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Venting Room
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D
Deleted member 1860
Ok, here is my first vent...many more likely to come, LOL
I'm sick and tired of people abandoning me! Hence, my screen name, ScaredOfLonely...Why oh WHY can't people be more supportive...I'm there for everyone else, so WHY do I get abandoned when I need people the most!?! I know I'm not a horrible person...I'm just going through a very rough time and nobody understands that!!! AARRGGHH.
I'm sick and tired of people abandoning me! Hence, my screen name, ScaredOfLonely...Why oh WHY can't people be more supportive...I'm there for everyone else, so WHY do I get abandoned when I need people the most!?! I know I'm not a horrible person...I'm just going through a very rough time and nobody understands that!!! AARRGGHH.
eminesghost
New Here
Emotional pain
My wife no longer sleeps in the same bed room with me, because I have nightmares so bad. I kick and thrash my arms, punch and curse violently after four hours of sleep. I see over and over, I smell it, remember.
My wife no longer sleeps in the same bed room with me, because I have nightmares so bad. I kick and thrash my arms, punch and curse violently after four hours of sleep. I see over and over, I smell it, remember.
I'm upset, I wish I was angry but I don't get angry. I've probablly only got myself to blame, I should of gone back to the GP sooner, I should of taken my meds , I didn't my **** up!
Gp lady tells me I'm not to see my psychologist even if I do sort of trust him, she wants me to be assessed by a psychiatric nurse, I'm frightened. My mind is now in overdrive, I'm worried. Nurse rings me, to make an appointment, not untill end of next week, I still don't want to go. I got myself totally worked up about it. Hubby says bugger GP ring psychologist and talk to him, it should be my choice it's my health. So I did, he's retired doesn't want to help, he can send my file and notes to someone else. So I freaked out, totally lost it, paniced big time, I was alone, no on to turn to, ended up ringing Lifeline councellor, she was at least someone to talk me down a bit, she reminded me about breathing etc. So I spent a miserable day, panicked and upset and tied in knots and a mess, still am, nothing resolved......but am I even slightly angry...no, **** it. Tomorrows not another day, thats bullshit, it's just more of the same crap!
Gp lady tells me I'm not to see my psychologist even if I do sort of trust him, she wants me to be assessed by a psychiatric nurse, I'm frightened. My mind is now in overdrive, I'm worried. Nurse rings me, to make an appointment, not untill end of next week, I still don't want to go. I got myself totally worked up about it. Hubby says bugger GP ring psychologist and talk to him, it should be my choice it's my health. So I did, he's retired doesn't want to help, he can send my file and notes to someone else. So I freaked out, totally lost it, paniced big time, I was alone, no on to turn to, ended up ringing Lifeline councellor, she was at least someone to talk me down a bit, she reminded me about breathing etc. So I spent a miserable day, panicked and upset and tied in knots and a mess, still am, nothing resolved......but am I even slightly angry...no, **** it. Tomorrows not another day, thats bullshit, it's just more of the same crap!
Mina
Diamond Member
I am SO frustrated. Today I had an appointment to go over the results of the MRI on my left knee. Basically, they can't find anything wrong with it. They can see the fluid on it, but there's nothing obviously wrong besides that, so they aren't sure what's causing the problem. It could be a small tear or little piece of floating cartilage, but they can't tell from the MRI. It's not conclusive. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. :mad:
So now I get to go to physical therapy for whatever the unknown problem is. And the doc is telling me I can bike, swim, or use an elliptical machine, but not run. I AM A RUNNER. I hate biking, don't like swimming for exercise (plus it misaligns my neck), and sure as hell don't like elliptical machines, or even going to the gym. I run outside. I hike outside. That is what I like, and that is what I am good at. And that's exactly what I am NOT supposed to do. :naughty: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Of course I just got a dog too, in large part so that I would have a running companion because I don't like to go by myself, especially on trails. It would be right after I get her that my knee randomly ****s up and I can't even fulfill the intended purpose of getting a dog who loves running. :wall:
Now I have to find time in my schedule for bloody physical therapy too. Like life isn't usually enough on my shoulders without that. I have no idea when I'm going to find the time to do exercises, either. They always say oh, it only takes a few minutes, and in reality "few" means "thirty."
