Want To Cut Myself Up

[Chava]

I won't. Or burn myself. But it's beyond ripping up books or even cutting them up with knives. More like take a sledge hammer to my car and the walls. Going to work out for a bit, even if I'm sedated. Heavy resistance. I'll let you know if it helps. But what helps others when full of anger, rage, or panic (like the rage-directed-at-self kind, if that makes sense)? I feel like I've been patient for YEARS on some pain stuff and now tests come back with disagreements, dismissed info, and no follow-up (to spinal lesions?!!). I'm so tired of advocating for myself and so tired of feeling frustrated and impatience. Nobody else deserves the intensity of how angry I am right now, so I want to just cut myself up and feel better!!!!!

Okay, time to go push some weight and wreck something.

 

[Momofthree]

I like to listen to heavy metal (angry) music as loud as I can, lay flat on my back on the floor or in bed with my legs straight and my arms to my side, close my eyes and just listen... if that doesn't work I cut while listening to the music. It's about a 50/50 shot, but it's the only thing I know that works that good for me.

 

[Friday]

All 3 of the above.

Attack something reasonable, music (still or with dance, gives a whole new meaning to breakdance), or disconnect my emotions from my body and be perfectly, perfectly still and let the firestorm wash over me until it's burned itself out. The last is when it would be far too dangerous to let it get even a glimpse of the real world.

 

[Kintsugi]

My partner used to hoard things from Goodwill, garage sales, junk piles, etc. for the sole purpose of breaking them when he felt extremely destructive.

You have to clean it up, but it's really so worth it.

 

[sun seeker]

Take your glass recycling to the transfer station and throw each piece in the bin separately as hard as you can, for the satisfaction of hearing it smash.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I write in my journal in really big letters, fast all the anger I am feeling. Also, sometimes I just take some paper and color on it in red or black. Really hard and really fast.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I am not sure if I can help because my anger seems to differ from time to time. A year ago my anger was at its absolute worst. I smashed my apartment to bits and screamed until I was hoarse. Definitely not a good strategy but the anger was controlling me back then.

The thing about it was that I had caved to the anger and I had nodded and agreed with it all the time, not realizing I was empowering it instead of empowered by it. That's a huge difference. Anger is good when it gives you the strength to make healthy choices in your life, but when it becomes geared towards you or others and destructive then it has no good use.

I have much less anger fits than before so my insight in strategies might have become a little less informed, but I think running frequently is a good technique to deal with it and also breathing exercises. I used to also, when I can, just feel the anger. In the end I would frequently discover that there was a different emotion hiding behind the anger. Powerlessness, in my case.

Yoga can help too, but maybe not in the angry moment itself, more as a "side dish"... it's about staying in control of your mind and emotion in the midst of the turmoil.

 

[Kintsugi]

I forgot, but was reminded by @Radise, I found swimming to be really cathartic for releasing my anger. I did lots of exercising back when my anger was really bad, but swimming seemed to work the best. All that thrashing around in something I couldn't really hurt, it was exhausting and somehow liberating.

 

[Ronin]

Breaking things I don't depend on and won't miss, eventually. Not as a first option but it's doable.
Drumming. Drumming's been my coping for ages. Helps me reconnect with sense of stable & meaningful self rather fast.
Ice. For the 'burn myself' urges. I usually back off easier with ice related pains than fire related pains, fire I'm greatly a 'I don't care I pulled through it so many times before, it's nothing' kind of unreasonable.
Dance/movement of any kind that can change into creativity and Just Breathing.
Writing angry lyrics and sharing them with teens who'll find them inspirational as hell and relatable and taking them out of isolation. Works both ways, I get my bullshit out without bothering people, and they get a sense older people deal with mess just like them.

Mmhm. Still at the 'hot rage' coping. If it's the cold kind I'm kind of useless at advice, other than 'suck it up and tell people able to hold me on a leash'.

 

[Chava]

disconnect my emotions from my body and be perfectly, perfectly still and let the firestorm wash over me until it's burned itself out.

I relate to this, but sometimes the intensity within that place also scares me so I'm trying not to go there. But that just means it has worked for me (been safer) and isn't working now. If I can apply more of my therapy stuff I can allow myself to "attack" stuff slowly but exert a lot of energy. I can't believe I haven't tipped my car yet, but that's what I'm working on. It's my car, my garage! (this won't happen, but I like that I can try)

 

[Chava]

Lots of great ideas, thanks everyone for sharing! I got through the evening...some pulling and primarily pushing stuff helped...got creative with resistance work.

Part of the struggle seems to be even allowing myself to feel angry or way stressed out. I just never learned how to manage that, so it comes as a sort of damn break where I don't know how to be angry but also safely contain myself. Helps to just exert some sheer force, use up my big muscles. Probably in the past I wouldn't have thought that mattered because it doesn't necessarily solve the problem or eliminate the source of anger, but it really does help (in the same way cutting did)...just that release of energy. Sometimes, like yesterday, I just catch it on the verge of too late and it feels creepy.