FindingMyself88
Platinum Member
Yesterday and today have been very emotional days. I actually cried a little in therapy for the first time and then after my doctor's appointment today I broke down in the car. I hate ptsd. I hate everything that has been done to me. I hate feeling so alone during all of this, like Bristol is my only friend. I hate feeling like things will never get better.I hate having to give in and be weak. I feel like all I am doing is dog paddling through the waters of ptsd, just trying to keep my head above water. Forget swimming or getting out of the water.
My therapist wants me to make 2 lists. One list is my options on what I can do right now that will better my tomorrow. The other list is to come up with as many self soothing skills as possible. I told her about feeling like all I am doing is surviving and she said essentially I am right now. I told her I feel like a failure and feel so far behind everyone my age. She was very encouraging, but I was very weepy. She kept me over until she felt it was safe for me to leave. We come up with a few activities for me to do more of this week. She wants me to read more of what I like to read, paint and draw, play computer games, etc. I fee like it is just a waste of time, but she insists that it isn't. That right now I need to just focus on self soothing. That's hard for me, very hard. She also thinks I need to only take 1-2 classes at the community college if I can get everything ready.
We also talked about setting a boundary with my mom if she starts her moods and suicide hints again. She told me to tell my mom ONCE that if she hints at suicide one more time that I am calling 911. She said I would have to follow through. Either it would make my mom quit trying to use that to guilt me, or it would get her the help she needs.
Then today I met with my doctor for the last time until I can get back into university. She works at a free clinic, but it's in a different county so I can't go there :(. I was very emotional. This is the doctor that has been through my side ever since before the head injury. She has been a therapist in many ways. She first suspected ptsd. She wrote me enough prescriptions for my meds to get me through at least 6 months. She was so patient with me and Bristol. Bristol could sense I was upset and I couldn't focus to give her the proper commands so she was whinny and pacing. At the end she gave me a hug and told me to keep in touch until I could come back. She said the same as my therapist, that I either need to just not go to school this semester or only take 1-2 classes. She gave me a reference for a free mental health clinic so I can at least see them. I broke down when I left her office. I did not realize how much she meant to me until she hugged me. She has helped me through so much.
So essentially if I do go to the community college, I am only going to take a sociology class and a drawing class, two easy enjoyable classes. Otherwise, the next few months is going to be about nothing but surviving my ptsd. I never wanted it to come to this. Why is it all too much now? I did fine for so many years through high school and until I moved for college. Why now? I really hate this :'(. @Solara I want to apologize for snapping at you in my last post. I know you mean well, but you were saying the one thing I didn't want to hear. I never wanted to give in to it..
My therapist wants me to make 2 lists. One list is my options on what I can do right now that will better my tomorrow. The other list is to come up with as many self soothing skills as possible. I told her about feeling like all I am doing is surviving and she said essentially I am right now. I told her I feel like a failure and feel so far behind everyone my age. She was very encouraging, but I was very weepy. She kept me over until she felt it was safe for me to leave. We come up with a few activities for me to do more of this week. She wants me to read more of what I like to read, paint and draw, play computer games, etc. I fee like it is just a waste of time, but she insists that it isn't. That right now I need to just focus on self soothing. That's hard for me, very hard. She also thinks I need to only take 1-2 classes at the community college if I can get everything ready.
We also talked about setting a boundary with my mom if she starts her moods and suicide hints again. She told me to tell my mom ONCE that if she hints at suicide one more time that I am calling 911. She said I would have to follow through. Either it would make my mom quit trying to use that to guilt me, or it would get her the help she needs.
Then today I met with my doctor for the last time until I can get back into university. She works at a free clinic, but it's in a different county so I can't go there :(. I was very emotional. This is the doctor that has been through my side ever since before the head injury. She has been a therapist in many ways. She first suspected ptsd. She wrote me enough prescriptions for my meds to get me through at least 6 months. She was so patient with me and Bristol. Bristol could sense I was upset and I couldn't focus to give her the proper commands so she was whinny and pacing. At the end she gave me a hug and told me to keep in touch until I could come back. She said the same as my therapist, that I either need to just not go to school this semester or only take 1-2 classes. She gave me a reference for a free mental health clinic so I can at least see them. I broke down when I left her office. I did not realize how much she meant to me until she hugged me. She has helped me through so much.
So essentially if I do go to the community college, I am only going to take a sociology class and a drawing class, two easy enjoyable classes. Otherwise, the next few months is going to be about nothing but surviving my ptsd. I never wanted it to come to this. Why is it all too much now? I did fine for so many years through high school and until I moved for college. Why now? I really hate this :'(. @Solara I want to apologize for snapping at you in my last post. I know you mean well, but you were saying the one thing I didn't want to hear. I never wanted to give in to it..
