Want to avoid therapy

[Kopykat]

i had my first real intense flashback this week, that took 3 days to get out of. I still feel off and mainly tired. I am supposed to have therapy tomorrow and I find myself wanting to avoid it completely. I've had this therapist for 5 years. I let her know what happened via email Monday and I've heard nothing and on a way I feel abandoned. And I also have a voice telling me she's not safe and neither is therapy. This is overwhelming and I don't feel as intense of an urge but I still want to run away. I am thankful, out of all of this, that I found this forum, at least there is that.

 

[Joan]

You are not alone in that feeling....I will speak for me only and not others, but think it is common. I struggle with feeling let down, abandoned, unsupported....I have learned and continue to learn though that what I think, or what I assume others know do not necessarily come across...I am great at alluding to things and not communicating the response I need or even the real distress I am in. Just my thoughts....journal on what you are feeling, what you wanted from T...that will help in going in and advocating for yourself. I think if you do not go...it will keep rolling around in your head....going you at least have the opportunity to say what you feel and need.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Avoidance is my specialty!!!! Ok so you could just not go and avoid all that discomfort. Totally understand that and I've done that and it's amazing. You could also go and act like nothing is wrong and hide your anger and disappointment. Done it and felt like crap. Made me angry at myself! You could go in and express that you're hurt by how your t failed to respond. That you're going through a tough time and be honest about what you need. That maybe you want to take it slower and go lightly for awhile to give those hard feelings a break. You can let her explain and apologize or maybe her response will suck and you can tell her that as well. I've done this route as well and it's my least favorite. That open, vulnerable honesty crap. Avoidance is totally my preference. But I will say the the vulnerable route feels most like freedom. Whatever you decide to do, it's ok. Because it's where you're at. You won't make a mistake because life is just filled with decisions and learning. So there aren't mistakes. You can choose something that will hurt initially and feel better longer or be easy and hurt less and feel like crap longer. We all want to do what's best for us and sometimes we choose immediate gratification over delayed. I don't know if this will help at all. I guess what I'm saying is ambivalence is normal. So you not being sure what to do is right where you're supposed to be. You could also go and not say anything. The silent treatment. I've done that, too. It was kinda awesome in a super childish way. And later I had to talk about it so that part sucked. Or you can read something. I really like that. Vulnerability without eye contact.

 

[Muted]

I think it's normal to go through feeling that way. Sometimes I want to avoid dealing with things too. I think it makes it harder the longer it goes between meeting with your t, because it's like the wound is open and more likely to have things get triggered during that time and you work to contain it and then you have to tear off the scab again.

 

[LoveTea]

Right there with you in wanting to avoid therapy, especially when it has been a crappy week. I already have strong urges to avoid therapy, but I also know that for myself, not going only makes avoiding easier the next time. Every once in a while I have to have a friend take me, they don't always come in, but just sit with me in the waiting room until I follow through. I almost always feel unsafe or go into worse case scenerio at some point before or during the appointment. Probably because it can be such a vulnerable place. A lot of times, I will write about or say out loud what I want to say before hand. For me, it just makes it easier to talk about if I've already formed it in my head. Worse comes to worse I can read what I wrote or have my T read it if I get too caught up. I don't like to do it, but in a weird way it's nice to know I have a back up. Good for you for reaching out, it sucks that ur T didn't repond, I totally get what you mean though, I feel abandonded when people don't respond especially when I need them. The advice side of my brain says try to talk to her about it, but I also know for me, that would be nearly impossible to do. I am glad you reached out to us, I hope it helps!

 

[Muted]

I think it will get easier. I only want to skip sessions when a part of me is wanting to shut my t out or if I just need a break from therapy. Even when a part of me wants to skip, I don't because I want to work through my issues.

I haven't needed a friend with me in the waiting room, because I just feel safe in general there. I feel uncomfortable if it's crowded, but it's only for a short time. I understand feeling abandoned, I used to feel that way a lot. Working through that helped me develop my own strength and it hasn't been easy, but I realize she needs her own time to rest otherwise it would be extremely difficult to be as great as she is at her job. That was difficult for me to understand when my life was chaotic and I needed so much support. As you learn skills to ground yourself it will easier to deal with the rough times on your own.

 

[Kopykat]

Avoidance is my specialty!!!! Ok so you could just not go and avoid all that discomfort. Tota...

So I did go today after I was certain I wouldn't go. And I got really angry and told my therapist about it and she asked for clarification as to why I was angry and I explained. I'm not sure I'm satisfied w how it went and I still feel on the fence about therapy but I guess I am glad I didn't avoid it.

I think it will get easier. I only want to skip sessions when a part of me is wanting to shut my t out or...

I think I feel my life will always be chaotic and I either go from I freeze people out or I try to let them in and then no one is there

Right there with you in wanting to avoid therapy, especially when it has been a crappy week. I already...

I appreciate your words. I think I have to be more open w my communication w my therapist and w people in general. I think I assume people know what's been going on bc it's been going on so long and I get irritated I have to keep reminding people when I'm having a really hard time if that makes sense.

 

[UnicornSightings]

So I did go today after I was certain I wouldn't go. And I got really angry and told my therapist about...

Oh you went! That's awesome! And you told your therapist you were angry! That's such a good thing to do! Sorry you aren't sure how you're feeling. That's totally ok. You made positive strives with this session!!

 

[Kopykat]

Sometimes when I open up I'm afraid it'll be used against me, like if I'm vulnerable and such.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Sometimes when I open up I'm afraid it'll be used against me, like if I'm vulnerable and such.

...[/QUOTE]
Haha I'm like that all of the time. Makes it hard for sure.

 

[Kopykat]

Well I'm glad I'm not alone in that lol

 

[deeplyloved]

You are very courageous! I'm inspired by how gracefully you faced your fear and expressed yourself honestly.

Communication is hard! So often I think I'm being explicitly clear and then find others still don't understand me! So you're not alone in struggling to trust and needing more practice identifying and clearly expressing your needs.

I confess to my therapist that I'm usually embarrassed to share my feelings with her because I know they are not rational and I want to sensor them. But, when I'm brave enough to take that risk, she always gives me helpful insights and more tools to practice. Her corrective reframing is more efficient than what I can attempt on myself! That's why I'm paying her!