Was Triggered In Class Tonight

[EvenStrongerNow]

I am in a Psychology program and the class tonight was group dynamics. Basically, we will spend all semester as a group. There will be no papers, no tests, no grades (only pass or fail based on engagement in the group) where we will work toward being fully and emotionally present at all times. We will have to share our feelings, grow and change, learning things about ourselves, etc.

Well, something happened. Before class started, a man came in who was completely intoxicated. He walked around the room and was glaring at people. I got really nervous. Really really nervous. Intoxicated people, strange men are a trigger for me. Anyway, he did that about 3 times and then walked passed me speaking in gibberish.

He left. When the teacher finally got there (he was late) and was taking roll, the guy came in and disrupted again, this time speaking in gibberish again, slurring, etc. I tensed up again. I felt myself going. Even though I was scared, other people in the class kept trying to talk to him and help him. The intoxicated man walked over to me. I froze. I froze solid. He picked up a marker from the whiteboard behind me to write something on the board. I felt his shirt on his arm touch my face and I could not move. He completely disregarded my personal space. I was so scared.

I know, this sounds insane right? Well, he eventually leaves and the teacher starts talking about it, asking the class if anyone knew if he was drunk or what. Then, he asked who in the class wanted him to be kicked out and who didn't. I said I do because I feel unsafe and some others gave their input. Then, some of the students said we should give him another chance because he might come back next week sober. I felt so badly because normally I am compassionate for people if I'm not being triggered. I felt ashamed.

Well, the teacher laughed and said we can't actually vote to kick a student out of class at a community college, but that him leaving means he is absent and one more of those is an automatic drop.

I'm so confused. It's a Psychology class so it occurred to me that maybe it was an experiment the teacher was doing with other students to study the groups reactions and behaviors because he did have some returning students there acting as group facilitators, but I just don't know...

After that happened, I was trying to breathe. It took everything in me to stay in that class and not run. I was mortified, felt really embarrassed and humiliated. The whole rest of the class was colored by my trigger. I felt very cynical and not like myself. I definitely verbalized cynicism about the entire class process, felt argumentative with people.

Also, there is no group objective expressed by the professor, however I do understand the purpose of this class because of the extensive research I have done on my own over the past 4 years. He kept saying things like, "You are who you think you are not and you're not who you think you are." I love Psychology and normally I wouldn't be so overwhelmed if I had not been triggered. The subject matter caused a lot of dissociating after that trigger. I started feeling like everything was playing mind games with me. It was awful. I felt awful and alone.

I tried so hard not to make the class about my trauma, but I drowned.

There is so much more to the class. Obviously, I am not recounting every single detail of a 3 hour class in my post.

What do I do about this?? Has this ever happened to anyone at school?

Also, I'm so embarrassed because I emailed the instructor (not even his college email, I found a personal website of his online) in my horror to try and save face, but I ended up spouting on and on about how I am intelligent and I'm trying to figure out what my role is going to be in his class, yadda yadda. It was extremely impulsive of me :( I can't believe I did that :(

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi StrongerNow,

I'm really sorry that this happened and first I want to say that this has nothing to do with whether you are a compassionate person or not. You were terrified of the man, so of course you didn't want him to come back. Why on earth would you? If the others in your class were as scared as you, they would do the same thing.

Personally, I think that this class can be a great opportunity for you to feel safe and accepted. I happen to be in the same kind of psychology class at my uni. It's really hard to put yourself out there and tell others what you feel, but I think that once one does, you might find yourself within a group of very good friends.

As to the e-mail you sent to your instructor, I think you just got too scared to admit to him what your behaviour was really about. So you overcompensated by acting like a model student. No need to be ashamed of that. It's a very natural reaction to difficult circumstances.

If you can muster up the courage you can send your instructor a new e-mail explaining what is really going on. Take your time to think about what you really want to say and read it over a few times. Perhaps even sleep on it and read it again the next day before you hit send.

Hope this helps a bit. And that that creep doesn't come back again. Good luck!

 

[Hashi]

I'm afraid I can't help feeling that in a psychology class, this is an example of "psychology" that you might be expected to deal with.

If it was staged - which I suspect it was - why not? If you're taking psychology, you're taking psychology. The question for me is more - why are you taking psychology? You've been faced - whether real or not - with someone else's psychology. Isn't that why you're taking the class?

Aren't you going to be faced with all sorts of psychological scenarios in different forms? I'm sorry, but I'm a bit lost about what your expectations are of studying psychology.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

@Snowwhite I think you are right. I'm gonna just go for it and share. As I was going to bed last night, I started thinking that what feels so powerful inside of me could lose some of its power if I say it out loud to a group. Also, it will be good for the class because I know if I don't engage, it will hurt the class in a way.

@Hashi My being faced with someone else's Psychology is not why I'm taking the class. I'm taking the class because it's a requirement for my degree. I'm getting the degree because I want to be a Psychologist. I haven't decided whether it will be on the research side of the things, investigative, or what. It is my passion. There is a Psychology in everything in life. I think in dynamics, concepts, etc. I see layers all the time, everywhere.

Also, I do have an interest in counseling abused women in the future or counseling married couples, which will require another degree to be taken seriously.

