Was my therapist now my best friend

[UnicornSightings]

One thing I’ve learned that really helps me is that you don’t wait to get strong before you take action. You take action and then you get strong. You gotta do this the hard way but you’ll be rewarded once you go through it!

 

[NightSky]

In one situation the person moved. In another situation the person just stopped responding to me (she was much older, a pastor’s wife, with abuse in her past who told me she understood how i was feeling and wanted to help me). So I didn’t willfully end either relationship. They did. And it was extremely painful for a while. The one who moved ended up distancing herself, and then we became friends again a couple of years later and things are totally equal now. We go months without talking but are able to be very open and supportive with each other with zero sense of NEEDING her. When I was in it, I didn’t care if it was wrong because my need to be saved was so great. I now struggle with those feelings for my T but I trust she will eventually help me deal with them. And I now recognize while my attach part literally feels like she won’t be able to breathe without knowing my T is there, my Self understands that’s not true.

 

[Bird33]

@UnicornSightings i know I have to be strong and just do it. It’s the actual doing it that is so scary.
@NightSky What you said is exactly how I feel. “When you were in it you didn’t care if it was wrong” Sorry I don’t know how to do the quote thing. I just have such tremendous turmoil with wanting and needing the relationship and knowing something isn’t right. It started when I was in therapy with her. I knew I was overly attached and I needed to see her every week for therapy. I would say to myself if I just make it to the session I will okay. It continued in the friendship relationship. It is better now, but I have to talk to myself constantly. It is so tiring.

 

[littleoc]

It was after I had gone on a trip to France with another one of my friends. I was actually worried about going on the trip to Paris bc I was worried it would change my relationship with my ex therapist. Anyway, when things changed I really had a hard time and basically begged her (I’m totally humiliated by this) and she really did nothing so I had to back off a bit.

This happened to me with the person I was talking about. When I went to college, she warned me straight up that I would be abandoning her if I made any friends. She insisted later that she had been joking.

It got worse the longer I was in college -- after I went to Belize, she cheated on me with her ex (from middle school...). When I went to Iceland, she kept texting me complaining that I was putting Iceland before her mental needs (long, long story short). When I got back to the United States, she never mentioned it and acted like I was being paranoid. But she never wanted to hang out again after that. This was the final time I really spoke to her.

We have a lot in common, we have fun together. I do really care about her.

I feel this, too. Breaking up with my ex/friend was the hardest thing I could do. I ended up sucked back in for a YEAR under literally crippling circumstances because she "needed me." It was true -- she needed help -- but I couldn't give that. And she couldn't give that to me. She would get upset when I talked about my problems, even if I was just telling her about them casually. She'd get upset that I hadn't involved her or had chosen someone else to talk to. (I just realized how gaslighty that is!)

Thing is, I DO still lover her. I'm still worried and I hope she gets hell. But I also love myself, and I know that she was dangerous. Often manipulatively dangerous, in a way that is hard to focus on and see even now.

So I remind myself that I am doing this for me and my health. We are not good friends. I have blocked her on almost everything, and know that if she ends up desperately needing help, I wouldn't be able to help her anyway. I don't deserve that.

Don't wait to fall out of love with this person. It won't happen that way, is what I'm letting you know.

When I was in France with my other friend my ex therapist was texting me the entire time there and was missing me. We planned a night out together when I came back. When I did return immediately it changed. I don’t know if it was coincidence or not.

It doesn't matter if it was or wasn't. That you even have this doubt at all, no matter who's fault it is, is incredibly telling. Do you have worries like this for other friends? I doubt it. Friendship isn't about making sure someone likes you. (That was a hard lesson for me.)

I'm sorry -I gotta call b*lls**t on your ex-t. She has a strong upper hand, due to the trust that understandably placed in her back when she was your t. And now she has you on a short leash to meet her needs while disregarding yours. That is Manipulative with a capital M. Someone who cares about you doesn't treat you like that. Does anyone else here feel that "RUN!" is the proper advice? Life is screaming at me on your behalf! RUN!

100% agree here :)





Also, remember that this person is not your friend. This doesn't sound like friendship at all.

 

[NightSky]

@UnicornSightings i know I have to be strong and just do it. It’s the actual doing...

Yes but when you were in therapy with her it was her job to help you manage those feelings. It’s not wrong to be attached that way to someone who is qualified and able to help you, who has strong enough boundaries and is healthy enough not to need your attachment. She has hurt you by pulling you out of the therapy relationship to meet her own needs. I feel so much for you and am so sorry she has strung you along like this. She is probably too unhealthy to recognize what she has done.