I am so tired of this. If it's not my mind, it's my body. If it's not my body, it's my mind. Can I just catch a ****ing break?!?!? *frustrated tears*
So now I get to go to physical therapy for whatever the unknown problem is. And the doc is telling me I can bike, swim, or use an elliptical machine, but not run. I AM A RUNNER. I hate biking, don't like swimming for exercise (plus it misaligns my neck), and sure as hell don't like elliptical machines, or even going to the gym. I run outside. I hike outside. That is what I like, and that is what I am good at. And that's exactly what I am NOT supposed to do. :naughty: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Of course I just got a dog too, in large part so that I would have a running companion because I don't like to go by myself, especially on trails. It would be right after I get her that my knee randomly ****s up and I can't even fulfill the intended purpose of getting a dog who loves running. :wall:
Now I have to find time in my schedule for bloody physical therapy too. Like life isn't usually enough on my shoulders without that. I have no idea when I'm going to find the time to do exercises, either. They always say oh, it only takes a few minutes, and in reality "few" means "thirty."
I am so tired of this. If it's not my mind, it's my body. If it's not my body, it's my mind. Can I just catch a ****ing break?!?!? *frustrated tears*
Jagged Angel
Gold Member
Have just discovered this venting room. So here goes...
I'm sick and f***ing tired of being sick and f***ing tired!
I'm sick of being angry, hurt, depressed, triggered, untouchable, dirty, sad, exhausted, scattered, revolting, shattered, scared, awake...awake...AWAKE!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :mad:
I'm sick and f***ing tired of being sick and f***ing tired!
I'm sick of being angry, hurt, depressed, triggered, untouchable, dirty, sad, exhausted, scattered, revolting, shattered, scared, awake...awake...AWAKE!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :mad:
I woke up this morning with seeing how I have been led me here,thus I’m seeing the person who was very much abused and neglected in her family of origin. I see me growing and making progress.
This morning I went to this church I have gone to for some time even though I’m not a member, etc. and still no one knows my name. I was looking around from where I was sitting and a guy sitting across me smiled at me. I smiled back and that was that. He was sitting beside his wife and I know who he is.
When we got up to greet one another, since he was directly across me, he got up to shake my hand and told me that his sister, brother-in-law, were sitting on the other side and they were giving both of us a hard time…I had no idea what he was talking about. So throughout the sermon, I looked straight ahead, and was wondering to myself what was going on.
The kid that mows my yard came up to me to talk to me afterwards. I was standing there talking to him and his sister, came down my pew, and stood there. I said, hi, and she responded by saying, Can I get through here, if you don’t mind?
How she said it, reminded me of a former boss and how it would take me a while, to get me back. So, I went to the store to get a newspaper so in talking with someone else, I would get grounded again.
Today, I felt different at this church, when they were talking about how loving our parents were, it being Father’s Day, etc., I guess I was questioning did I belong there?
Wow, I haven’t felt like this in a long time…but this time it is different, I now have choices...
This morning I went to this church I have gone to for some time even though I’m not a member, etc. and still no one knows my name. I was looking around from where I was sitting and a guy sitting across me smiled at me. I smiled back and that was that. He was sitting beside his wife and I know who he is.
When we got up to greet one another, since he was directly across me, he got up to shake my hand and told me that his sister, brother-in-law, were sitting on the other side and they were giving both of us a hard time…I had no idea what he was talking about. So throughout the sermon, I looked straight ahead, and was wondering to myself what was going on.
The kid that mows my yard came up to me to talk to me afterwards. I was standing there talking to him and his sister, came down my pew, and stood there. I said, hi, and she responded by saying, Can I get through here, if you don’t mind?
