Want To Feel "good" But That's Creepy

[Chava]

Out of alcohol, trying to avoid mouthwash. Anger not OKAY. Welts and lll;;]

I will email my therapist....

f*ck

f*ckers............
I did feel good earlier today and that was REAL but I don't know how to sustain it. Scary shit.

p.s. don't beat up on m for drinking because I will do that quit well. I just want to be okay with "okay" and not expecting the world to blow up.....

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

@Chava I hope your therapist apt. Goes well!! You're not alone. You're in my thoughts.

-Dragonfly

 

[Kailani]

you might have guilt for feeling good if you were emotionally abused and told in different ways you aren't allowed to feel good. My aunt told me, the best revenge is success. It's a good reminder on how to get back at abusers. You are allowed to do good! Anger is healthy to have- i also like boxing, swimming, walking, cussing. haha. drinking and smoking help for a time then destruct you so it's good (not easy) to have goals for their limiting if possible-something i am still working on with smoking. I also seek adrenalin as my drug of choice-i like it too-who wants to be normal? Remember that people are not giving up on you because of who you are. Hope that helps you-hugs

 

[Deleted member 29961]

@Chava

....I would be beaten for anger

:cry::hug: (if you except)... yeah, that sucks.

p.s. don't beat up on m for drinking because I will do that quit well

I wasn't going to, I was going to suggest you try and get some rest and then be kind to yourself tomorrow, we all fall down sometime.

 

[hodge]

I know on the rare occasion I feel good, I am immediately waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because that's how it always was all my life. Not now, though. I no longer live with an abusive person. Yet I go through the difficult flashback time every day at dinnertime. I practice relaxation and mindfulness, especially before that time of day, and it still hurts. Take care, Chava. I hope your appt. is productive and you can come back and report something helpful to the rest of us :-)

 

[Chava]

I am trying to cancel...might not work. OMG Iam a f*ck UP. I don't know what I need

 

[hodge]

I hope you don't cancel, Chava. It sounds like you really need to see your T.. I know when I feel really bad I want to cancel, too, but those are really the times we need to see them.

 

[Chava]

I CAN;T......................................................................g\f*ck.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Please don't cancel ... you are obviously incredibly strong and resilient to have come this far already, and you have the strength to keep going.

I always remind myself - I had the strength to survive the original abuse, and therefore I have the strength to survive facing the memories and aftermath of it. You do too. I promise. Perhaps you need some kindness from yourself? Some tea? A walk? Something else you find comforting (but not destructive)?

Please take care.

 

[Intrepid]

I've done a lot of things to change how I feel, hide successes, make good feelings go away. Some people drink to feel good. I drank to sedate the fear of feeling good. What you describe is drinking as medicine. I can relate. Just be careful. Alcohol has some pretty bad side affects.

Here is my best childish attempt to make sense of feeling good. When I feel good, I am encouraged to do more. But when I do more, I put myself at risk.

I saw this happen with my mean ol' ex wife a few months ago. I did well in school, and felt motivated to apply what I learned to our broken relationship. It didn't go well. She dragged my self esteem through the gutter, like always. I could easily blame my doing well in school as the reason I tried to reconnect with her. I've done it sooo many times.

Truth is, I don't think I have a good foundation for feeling good. I spent too much of my life in a fog (and I don't mean the fog of booze. That was just an extension of the fog.) I spent too much of my life in the fog of PTSD. The trauma I experienced shaped me from my early days. I really don't know how to handle those feelings.

Anyway, just want to say that @Chava you are really honestly doing the best you can, and you don't deserve being beat up, not even by yourself. If you can't do more now, then do it later.

 

[Rumors]

Hang in there, Chava! Don't cancel and just go in with your posts printed out and show them to your therapist. You are hurting and need someone to comfort you. Nothing wrong with that. I hope you can see your way through today. Please pm me if you need to chat. I am sorry you are hurting.

 

[The Albatross]

Not gonna beat you up... it just hits a bit too close to home. My sister in law's issue with alcohol was complicated by Ativan and she did things while loaded that she could have gone to jail for. I just am afraid of the consequences for you Chava if you can't get a handle on this.