Vigilance Is A Guard On The Wall Of Traumatic Memory

[CraftyCath]

((((Bloom))))

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((Bloom, xox))))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

Here I am, two days later from an appointment with my t. (therapist) and I'm still so hypervigilent I can't get my breath. I'm meditated, cleaned, played games, scrapbooked....and it's still at 'ready to roll' status.

My lips are cracked from the rapid breathing.

Am hoping it lets down soon...

 

[CraftyCath]

Feeling for you Bloom ((((Massive Hug)))).

 

[BloomInWinter]

This is getting better but its still a long way to being just in infrequent visitor. Hypervigilence seems to be a part of my everyday life still, especially by the end od the work day.

The skills seem to head it off or delay it from going full blown alert status until I hit a tripwire to the past.

I wish it was possible to truly wipe my brain clean. It would be worth it to me.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Wow. I CAN now 'take it down' a notch by telling myself I am safe, or taking care of what I feel is unsafe.

Huh.

"Because most disturbed relatedness appears to arise from reactions to maltreatment in early relationships, and these maltreatment effects are often triggered by later interpersonal stimuli, it is not surprising that the most effective interventions for relational problems appear to occur within a therapeutic relationship. As is discussed below in the abuse-related intrusive symptoms section, the self-trauma model views the therapeutic relationship as directly and specifically curative, as opposed to being the nonspecific placebo effect or inert ingredient suggested by some cognitive-behavioral theorists. Among other things, the therapeutic relationship is a powerful source of interpersonal triggers -- the give-and-take between client and clinician will almost always include phenomena that trigger abuse-related relational schemata (e.g., moments of decreased therapist empathy or attunement, or client perceptions or expectations of therapist abandonment or dangerousness) and affects (e.g., feelings of rage or despondency associated with these perceptions or expectations), as well as activating more complex attachment- level relational phenomena (e.g., preoccupied or ambivalent responses to the positive components of the therapeutic relationship). The therapeutic relationship, however, also is a powerful source of disparity and resolution – once triggered and activated by relational stimuli, cognitive-emotional responses can be examined and processed in the context of safety, soothing, and support, potentially leading to clinical improvement, including reduced abuse- specific difficulties in current and future relationships..." Source: Link Removed

Am wondering just what are other cognitive distortions driving up my hypervigilance? I'm going to try challenging myself to identify them.

 

[CraftyCath]

I dissociated on my T at least 5 times during one session Bloom. He recognised it every time and brought me back. I have no idea why I did it or how but it was scary to realise time had gone by and but to me it was the exact second I went away. He believes it happens when I feel vulnerable about something and I disappear in order to protect myself. I also dissociate when I am under too much stress and my brain has no more room for anything else. Instead of it going 'over my head' I go away from it.

I don't feel as hypervigilant as I used to but I think it is because I feel safe with him. I do know that I am still 'waiting' for something bad to happen, constantly 'on guard.' I think it is because it was when I let my guard down in the past that I have been hurt, when I have felt relaxed and confidant. So now I try to protect my raw emotions by putting up defenses. I know now that I do it around people but not when I am on my own.

I get so scared that someone will trigger me again and I will fall back to square one again. I asked my T about it and he said if that happens we will deal with it together and get through it.

I also feel scared that the progress I have made will be taken from me as soon as I step back out into the world. But I'll never know how much I have changed unless I push through the fear.

((((Bloom))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

I get so out of touch with where I am emotionally in the T. room...my last appointment was shocking to me because my T. told me I was really anxious and that I needed to take care of myself.

I thought I was doing ok but then got out of that room and almost fainted. My legs wouldn't work.

Eeek. Dissociating, again, too. :<

I realize my fear of the triggering isn't helping me. My T. is SUPPOSED to be doing that. I don't know why I didn't 'get that' but that as it happens, and I remain safe and he doesn't react the way my abusers did, eventually the power of that trigger will be extinguished.

So...I don't know. Do I do self-talk? "Ok, he's going to push me and this is ok and a necessary part of healing even if it is unpleasant, scary, etc. I can survive it."

I suspect that I'll always enter the therapy room in a state of vigilance, waiting to see what shadows I have to battle with that day...

 

[BloomInWinter]

It's just not letting down this time. My PTSD cup is filled to just below the brim and has been for almost two weeks now since my last appointment.

It lets down a tiny bit in my sleep but the least little thing and...wham! Back to full guard duty!

Ugh.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My cycling of the triggering though the vigilance then fbs then finally letdown into memory recovery seems to be speeding up. That, and there seems to be a lot less dissociation episodes between 'red alert' status.

I hope this means I'm stabilizing and can work towards processing.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm trying to accept that when my system steps me up 'On Guard'...there will be a time when I can step down again, and there will be a memory behind the flood that brings me some tiny bit of wisdom to start filling the abyss inside.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are amazing. You figured it all out feeling the way you do. Please know that you are not alone. It will get better it just takes as long as it takes.

You did'nt get this way overnight. I'm sad that you are feeling so bad right now. It will pass. You will feel better. Thanks for mentioning the hypervigilance. I have that too. It helps me to visualize and imagine a better outcome when the anxiety hits. By the time you read this, I hope you will be feeling better.