How she said it, reminded me of a former boss and how it would take me a while, to get me back. So, I went to the store to get a newspaper so in talking with someone else, I would get grounded again.
Today, I felt different at this church, when they were talking about how loving our parents were, it being Father’s Day, etc., I guess I was questioning did I belong there?
Wow, I haven’t felt like this in a long time…but this time it is different, I now have choices...
I totally don't deserve to be taking up space in this thread... however, I'm waiting for my medication to kick in so that I can relax and go to sleep, cuz I spent the past half hour hyperventilating and the hour before that crying...
All because an instructor invited me to dinner with her on Tuesday, and I don't know what to say. She's a very motherly figure, someone I'm close to and respect and feel safe around and look up to. She's going to be in my area, and I won't likely get to see her much this summer, and I really want to spend time with her and talk to her about things. But I'm so scared, I don't know what to say. I want to say yes, but I tried to reply to tell her yes and I couldn't. There's so many reasons why, like:
1. The food. The calories. The damn eating disorder I have. She knows about it, and has almost always been very supportive of my struggles with it. She doesn't push me too hard, she'll try to encourage me to get more than a soup or salad but doesn't force it on me. She will encourage me to pick the restaurant we go to if we eat out, but if I get too overwhelmed she will make the decision, or at least narrow it down. But somehow in my head, is this dumb rule, where I HAVE to run at least 13.1 miles tomorrow (in addition to my walk and my swim) to even be able to tell her yes, and then I'll have to run at least that much on Tuesday too- and that will only earn me being able to have some salad (without dressing) OR a small cup of soup maybe... and yes, it's totally irrational, insane even... and very extreme. I see now why my doctor changed the diagnosis to include "severe"... I emailed the director of a residential program I should be in hopefully by the end of the month- if I go, it'll be great... they will address both the eating disorder and the PTSD, and they offer all kinds of therapy in addition to traditional talk therapy, and really individualize the program. They didn't even get upset when I asked about fireworks on the 4th and told them how triggering that was for me... I'm hoping the director will reassure me that I can still come to the program if I go out and eat with this instructor- somehow my head has convinced me if I eat even a single bite of anything before I enter the program, I don't belong there and will get kicked out.
2. The other people around and eating in public... worrying that I'll have a panic attack and not be able to escape, or that other people will think I'm crazy. And the constant feeling that EVERYONE is watching me and how I eat and what I eat and criticizing me, or even if we're not eating and walking around somewhere, they'll all be judging what I look like, what I'm wearing, what I say, how I act, etc...
3. I can't understand why this instructor likes to spend time with me. I've been friends with her for a couple years now. I've only ever taken one of her courses a while back, but have guest-lectured for her a couple times each quarter, and her office at school was like a second home, since she has the most comfortable couch in her office that I'd always take naps on in between classes- if I had an exam in a class and wanted to take a nap before, I'd just let a few of the instructors know to wake me up by a certain time, they'd all know where I was at lol... she's always invited me over to her house for the holidays, since she knows I'm all on my own without family, and she's always been super kind to me. Most of my friends forgot my birthday this year, but this instructor didn't, and made it really special for me. She will invite me to go get lunch or dinner with her and always insists on paying, she's always been supportive when I need someone to talk to, she's taken me shopping and out to the movies even... It scares me that she's so nice. She has sons around the same age as me, and has always wanted a daughter, because her sons won't spend time with her to go out to eat or see a movie, etc and I think that's part of why she likes to be around me, because I rarely say no to her... even when it's put me in stressful situations, like going out to eat in public. I've even gone and gotten ICECREAM with her before, which is the single worst situation I could ever think of doing, but endured it because she wanted to and because I was able to trust her enough to know she's protective enough of me that she wouldn't let anything happen to me (and if that weren't enough, I know that her bosses, like the department chair and Dean, are even more protective of me and will go after anyone who tries to hurt me or put me in a dangerous situation themselves- I saw proof of that when my dad showed up to campus and I found out from other people in the department that the department chair had to be restrained from sucker punching my dad, she was pissed he had the nerve to show up on campus)... and I do like spending time with this person, I just don't understand why she likes to spend time with me, and I'm afraid of getting hurt. And I'm afraid I'm really just a burden on her and everyone around me.
