapy due to fear. If you come at it much more educated, understanding and empathic rather than horrified (not saying that's bad, its a normal reaction but it also makes self harm worse, for me anyway) then I think she might try a therapist.

Try offering to go with her at first and then tell her that you will leave the sessions whenever she wants you to and only when she's comfortable for you to. Dont assume she wants a female as though one of my teo main abusers was a man and mostly men abused me, im terrified of women and have a male therapist and all of my Drs are men. Ask her which she prefers.

I suppose Im advising out of order but, have a dialog about it after you educate yourself about self harm. Not a therapist like dialog, just a caring empathic, "i love and care about your physical and emotional wellbeing" kind. If i know someone understands it I will talk about it. My step sister saw my scares and said "that's where you cut isnt it", i talked to her about it and about my past. She used to be a self harmer too and i never knew that.

Does any of that make sense?

Id say in order: educate, dialog, offer to go with as you are gently nudging therapy.

 

[Ake]

I do roughly the same thing. However, I never do it when there is anyone watching. I can imagine it would be scary to witness. Do you know whether this person is doing this in front of you because they can't stop themselves, or because they are trying to communicate something and don't know a better way?

There are many different reasons for self-harm, so why I do it may not be the same as another person's reasons. I have times when it gets better, and then life gets stressful again and it's back. Can I stop? With a huge amount of effort, yes. The fact that I don't do it in front of others means I have some amount of control. Kind of like how if you had a really bad stomach flu, you could probably drag yourself out of bed to go to work if you really had to, but it would take a huge amount out of you and as soon as possible you'd collapse into bed again. I do my best to control it, but mostly, I work on processing the trauma that presumably is causing the symptom.

I have no idea why I self-harm like this and not in a more usual way. It's just a very strong compulsion.

This person really does need therapy. Do you know why they are refusing? Could it be that they are afraid of being judged or shamed?

 

[Orip]

I was taught that any positive action can be used to replace self-harm.

I would make a fist with one hand and hold my other hand over my heart and do deep breathing exercises when I wanted to self-harm, then I would use positive distraction, (which could be any positive action....(I often chose to color in a coloring book), and also cognitive processing to find the negative thoughts behind the urge to act out against myself.

Once I knew the core thought behind the urge I would work to change that thought (or belief)! It took a lot of time and practice and a few failures, but I beat the urges to self-harm.

 

[Osag]

Holding ice cubes worked for me for years. It did stop working but that is because i was after more pain but it does work for a lot for good. It stings so you have the pain but it doesnt injure you.

Some have come up with other techniques (which are also in my DBT book to distract from self harm) put rubber bands on your wrist and snap it when you want to self harm. Draw lines on your body with red sharpue where you want to cut. Those never worked for me.

I have an adult coloring book and it is very soothing, helps anxiety, and distracts but it doesnt distract me from cutting. Neither does any of DBT distraction techniques. But thats just me.

 

[Ohoce]

We're both currently isolated

Can you expand on this a bit. In what ways are you isolated. Do you both have PTSD?

Hitting and hair pulling for me are regressive self harm behaviours. They are ways I used to cope as a small child and are more impulsive than other forms of self harm I have used at different times. If I revert to that, it's usually indicative for me of feeling a similar of distress and helplessness that I did as a child. This may not be the same for them, but it's possible.

I would never usually self harm in front of anyone, but interestingly these behaviours, along with biting, have occasionally come up in therapy.

but they refuse to. I

Are they saying they won't stop this behaviour in front of you, or that they can't stop it?

If it's won't, then I would take the hard line with this and remove yourself when it is happening and say that you will come back to them when they have ceased the behaviour as it is too distressing for you to watch.
If it's can't, then the conversation needs to be had about getting appropriate support and therapy to help them.

The person may get angry too if they are confronted about it.

Can I ask if you are concerned for your own safety around this person?

 

[Udiv]

I punched myself in the head for years. It was like I was trying to kill something inside my skull. Started when I was about 7. If the person won't get therapy, then leave. Someone did that for me and it shook me enough to seek help. Otherwise you're enabling and putting yourself at risk.

 

[Luwane]

Thank you all for your replies. It seems they:

Can't stop doing it

Are probably ashamed about getting help

Does have a wish to die but is too scared to carry it out

Doesn't think therapy or doctors can help (a close friend died due to doctor negligence over a decade ago)

Experienced some neglect and physical abuse in childhood which seems to still bother them, can't get over the anger about it

Unsure of ptsd, doesn't seem so. But I do have it.

Totally cut off, no going outdoors for over three years in their case, and no attempts to do so. Even though exoresses a wish to be able to, but makes no attempt to work towards that - seems like excuses always being made? Because there's things they can do, but there's zero effort made to do so

Admits help is needed but never makes any attempt to get it

Yes, I do worry about my own safety here, I don't like the unpredictability and fear the violence being turned on me...

I know I need to leave. I can't manage to do it right now due to financial reasons. I don't have many options, the ones I do have could be even worse than this

I can leave the room when it's happening, but I am angry at feeling I have to

I guess I need to weigh up pros and cons, because typing this I am realising my other options might be less difficult than this current situation

 

[Aneder]

I agree that you need to leave, most especially if you are in danger and she is violent towards you, but it just makes me sad for her. Im not saying its wrong cause it isnt, Im just thinking of how bad she feels inside, know she needs help but terrified of Drs so much so that she would rather self harm...and could be violent towards you and doing it in front of you to push you away. Im not sure thats the reason but its possible.

Personally I dont self harm in front of anyone nor would I and though I explode verbally, I dont become violent nor would I. But i do push people away screaming silently in my head "please dont leave" and increase the self harm and other desructive things when they leave. Its an abandonment thing, 'leave them before they can leave me', and Im just wondering if thats what she is doing.

Like i said though, i agree that your saftey is first. It just makes me sad for her as she's got to be in a lot of emotional pain.

Its possible that she has PTSD but it sounds very much like Borderline Personality Disorder with the self harm, non-regulated emotions etc. If you stay there longer it might be worth reading up on it. I have BPD and most BPDers arent violent to people, only to themselves, but its way possible that she has cormobility (more than one mental disorder) and its also possible that her "explosions" have turned violent. All of it is non-regulated extreme emotions. I feel all emotions in their most extreme form and that's why seroquel xr's slight deadening effect is good for me. My emotions are still more extreme than most but its lower than it used to be to give me more middle ground for them. That along with DBT has helped a ton to regulate them better.

If you stay there longer while trying to find a place, it may be worth talking to her about not all Drs are the same. Therapist's arent always Drs (mine isnt), that the friend's death were over 10 yrs ago and the knowledge of mental health is much better today. And id offer to go with her if thats possible for you because it is all due to fear.

I do fear for her once you leave. It isnt healthy for you so if nothing chances then leaving would be needed but that still leaves me in fear for her. If you can get her to go to a therapist then she has a running chance after you leave. Obviously you can just leave and that wouldnt be wrong, its just a thought.

Its all sad to me for both of you.

 

[Ifopez]

It's sad because she's diminishing her future quality of life. Cutting, burning.....skin will heal. Brain trauma, not so much.