 

[littleoc]

Also:

She said she wanted to be your friend before -- but why? To help you, to support you and protect you like she implied when you first talked about this two years ago?

Or because she had few friends? As she also said two years ago? It feels like when manipulated you into this

I knew I was overly attached and I needed to see her every week for therapy. I would say to myself if I just make it to the session I will okay. It continued in the friendship relationship. It is better now, but I have to talk to myself constantly. It is so tiring.

Oh, I definitely understand this....

In a therapy context, though, this is incredibly alarming. If you "need" to see a therapist for any other reason than your own healing, something is wrong.

I get it, though. This used to happen to me with my ex/friend, too.

 

[Bird33]

@littleoc I’m sorry you had a similar experience and you are so strong to be able to see it and deal with it.
@NightSky I do not feel like this in any other relationship. The only relationship that I remember really feeling needy was with my grandmother when I was a kid. She loved me unconditionally.
My ex therapist and I would talk about the relationship at the beginning but later when I would bring it up she would not talk to me for a day or so after. She never says anything mean or does anything mean so it’s hard to pinpoint if it’s wrong or if I am just overreacting. You know what I mean?

When she asked me to be friends it was over a text. We had met at the park for a session the week before so I could meet her puppies. She said she has a hard time with boundaries with me bc she could see herself being friends with me. I said yes I could be friends with you too and then she asks if I wanted to try. Of course I did. I felt like I hit the jackpot. We continued with therapy for another couple of weeks but I felt too uncomfortable so we stopped and we just hung out all the time.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have had several relationships like this- feeling inextricably drawn to a person believing (subconsc...

I think this hits the nail on the head.

It’s a child part acting out.

It’s your job to attend to this child parts needs. Nobody else can provide for this parts needs but you.

If you just pull away from your friend, your wounded child part is going to scream out in pain and you’ll go running back to your friend just for some relief. If you give your child part the comfort it needs, then the draw toward this friend will lessen over time.

 

[SunAndMoon]

@ Bird33,

A couple things in my situation that helped me end things were:
1. I got some good advice that the person I was attached to would never be able to offer me what I was really looking for. Even though I was feeling emotional and desperate, I really heard those words-some little part of me held onto them.
2. The person I was attached to became more and more destructive, and the pain of that on top of my own pain was too much.

To start healing, I had to take the focus off the other person and focus on myself. Sometimes that has been tricky, b/c I was raised to put others' needs first. But the way out has been to self-parent. Sometimes, it's just asking myself "What do I need right now?" And then-doing my best to provide it. It's not self-centered, it's self-nurturing. It's asking myself how I feel. Then it's trying to think of how I would respond to someone who said that, and being that friend to myself.

Sometimes, writing in a journal helps. Also, writing letters to my inner child helps. If I am feeling desperate and unloved, I write to my 2-year-old self (insert your name here) and write sympathetic things like,"It must be really tough to have that feeling. I feel so bad that you had to go through that" or whatever else I would say to someone I cherished. Adult me writes to young me.

If the feeling is really really strong, most likely it's my young self/inner child.

It felt strange at first to write these letters b/c I received direct and indirect messages growing up that these emotional parts weren't important, or that I should stuff them down. They ARE important parts that our adult self needs to mirror to our young self/inner child.

I hope this helps you.

 

[littleoc]

@littleoc I’m sorry you had a similar experience and you are so strong to be able to see it and deal with it.

So are you!

 

[NightSky]

@littleoc I’m sorry you had a similar experience and you are so strong to be able t...

Right. That’s where she went wrong. My T has said she sometimes has clients she feels like she could be best friends with (and has insinuated many times that i am one of those people) She also has told me she is glad she learned about counter transference because she was feeling that with me at certain times. But she explained that friendship erases the objectivity she needs to get to know me in the therapy room. (And that’s only one reason friendship wouldn’t work).
Of course you felt like you hit the jackpot. It’s not your job to hold those boundaries. It was hers. It’s sort of like kids feeling more secure in a home with rules and procedures. They may buck against them, but those things make them feel safe and secure. Same in therapy with boundaries. Especially with people who need to work through attachment difficulties. They need someone who can hold those boundaries and be there and leave themselves out of the equation. She didn’t do that.

 

[Bird33]

@EveHarrington @ SunAndMoon @littleoc Everyone is so amazing here and so helpful. I really appreciate everyone’s responses.
I think your right it is a childpart that wants her needs met. I can try journaling and asking and giving what that part needs myself. I talk to myself saying that she can’t give me what I need

Like right now she said she wanted to talk and was going to call me today to talk. So I have been waiting (and working) all day for the call. I try to think of other things but I keep thinking and waiting for it. Ugh