*deep breath* meds are finally kicking in, thank god... sorry for rambling so much about such stupid stuff... I just needed to get it out and do something til my medication began to work.
All because an instructor invited me to dinner with her on Tuesday, and I don't know what to say. She's a very motherly figure, someone I'm close to and respect and feel safe around and look up to. She's going to be in my area, and I won't likely get to see her much this summer, and I really want to spend time with her and talk to her about things. But I'm so scared, I don't know what to say. I want to say yes, but I tried to reply to tell her yes and I couldn't. There's so many reasons why, like:
1. The food. The calories. The damn eating disorder I have. She knows about it, and has almost always been very supportive of my struggles with it. She doesn't push me too hard, she'll try to encourage me to get more than a soup or salad but doesn't force it on me. She will encourage me to pick the restaurant we go to if we eat out, but if I get too overwhelmed she will make the decision, or at least narrow it down. But somehow in my head, is this dumb rule, where I HAVE to run at least 13.1 miles tomorrow (in addition to my walk and my swim) to even be able to tell her yes, and then I'll have to run at least that much on Tuesday too- and that will only earn me being able to have some salad (without dressing) OR a small cup of soup maybe... and yes, it's totally irrational, insane even... and very extreme. I see now why my doctor changed the diagnosis to include "severe"... I emailed the director of a residential program I should be in hopefully by the end of the month- if I go, it'll be great... they will address both the eating disorder and the PTSD, and they offer all kinds of therapy in addition to traditional talk therapy, and really individualize the program. They didn't even get upset when I asked about fireworks on the 4th and told them how triggering that was for me... I'm hoping the director will reassure me that I can still come to the program if I go out and eat with this instructor- somehow my head has convinced me if I eat even a single bite of anything before I enter the program, I don't belong there and will get kicked out.
2. The other people around and eating in public... worrying that I'll have a panic attack and not be able to escape, or that other people will think I'm crazy. And the constant feeling that EVERYONE is watching me and how I eat and what I eat and criticizing me, or even if we're not eating and walking around somewhere, they'll all be judging what I look like, what I'm wearing, what I say, how I act, etc...
3. I can't understand why this instructor likes to spend time with me. I've been friends with her for a couple years now. I've only ever taken one of her courses a while back, but have guest-lectured for her a couple times each quarter, and her office at school was like a second home, since she has the most comfortable couch in her office that I'd always take naps on in between classes- if I had an exam in a class and wanted to take a nap before, I'd just let a few of the instructors know to wake me up by a certain time, they'd all know where I was at lol... she's always invited me over to her house for the holidays, since she knows I'm all on my own without family, and she's always been super kind to me. Most of my friends forgot my birthday this year, but this instructor didn't, and made it really special for me. She will invite me to go get lunch or dinner with her and always insists on paying, she's always been supportive when I need someone to talk to, she's taken me shopping and out to the movies even... It scares me that she's so nice. She has sons around the same age as me, and has always wanted a daughter, because her sons won't spend time with her to go out to eat or see a movie, etc and I think that's part of why she likes to be around me, because I rarely say no to her... even when it's put me in stressful situations, like going out to eat in public. I've even gone and gotten ICECREAM with her before, which is the single worst situation I could ever think of doing, but endured it because she wanted to and because I was able to trust her enough to know she's protective enough of me that she wouldn't let anything happen to me (and if that weren't enough, I know that her bosses, like the department chair and Dean, are even more protective of me and will go after anyone who tries to hurt me or put me in a dangerous situation themselves- I saw proof of that when my dad showed up to campus and I found out from other people in the department that the department chair had to be restrained from sucker punching my dad, she was pissed he had the nerve to show up on campus)... and I do like spending time with this person, I just don't understand why she likes to spend time with me, and I'm afraid of getting hurt. And I'm afraid I'm really just a burden on her and everyone around me.
