Use of substances to manage sex.

[Warrior Chicken]

Hey there, i just wonder if others out there have a tough time with sexual intimacy in committed relationships. For me, I know it’s a result of my history.
No matter how much self-work I’ve done to process stuff it’s still tough. Granted, I have made progress, but I’m not where I’d like to be.

So, being honest here. Shamefully.
I find I still self medicate before sexual intimacy in order to deal with it. Not entirely sure why I do that, but I do.

My question is - do you do that? Did you, and now don’t? How’d you get past it?

 

[somerandomguy]

I do it too. Before most sexual encounters I would have to have both medical marijuana and Viagra on board because it was the only way I could have sex without being hyperfocused on my body and my performance.

It is now simply a preference because it makes things easier, but in the past few months I have been able to have enjoyable sex without MMJ, Viagra, or both.

The first thing is that I don't think it's shameful to have to rely on substances. I'm pretty sure you feel like you have to have sex, and if that's the case (as it was with me), I think that some of us pretty much have to use substances to get through that.

The second thing is to try to get over the idea that having sex is a necessity OR to change the whole idea of sex in your mind. Since I have a life partner, I realized that thinking about sex with her was pointless outside of a broader sense of intimacy. I finally understood that she wanted the whole intimacy package, not just sex. If intimacy as a whole goes well between us, I no longer have to think about sex as a win-lose scenario because I now understand that it's ok if something goes "wrong" - we can still have intimate time.

I'm not sure I'm explaining this well at all, so feel free to ask me any questions.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

The first thing is that I don't think it's shameful to have to rely on substances. I'm pretty sure you feel like you have to have sex, and if that's the case (as it was with me), I think that some of us pretty much have to use substances to get through that.

Did how you perceive the use of substances change over time or has it been constant? As in, was it shameful at one time?
I have started to become less judgmental of myself when using a substance to get through sex, but I really wonder if there will be a day when I don’t rely on it like I do now to get through. Which is partly the reason for my post….to inquire about how others have dealt with this.

The second thing is to try to get over the idea that having sex is a necessity OR to change the whole idea of sex in your mind.

This is interesting. I’m not sure where to start with this one though. Sex is so important for my partner and has a lot to do with the intimacy aspect you mention. But also for him, the release is a very giant part of it. Sex has always been an obligation in my mind. One I don’t get to deny another of. I’ve tried to change this a bit and am able to sometimes say no. But this is temporary because my brain will push me to provide sex as it was requested. Not sure if that makes sense.
This has always been a me issue and is never caused by anything my partner does or says.

 

[somerandomguy]

Did how you perceive the use of substances change over time or has it been constant? As in, was it shameful at one time?

No, it was pretty much a boon to me because my anxiety was so bad around sex that without the substances I wouldn't have been able to do anything sexual at all.

Sex has always been an obligation in my mind. One I don’t get to deny another of.

This sounds like a message from your abuse experience. In reality, saying "no" is always an option, even if it doesn't feel like it is. What would be the worst thing that would ACTUALLY happen if you said, "I really don't feel like it tonight"?

 

[Warrior Chicken]

What would be the worst thing that would ACTUALLY happen if you said, "I really don't feel like it tonight"?

Logically, I do fully understand that I can say no and sometimes I do. The trouble I have is that the wounded part of me with regards to sex would be just fine NEVER having sex. That’s not an option though, and it is something I wonder if I can change one day. This piece is one that dominates the landscape for me. So, even if I say no….its just postponing it until sex will happen at another time.

I haven’t figured out how to separate the trauma crap inside from the part of me that just wants to experience sex without all that obligation, fear, past emotion/images/etc. and pressure to do my duty.

 

[somerandomguy]

That's a really good explanation. I had the opposite problem - I was completely obsessed with having sex even though I felt like I couldn't do it. I had to figure out that it was ok not to have sex before I could figure out how to.

 

[Elizabeth137]

Hey there, i just wonder if others out there have a tough time with sexual intimacy in committed relationships. For me, I know it’s a result of my history.
No matter how much self-work I’ve done to process stuff it’s still tough. Granted, I have made progress, but I’m not where I’d like to be.

So, being honest here. Shamefully.
I find I still self medicate before sexual intimacy in order to deal with it. Not entirely sure why I do that, but I do.

My question is - do you do that? Did you, and now don’t? How’d you get past it?

I always find that I’m drinking whenever I am intimate with my partner. I have even told him that I realized I do that and want to work on it, but haven’t had much success yet.

 

[Weemie]

I used to get black out drunk in order to cope with situations that had a risk of sexual activity, and it resulted in getting date raped a couple of times. I didn't understand at the time how consent worked and someone much older took advantage of that.

In recent years I've been able to have sexual interactions without drugs, but it was in unusual ways that didn't involve me being touched at all. I much preferred that and it made me feel safe in the moment.

There are lots of ways to have sex, and it might just look different for you than everyone else and that is OK.

 

[Renly]

You are definitely not alone!

The more I’ve been able to process the sexual traumas (primarily byway of EMDR) the less I’ve needed to rely on substances to engage in sex. It’s been a really messy and complicated process, but it’s getting better over time.

A major cognition I’ve been working on is “my body belongs to me,” which is something that is slowly getting better (even if all parts of me don’t believe it yet).

I’ve noticed sex usually goes better if I initiate it. My partner knows I’m practicing saying “No” and has been able to support me and show up for me through the whole messy process with flexibility and kindness. It’s been a bit embarrassing (shame feelings) overall, but for me I realized it’s not something I can fix all alone (it takes 2 to tango or so they say lol), so having his support has been impactful and (even though it feels like it’s taken forever and there’s been a lot of bumps in the road) we are seeing real improvements.

I would just encourage you to continue to be curious. See what you notice and what comes up. Take everything one small step at a time. Instead of using substances, experiment with other strategies and see what happens. Don’t be hard on yourself if you still need to use substance (I haven’t given them up entirely, but I am noticing as I heal, sex is actually better without substances). And remember to give yourself a lot of compassion. It’s a messy process and it takes as long as it takes, but if you keep doing the work, there’s room for healing and hope for better future sexual experiences.