Vigilance Is A Guard On The Wall Of Traumatic Memory

[OKRADLAK]

It can get so bad- eyes popping out, gripping a cup so hard it breaks in your hand, yelling at someone who asks a simple question.

It's just that so much of it is unseen, that by the time it hits someone, you have been tortured for hours. Head in a vice.

For me, it is not preparation to "break out". It's being trapped in a box with no air and no light -----simple as automatic bodily function like hitting my finger and watching it get red and hurt.

 

[BloomInWinter]

UGH! Having some mem breakthroughs after over a WEEK of daily hyperv and my lips are cracking from the shallow breaths....

Sheesh.

SICK of it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My hypervigilance is burning me up again.

Finally have some crashing down of the memory wall and where there was nothing, there's some painful memories there.

But the physical symptoms leave me so exhausted. Dry mouth, bad breath, aching teeth, shaking, polyuria (MUCH urination)' polydipsia (MUCH thirst)...but can't eat, can't taste food. ...I'm not diabetic, either, just for clarity. Much vaginal fluid overload, much sweating...shallow breaths, bounding heart beats.

Sounds are magnified. Lights too bright. ...and it is SO hard to not take out my discomfort on others. I can verbalize now when I need space, and my kids, hubby are learning to honor that so I don't lose control and yell. But, I do try so hard to give them their needs too when I can. Balance and communication are getting easier.

This is what hypervigilance is in me. ...and it can, and has, gone on for weeks at a time.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Wow...back again. My tongue gets dry and painful from the shallow breathing.

WTF got me THIS TIME?

 

[Nighthawk]

I hate when that happens when I don't even know what stired the pot. If only we could find the answer and beat it to a pulp and put it were it belongs.

NH

 

[BloomInWinter]

WTF got me this time? Getting dumped by so-called 'friends'? Sheesh....My tongue feels like it's cracking from the days long dry mouth!

 

[BloomInWinter]

Am just as wrecked with it right now as I was when I first posted it.

UGH.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Vigilance has let down...and sooooo many memories have just come crashing through the breach. Am really different, now.

At least, my friends are remarking...'You're really different'....

Feels so much better not being on alert and it letting down. Scares me about the next time...

 

[Tinyflame]

But you're getting 'practise' in, Bloom.
((((Bloom))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

My hypervigilance is burning me up again...leave me so exhausted. Dry mouth, bad breath, aching teeth, shaking, polyuria (MUCH urination)' polydipsia (MUCH thirst)...but can't eat, can't taste food...Much vaginal fluid overload, much sweating...shallow breaths, bounding heart beats...Sounds are magnified. Lights too bright. ...and it is SO hard to not take out my discomfort on others. I can verbalize now when I need space, and my kids, hubby are learning to honor that so I don't lose control and yell....what hypervigilance is in me. ...and it can, and has, gone on for weeks at a time.

I could have written this ever day this week, except...that it does let down sooner. Not quite as intense....and I let the vigilance get me through whatever it has decided I need help getting through...then, it slams into me when I'm finally home and safe.

I'm trying to make friends with it instead of hating myself for still going into this.

*sigh.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Wow...finally. FINALLY, this latest episode seems to have let down.

Had to, of course, go through flooding of retrieved memories and all the messy crying, shaking, icky stuff first.

But...it pushed me through and I've chased down several triggers that have been really negatively affecting my family and our day to day lives. WHEW!!!

Vigilance...not the kinda person you wanna invite over to dinner, but tolerate because brings the safety dessert along....

 

[CraftyCath]

I'm only hypervigilant after I've been triggered. I don't always know what has triggered me as I still have holes in my memories. I stay vigilant for anywhere from a few days to weeks and it exhausts me. I go around expecting trouble at every turn and I get intrusive thoughts that I can't unscramble. I get very confused. I hate loud noises and can't stand being around people. I get nightmares regularly but they become worse and more disturbing when I'm triggered and hypervigilant. Night sweats, loss of appetite, nausea, exhaustion and insomnia - you know how it goes.

What I do do though is give myself time. (Doesn't work if I have to go to work or some other commitment). I do something I like and let myself chill. (Got a full house at the moment so not getting any piece - being pestered to death with other peoples needs). I have had PTSD most of my life but was only diagnosed 7 years ago. I am only just beginning to understand some of the terminology and, having had no therapy, I don't know any techniques except what seems to have come naturally.

I want to thank everyone who has posted in this thread, it has really helped me to understand.
Thanks BloominWinter for sharing.