*deep breath* meds are finally kicking in, thank god... sorry for rambling so much about such stupid stuff... I just needed to get it out and do something til my medication began to work.
So I didn't think I'd be able to fall asleep and then decided not to let myself, since I was gonna be up at 5am at the latest and it's already 2:30am, figured I'd do better if I staid up, finished what needed to be done, and then came home and slept for a bit.
I'm so frustrated with myself though. I've been so sleep deprived and stressed this past week, that I shut my eyes tonight and went almost immediately into REM sleep (which I'll do when I'm REALLY stressed and deprived of sleep). Instantly had a nightmare about my family, that's got me physically shaking and crying and just freaking out in general. And now I'm too worked up to think about going back to sleep even though I want to turn on my electric blanket and just cuddle with my stuffed animal for comfort and hope and pray I get some sleep without the nightmares.
I hate that I'm an adult and still have nightmares. I hate that they get me so upset. I hate myself for not being able to control them, especially when one of my old therapists used to tell me all the time that dreams can be controlled... why the hell do I feel like I can't control mine then? Maybe I'm just not good enough... or maybe I'm meant to suffer with the nightmares... or maybe it's just not that bad, and I need to grow up and learn to realize it's an f'ing dream that can't hurt me and isn't real and it's completely irrational for me to be this insanely emotional over it. GRRR!!!!!
I'm so frustrated with myself though. I've been so sleep deprived and stressed this past week, that I shut my eyes tonight and went almost immediately into REM sleep (which I'll do when I'm REALLY stressed and deprived of sleep). Instantly had a nightmare about my family, that's got me physically shaking and crying and just freaking out in general. And now I'm too worked up to think about going back to sleep even though I want to turn on my electric blanket and just cuddle with my stuffed animal for comfort and hope and pray I get some sleep without the nightmares.
I hate that I'm an adult and still have nightmares. I hate that they get me so upset. I hate myself for not being able to control them, especially when one of my old therapists used to tell me all the time that dreams can be controlled... why the hell do I feel like I can't control mine then? Maybe I'm just not good enough... or maybe I'm meant to suffer with the nightmares... or maybe it's just not that bad, and I need to grow up and learn to realize it's an f'ing dream that can't hurt me and isn't real and it's completely irrational for me to be this insanely emotional over it. GRRR!!!!!
I never would have thought when I went to that church yesterday, that I would come home feeling the way I did, but I did.
So, this morning in my daily walk around the lake, I began to get my peace back. I realized that it was about this guy's Sister...I just so happened to smile at him and she must have saw me even though she was on the other side sitting. If his sister had not seen me, or if when he looked at me and I had not looked in his direction, none of this would have happened, but it did.
What I realized it was about Power, his sister came down my pew, not the one in front or behind me, so in hearing her words, they had a piercing affect to me. What I felt reminded me of a former boss, who had total Power over me, and she knew it. I would not quit as I needed that paycheck. God and I finally had a talk and on my birthday, my boss received my notice. Best birthday ever for me!
Also, since this was about this guy's sister...I started thinking about how much Power my Sister has had over me...
So, this morning in my daily walk around the lake, I began to get my peace back. I realized that it was about this guy's Sister...I just so happened to smile at him and she must have saw me even though she was on the other side sitting. If his sister had not seen me, or if when he looked at me and I had not looked in his direction, none of this would have happened, but it did.
What I realized it was about Power, his sister came down my pew, not the one in front or behind me, so in hearing her words, they had a piercing affect to me. What I felt reminded me of a former boss, who had total Power over me, and she knew it. I would not quit as I needed that paycheck. God and I finally had a talk and on my birthday, my boss received my notice. Best birthday ever for me!
