Was Great- Then Moved Next Door To Family...

[RecoveringGirl]

As an adult I've built my own recovered life separate from the child abuse growing up. I live in a different state and my boyfriend and friends don't really have any idea. It has been so freeing- I can be who I really am, I don't feel judged, I don't feel like a victim, all those things that come along with everyone knowing your history.

Then my boyfriend and I decided to move in together and coincidentally my grandparents (who live in this state too) offered us free rent in a next door apartment they own. I've morphed back into a "rescue" as we like to joke about it (hope that analogy works online). He's never seen this side of me :( I feel like I cannot be that free, strong, comfortable person living here. My grandparents weren't abusive but there are so many memories of me as a child with them, I still feel like a little girl here. They know about everything that happened and are very supportive. But they love to talk about when I was a kid and have photographs, which are very triggering. Also they're late 80s and I'm terrified for their health and my grandma is starting to lose it.

The whole thing is making me sick :( I've started to hate any physical contact with the boyfriend, he walks in a room and I jump or scream sometimes, I hate sex because I feel like they are right there. I just feel like I'm being violated. Rent is about $1500 for a one bedroom here so it saves us a lot, but it is eating up our relationship and making me very unhappy. I don't know how to become ok with this. I am not comfortable being myself around them and don't think I ever will be.

What can I do? We really want to save money but I don't think our relationship or my sanity can take this much more :(

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello,

To be very honest I think you answered your own question. I think your "sanity" and health is much more important then saving that $1500 a month. What if you had to go to the hospital because your health got so bad?

Your number one priority should be you and your health. Without those things it is very hard to have a job and a life much less a stable relationship.

Best wishes RecoveringGirl.

 

[p-no]

Don't give up the 'recovering' in your user name. You were doing well before, you can tell even from just reading your post. It's important to look after you to recover as much as possible. Saving money isn't worth that.

Best wishes!

 

[RecoveringGirl]

Thanks, definitely get your points. Boyfriend and I have already cut the talks of moving out from a year from now to something shorter. Trouble is I have only been able to find part time work and his job doesn't start for a few more weeks. We definitely value my sanity more than money, but it is a big factor.

But what to do in the meantime?

 

[p-no]

Maybe it would be a good idea to remind yourselves, both of you, over and over, that this will change again and that what's been happening has been due to PTSD and the closeness to your childhood and not him or you. Other than that, all I can think of is grounding, going out (walks, etc.), doing things you normally enjoy (do them anyways) and see if you can get relief out of that for some time.

Maybe you could talk to your grandparents about what is triggering. They may be 80ish but at the same time they should still care at that age and if what they do has a negative effect on you, they could maybe change that. A reduction of stressors and/or triggers will bring relief. And then again, remind yourselves that when you move further away, you will most likely improve again. It's a matter of doing that, and the time to be overcome until then.

 

[Loner]

I get that this is unpleasant, but it might not be that bad. If you were forced to have any contact with your abusers, I would say get out of there, but you said your grandparents are supportive and caring, as well as your boyfriend.

This might even be good for you, hear me out. From what I can tell, the situation you are in is 'safe' just triggering. This might be your mind's way of telling you that you are ready to deal with new stuff, move forward, etc.

Are you in therapy currently?

If you stay and tough it out, it might bring up lots of stuff, but once you deal with it, you might be happier overall. All that stuff is already inside you. It doesnt come from outside.


I could be wrong though. Sometimes bringing things up is healing because it lets you sort them out. There are some things I have already sorted out though and thinking about them no longer serves much of a purpose other than to distract me from focusing on positive stuff.


$1500 a month will pay for a rediculous amount of therapy, hahaha. If I were you, just based on what you have said, I'd at least try and stick it out for a month or two, but start going to therapy with the money you saved if you arent already, even if youve been in the past.