Want To Feel "good" But That's Creepy

[Chava]

I "recovered" from cutting and switched to alcohol. I recovered from alcoholism and switched back to anorexia (that was pre-cutting). I stayed anorexic for almost 2 decades. Sober. I gained weight to feel like a normal healthy person, and ended up with chronic pain....like my body is hell bent on suffering. wtf. So I got on a cocktail of meds that, over the years, led me back to drinking. In the meantime, I have gained many great "normal" skills for taking care of myself and even my meltdowns. I don't have pain today, I feel 'okay" and on a deep level, I am uncomfortable with that. (So I'm drinking to pull me down a notch and make me suffer.....tomorrow I will get back on track again...)

I'm afraid to feel pain-free, to feel good and fully alive. I won't know who I am. I won't know what to do. I know I bring all the suffering on myself. But I don't know how to be healthy and strong and feel okay with it. Did lots of yoga today...doing good things, then it gets uncomfortable. I buy cigs or alcohol to kick me back into suffering.

I don't trust myself. I'm split...split between wanting to really live, and feeling like the option is close (pressure) and the old voices of self annihilation...they are a little stronger. ...like they see me almost getting out of this pit (I say "They" but I know it is all me...just conflicted parts of me).

Well, that's enough. I was crying at my therapists' saying I want to take care of myself (but weak, like I didn't have faith in myself. But I DO want to take care of myself. I have to make that voice stronger.

Does it make sense to anyone that as we get better, old habits or beliefs want to take us down? How do you work around it? And how do you help yourself tolerating feeling "good" and "alive" and like "I deserve to be here"?????

thanks for reading....

 

[Deleted member 29961]

Does it make sense to anyone that as we get better, old habits or beliefs want to take us down?

yes, I understand your dilemma, I go through it myself. I think it has a lot to do with what we are familiar with. As we try and change for the better, we enter unfamiliar territory and we become uncomfortable. To regain some comfort, we fall back on the familiar albeit self destructive behaviors because their familiarity brings a sense of comfort. It is comforting because it is a known and not an unknown and we have learned to live with it.

 

[Chava]

So true @Jigsaw Puzzle .....I "know" better, but I just want to feel like "me" and it's confusing. I did enjoy just feeling good for a bit today, really taking care of myself well too....then something switches off... "That's enough' or..." TOO MUCH"

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I can really relate to this. Don't have much advice, but I do wish you the best.
Sometimes I like to think about the person I could potentially develop after I take away all of the 'coping skills' we have devolved. To truly live comfortably in knowing myself.
Maybe one day!

 

[Chava]

take away all of the 'coping skills' we have devolved. To truly live comfortably in knowing myself.

Feels like I'm getting close to that....and the old alcohol has emerged to test me and f*ck me up a bit....I have learned to appreciate this is a VERY slow process that evolves with ups and downs, and hopefully maintaining scraps of "self" to build off of, but whoa...it's confusing because I've come from such a dark place. I WANT to feel good, but I'm ashamed over feeling good and can't tolerate much of it. So bizarre how we have to work to manage our difficult emotions, but the good ones too...the ones we aren't familiar with......damn it.

 

[Deleted member 29961]

@Chava Exactly! the trick trying to make the new territory into the new comfort zone. If you have been living with your traumas since childhood like myself, it can be tough road. I am at a point where neither feels comfortable in normal situations, but under high stress I want to fall back on my old ways again.

 

[Chava]

I am at a point where neither feels comfortable in normal situations, but under high stress I want to fall back on my old ways again.

Yes yes yes! It's so hard! I pray to a creep Hindu goddess of transformation (Kali)....accepting that this is major transformation. Please help me stay sane through it and not unravel......

 

[Chava]

Maybe I have to just trust myself better?????

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Trust, and maybe patience. My best advice is to allow yourself to develop. Don't beat yourself up. Love yourself. That sounds really Korny and I honestly have a hard time writing those let alone feel or hear those words. But that's my best guess. I'm not really sure if that's any help to you!!

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Maybe... Instead better words would be... Learn to love yourself and to be kind to yourself. That's a real process. I think a tough one at that.

 

[InvisibleSun]

I know exactly how you feel, @Chava!! One of the scariest part of recovery for me is learning how to live a life that isn't chaotic and miserable. I seek the adrenaline rush now..Normality just seems so strange and foreign. I sometimes question whether inner peace and true happiness are even possible because it always seems so out of reach for me..

I think after awhile you come to know yourself in the darkness and it becomes a part of you. Time, healing, and patience are all that are really going to allow us to step outside our heads and begin to rebuild. All I can say is stay strong, take it day by day and never give up hope..

 

[Chava]

Learn to love yourself and to be kind to yourself. That's a real process. I think a tough one at that.

YES. You are right. But ehhh, f*ck. AA people don't even know what the f*ck to do about me lately but god bless them for not writing me off....