Also, since this was about this guy's sister...I started thinking about how much Power my Sister has had over me...
FAIL.
Was supposed to meet up with someone new today. I met him online, he lives in the area and goes to one of the local colleges, and belongs to one of the same online groups that I do. I've met a lot of people through this group, and they've all been super cool. But anytime I meet anyone from the internet, I get REALLY nervous. I get nervous enough meeting people just out and about (I mean, just cuz they're not behind a computer doesn't automatically mean they're not crazy, right?)... I'm always safe about it- talk to them for a long time before we actually meet up, always meet in a well-populated public place in the middle of the day, always let several people know where I'm going to be, etc. A lot of the time, I'll even organize a small group of my friends to do something fun, and then invite the person I'm meeting for the first time (or the first few times) to come to that event. I'll keep it small, cuz I don't want them to feel overwhelmed meeting all of my friends, but if I have even just a couple of my friends with me, that makes me feel safer (especially cuz I usually bring my guy friends that are like big brothers to me and would beat the hell out of anyone who tried to hurt me).
I just couldn't force myself to go meet this guy today though. I feel horrible about it. We were gonna meet in public, it seemed to feel safe... He seems really nice and caring from all the conversations I've had with him. I can't think of anything that would have thrown up a red flag to make me nervous, I've just been more nervous in general lately. So I ended up texting him, pretending to be my roommate, under the pretense that I left my phone at home and got stung by a bee and was being driven to the hospital by my roommate's husband.
So not only did I not meet up with him, I lied to him. I HATE to lie. I'm hating myself right now.
But, the number he gave me as his cell turns out to be a landline, even though he told me it was his cell... so who knows, maybe it is a good thing I didn't meet with him. I wanted to, but no amount of xanax was helping with the anxiety. And I just really would have rather waited to meet up when I could have a friend at least inconspicuously hanging out nearby, or arrange something with this group we both belong to (it's a meetup group for the local college students that are around this summer, since our town sorta turns into a ghost town during the summers lol) so that it's a large group of new people, I do okay with large groups of new people, even 2-3 new people at the same time, for some reason one on one with someone new, I don't do too well. Even after I've met them a few times, it can take a while before I begin to trust (because anyone can act like a normal, harmless person for the first few times you meet them).
I think this is where my frustration and anxiety with meeting new people comes in. I've met so many people in the neighborhood just when I'm at the store or on walks or whatever... and I'll start talking with just about anyone who wants to start up a conversation, and most the time they'll give me their email or phone number for me to contact them (I almost never give mine, and if it feels weird, like if they expect mine, I lie and say I'm switching over to a new phone plan within the next couple days and don't know what my number is yet but tell them I'll contact them)... but I have such a hard time meeting people and actually maintaining relationships because I'm afraid to trust people, I really don't know who I can trust, I don't know how to tell if someone is safe to be friends with or not... I mean even guys I've met in my classes at school have tried to hurt me, and while that's been a very small minority, it's still happened. I feel like I constantly have to be on guard the entire time or else risk getting hurt really bad.
Was supposed to meet up with someone new today. I met him online, he lives in the area and goes to one of the local colleges, and belongs to one of the same online groups that I do. I've met a lot of people through this group, and they've all been super cool. But anytime I meet anyone from the internet, I get REALLY nervous. I get nervous enough meeting people just out and about (I mean, just cuz they're not behind a computer doesn't automatically mean they're not crazy, right?)... I'm always safe about it- talk to them for a long time before we actually meet up, always meet in a well-populated public place in the middle of the day, always let several people know where I'm going to be, etc. A lot of the time, I'll even organize a small group of my friends to do something fun, and then invite the person I'm meeting for the first time (or the first few times) to come to that event. I'll keep it small, cuz I don't want them to feel overwhelmed meeting all of my friends, but if I have even just a couple of my friends with me, that makes me feel safer (especially cuz I usually bring my guy friends that are like big brothers to me and would beat the hell out of anyone who tried to hurt me).