I've always wanted to do this. I'm not going to let PTSD take that away from me. I am hopeful that processing the trauma with my new T will eradicate a lot of this.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I don't understand why you are so confused by my wanting to take Psychology?

Yes, I realize this is a part of Psychology, but I also have PTSD. I was sharing about being triggered.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hey @Snowwhite I had my 2nd appointment with my PTSD neuropsychiatrist today. He prescribed me .5mg of Risperdal. He says he doesn't think I'm clinically depressed, etc. He says he thinks all of my symptoms are directly tied to trauma and that it will help me sleep, get out of the house, help me be more hungry, and help reduce the re-experiencing, flashbacks, etc and make it safer for me to process in therapy.

I told him about what happened in class. He said he doesn't think I should open up and tell everyone what happened . . .that some professors approach their class in a way that completely misses the clinical aspect of psychology which is to have personal boundaries, etc. He says he doesn't think it would be good for me to try and be so emotionally available and vulnerable to people right now, at this stage in my recovery. He said just because it's what the professor wants, that doesn't mean that everyone in that class is going to be safe for me emotionally.

I think I agree with him, even though it allows me to avoid in a way....but that's why I come on these boards and that's why I have a T lol

 

[Hashi]

I didn't say I was surprised you were taking psychology. I was wondering about your expectations of taking psychology.

This is what I'd expect of a psychology class - that you'll be brought up close and personal with other people's challenging behaviour in various ways. The people I knew at university who studied psychology used to be put in little scenarios like this. They also used to do role play where they knew it was role play but had no idea what behaviour to expect. Plus visits to hospitals and so on.

To me, being in a room with difficult situations and behaviour is what psychology is about, basically. That might be one step removed with videos, subject matter and case studies. I'd expect it to also be face to face though.

It sounds like you're hoping to keep it quite academic for now, and maybe later too? I'm not sure how much you can keep the practical/clinical/face to face aspects separated out. I think it's part of what you're studying. I don't know how much you can control the timing of those, for when you feel more ready. It would be nice but I'm not sure it's realistic. I would think you need to be prepared, given the subject.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

My expectations of Psychology, then, are that I already know what it's all about. I have been studying it extensively prior to going to school. I was triggered though. The only way that I can be prepared is to get through processing. I'm trying to work on that.

I suppose I did think it would be academic for a time especially because field work doesn't start until you get to certain courses in the degree plan later on. There are courses that are specifically marked for those aspects.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Good for you that you talked to your psychiatrist about this! If he says it is not wise to open up, then of course you should follow his advice. I'm sure he knows much better what's best for you than any of us can, based solely on this thread.

As to the studying discussion: I already wanted to study psychology before my trauma and I feel like this is most definitely the right study for me. Yes, I may encounter things that resemble what happened to you. But hey, I live in a city part where I already have been through those things and very probably will again in the future. As long as it doesn't hurt me too much, I do not intend to ever quit studying what I love.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in life you will be confronted with things like this. Part of them you cannot possibly avoid. They really suck, but as long as you have a good enough safety net with your T and medication, I don't think these confrontations should make you quit studying psychology. Keep talking about your experiences with your T, friends, the people on this lovely forum. And ask for help in time when you think it's getting too scary / overwhelming.

What direction do you want to take in the field of psychology? There are so many paths you can take where you won't have to deal with psychiatric patients at all.

Keep a close eye on yourself and use your support system. I'm sure that you are very able to pass your courses and become a great psychologist. :)

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks so much. You're so right. I live in a big city too. Before PTSD, I could even talk to strangers lol I could handle all kinds of abnormal things.

That's why I decided that if I do become a T, I will only work with women who have been through trauma or young couples who need some conflict management skills. I'm sure there can be a screening process of some sorts or a specialty to work toward.

I am interested in research though too. Last night on television, I saw a study that was done on babies and what they might be thinking. Things like that are so fascinating to me. Investigative is very interesting too. There are so many paths that can be taken. Child development is really neat too. There is also educational psychology.

I figure I'll just do my AA degree and go from there. I'm trying to not totally think of the bigger picture at the moment and just get a few classes done and see where it leads me.

My old T told me that many, many Ts have their own Ts :D

 

[Britt.f7]

Well that certainly would have rattled my cage. I think you handled it just fine. Open up only enough to cooperate with this class. You'll know your limits. They won't.

You just make sure you have your foundation.

 

[BLHutch]

Let me chime in here, though I am somewhat late. I teach at a Community College, though the subject is History and not Psychology. If I understand you correctly, you had an intoxicated individual come to class and your professor did nothing about it other than to ask the class their feelings on the matter? Your professor dropped the ball here big time. At my Community College, a drunk person on campus goes to jail for Public Intoxication, student or not. Of course, we have our own police department and that may not be the case where you are. I feel really bad for your entire class since the professor obviously had no problem allowing a potentially volatile situation to continue.

You have every right to be concerned, scared, etc. I can't give you any advice really, but I would think about perhaps reporting this situation to someone in the college administration and telling them how it made you feel. If this student should show up to class in such a state again, I would advise you to leave the classroom and report the matter immediately.