Sexual Assault Was This Rape? I Couldn't Say No

[stillstanding2]

At this point it just feels like a dream, like it happened to someone else. I don't want to label it as assault because it just doesn't feel real anymore, or like it happened - and therefore it doesn't feel that bad. I

It sounds to me as if you are taking a healthy break from the anxiety that you felt before talking the incident over with the forum. You don't deny the facts that happened, but having expressed yourself here--something you were not able to do when you "froze"--you have asserted yourself in this safe place.

You have some of our thoughts to work with, as well as time to process at your own pace. It could be that your fear of not being able to handle that immediate threat when it occurred has faded somewhat.

The man or boy acted inappropriately, whether intentionally or not, and that briefly shocked you into paralysis, but perhaps the main harm done was to your self-confidence. Having wisely vented and received support, you have in fact taken action to overcome part of the terror you felt. You can't change what happened, but you may be better prepared to define it, and avoid similar situations.

Another useful thought is that one incident does not make a pattern. Take care of yourself.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

That you feel stupid for falling for "I believe in affirmative yes" or whatever it was he said. Don't feel stupid! That's human. That's the reason people like this are so bad. Because they act like a person who actually believes that would act. They are good at deceiving people. And you have to be cautious, but you also have to be able to have a level of trust to have a normal life.
My partner told be the same thing by the way. He knew what I've been through(same as you except it was a "friend" and it wasn't "almost everything", but everything exactly). Back to my partner, at the time we lived in different cities which meant if I wanted to explore if we can be more than friends I had to visit him, and I had no extra money for hotel or anything. He said he had extra bed and I can sleep there if I wanted. He said he won't do anything I don't want to do and respect my wishes- he won't even kiss me if I don't want to. Now, that required a lot of trust(granted we had gotten to know each other for over half a year at that point) on my part. It could have been a situation like this. But I chose to try anyway.

And here is the difference between someone who means this and someone trying to deceive me. He really left it up to me. When I decided I want to try being with him because I was enjoying myself, we started things. When I froze and couldn't continue, he stopped as well, and talked me through calming down. Considering all that I've been through, over the course of us beginning to date, that was not the only time I froze amidst doing anything with him, and he is always careful and respectful. In the beginning we talked through what my boundaries are, the things I don't want to even attempt yet because they trigger me, the things I don't think I'll ever try. He has never been direspectful or crass. Even when it was hard on him. I'm glad to say we are still together and with time most of my walls and triggers and fears and all falling away, and I do really trust him completely. Don't feel foolish for trying to trust someone. You have to be able to really do that, to find a true partner.

But for your safety sake, do think through ways to deal with such situations if they occur for any reason. You can't always foresee with whom and how it can happen.

 

[Keir]

In regards to understanding why your body reacted the way it did, <added by staff: Dead Link Removed>, an article you may find helpful. The physiological fear reaction you experienced is a well recognised phenomenon, and it's something you had no control over.

There is absolutely no doubt that this is a case of criminal sexual assault. You did everything right. You made it clear before you went to his flat that you did not want to have sex with him, and he assured you that he believed in an affirmative yes, and would never do anything you didn't want to do. Despite that, he ignored your physical unresponsiveness, he ignored you when you said you didn't want to do anything, and he responded to your shaking and crying by telling you that you wanted it and asked for it.

You say you never said no, but actually you did: you had a very clear mutual understanding before you went back to his flat, and when he went further than you were comfortable with, you told him that you didn't want to do anything, and he ignored you.

You could not have physically said or done more, because of your body's physiological fear reaction. And he ignored your physical reactions too - even to the extent of telling you you wanted it and asked for it while you were shaking and crying.

Looking at the facts logically and objectively, how can this be anything other than a clear, unambiguous case of sexual assault? To be clear, I believe there are grey areas when it comes to sexual assault. But I see no grey areas in this case. Like I said, you did everything right.

If this man is still harassing you, or contacting you in anyway, then the only way for you to be completely safe is to make a report to the police (even if you don't intend to press charges), and apply for a restraining order.

And even if you don't want to press charges, it's very important the police know about this, as you're probably not the only woman he's done this to, and you probably won't be the last.

If you can find the strength and courage to do this, then you will be able to feel safe, and you will have the satisfaction of knowing you've done what is within your power to protect other women from this man.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you are able to recognise that you are in absolutely no way to blame for what happened. As I keep on saying, you did everything right: you were extremely clear about your own boundaries, he pretended that he respected your boundaries, and then proceeded to treat you like an object once he had you inside his flat, and wilfully ignored every single clear signal that you did not want this. Like I said, this is an absolutely unambiguous case of criminal sexual assault.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Yes, I would believe this was definitely sexual assault! You clearly told him beforehand that you didn't want to and even throughout you stated you tried to tell him you didn't want to do things.. I have the same problem..I will often disassociate to "get through" things I don't want to do instead of actually saying "no". After someone has been sexually assaulted, violated, etc.. in the past I think it is hard to say no in the moment.

 

[Helper]

Mulling this over for the last few days.

I recently met someone. Really really liked him....

If you wanted him to have sex with you then I would not be seen as rape however if you told him to stop and he didn't even if you told him once it is rape I suggest you go to self defence classes and show the world what he is really like and pervent it from happening again to someone else by REPORTING HIM

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

This is an old thread and luckily it hasn't been on my mind for a while, which I am super glad of. But distance and time do interesting things to perception:

I recently had another sexual encounter, with another man who believed in the affirmative yes. But instead of whatever happened that I talked about in this thread, it was him asking for permission, me granting it, and then him asking me to repeat what I had said, just to be certain that we were both on the same page.

I don't know if I'll end up dating this guy, but it felt so, so different than this other time.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@theshadowoftheliving I am so glad that you have found a guy who sounds like he truly respects you!