I just couldn't force myself to go meet this guy today though. I feel horrible about it. We were gonna meet in public, it seemed to feel safe... He seems really nice and caring from all the conversations I've had with him. I can't think of anything that would have thrown up a red flag to make me nervous, I've just been more nervous in general lately. So I ended up texting him, pretending to be my roommate, under the pretense that I left my phone at home and got stung by a bee and was being driven to the hospital by my roommate's husband.
So not only did I not meet up with him, I lied to him. I HATE to lie. I'm hating myself right now.
But, the number he gave me as his cell turns out to be a landline, even though he told me it was his cell... so who knows, maybe it is a good thing I didn't meet with him. I wanted to, but no amount of xanax was helping with the anxiety. And I just really would have rather waited to meet up when I could have a friend at least inconspicuously hanging out nearby, or arrange something with this group we both belong to (it's a meetup group for the local college students that are around this summer, since our town sorta turns into a ghost town during the summers lol) so that it's a large group of new people, I do okay with large groups of new people, even 2-3 new people at the same time, for some reason one on one with someone new, I don't do too well. Even after I've met them a few times, it can take a while before I begin to trust (because anyone can act like a normal, harmless person for the first few times you meet them).
I think this is where my frustration and anxiety with meeting new people comes in. I've met so many people in the neighborhood just when I'm at the store or on walks or whatever... and I'll start talking with just about anyone who wants to start up a conversation, and most the time they'll give me their email or phone number for me to contact them (I almost never give mine, and if it feels weird, like if they expect mine, I lie and say I'm switching over to a new phone plan within the next couple days and don't know what my number is yet but tell them I'll contact them)... but I have such a hard time meeting people and actually maintaining relationships because I'm afraid to trust people, I really don't know who I can trust, I don't know how to tell if someone is safe to be friends with or not... I mean even guys I've met in my classes at school have tried to hurt me, and while that's been a very small minority, it's still happened. I feel like I constantly have to be on guard the entire time or else risk getting hurt really bad.
Mina
Diamond Member
Seriously. I do NOT need you telling me that you think I should go to work today. I already KNOW what you think. And I do not operate on YOUR standards, nor do I wish to meet them. You are the one who goes to work even when you're sick or overtired and really shouldn't be there, although you have 8 weeks of PTO in your bank. I was at friggin Urgent Care yesterday getting an epi-shot for an allergic reaction to aspirin after 2 Benadryl didn't take care of it. I went back to work afterwards. Do you really think I feel okay today?!? Especially after getting a headache that took nothing short of a Percocet to kill it...not like I had the option of taking anything else, since the last 3 months have shown me to be suddenly allergic to NSAIDs? Do you understand that I only caught a few turbulent hours' sleep and that my lips and eye sockets are still swollen? And that my stomach is so upset that I don't dare eat anything, and even almost threw up the half-cup of white rice I choked down last night? And that I am on the verge of bursting into tears, and have been holding myself back all morning?
Then why the **** am I at work, being totally useless? Because I didn't feel like dealing with your judgmental crap. It's easier to be here than to be around you and your disapproval. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE. You're not the one with fluid on your knee. You're not the one who can't take anything for pain and who f'in suffered through last Thurs and Fri at work with horrible cramps. You're not the one who drove herself to Urgent Care and got an epi-shot. You don't have PTSD on top of all this, and haven't been dealing with triggers, so DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD DO. Shut up.
Then why the **** am I at work, being totally useless? Because I didn't feel like dealing with your judgmental crap. It's easier to be here than to be around you and your disapproval. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE. You're not the one with fluid on your knee. You're not the one who can't take anything for pain and who f'in suffered through last Thurs and Fri at work with horrible cramps. You're not the one who drove herself to Urgent Care and got an epi-shot. You don't have PTSD on top of all this, and haven't been dealing with triggers, so DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD DO. Shut up.
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