We Both Have Ptsd

[Reclusive]

So, now that I've found my angry place, my anger is making itself very known. Both my fiance and I have PTSD and I do everything. I run all the errands, I take care of all the bills, I do all the household chores (not promptly, I admit, but I do get to them), I answer the phone if it's someone we accept calls from - he doesn't even have the phone program open on his computer - I take care of all his paperwork, I remind and take him to all his appts. I clean up the cat pee when he forgets to clean the litter box. I even take out the trash.

So, I'm on disability and my fiance has now applied. We got some forms in the mail to fill out, and one of them specifically says you cannot have someone help you fill out - if you need help, you need to make an appt with the SS office and they'll have someone help you. There's a deadline and that deadline was today - and could he be bothered to fill out the form despite several reminders? Of course not. And I can't do this for him. And he doesn't care - he just said 'I'll do it tomorrow.' It had a 5 day deadline on it.

Of course, if I express any of this to him he'll become depressed, despondent, and retreat to the bed never to come out again, because, oh yeah, I can't even tell him how I feel or it upsets him.

I'm just so mad and my only outlet is typing, which is lame. We've been together for 11 years or something like that and I don't want to end it, I just don't want to be mom anymore.....

 

[ronin47]

That kind of hearkens to what my mother is going through with my sort-of-stepfather. They seperated a year or so ago on good terms. It was largely due to my stepfather going through what you might call a midlife crisis and feeling despondent about his buisness going down the pipe. His mail still goes to the house (now owned by my mother) and my mother tells me that she tries to get him to deal with his bills and accounts and what not, but he just ignores it. I've noticed a similar pattern with my biological father when it comes to money issues. Maybe it's just a "guy thing."

My best suggestion would be to work out some kind of division of labour. Give him the tasks that are his responsibility and that you could stand to not have done. Stop filling out his disability papers for him. The best way to stop being his mom is make him grow up. Yes, he's depressed and despondent, but you're not doing him any favors by inadvertenly teaching him he can escape the day to day issues of life by curling up under the blanket and not dealing with it. He's got to grow up.

So yes, if it's something that really must get done, like taking the garbage out, I personally would just do that myself since you don't want your home turning into a landfill. Stop being his timekeeper/chauffer for his appointments. If he forgets, let him. Stop doing paperwork for him, period. He's an adult, he doesn't need you to do that for him. If he has bills specific to something he has done or used, let him pay them. If he misses them, so be it.

I must warn you, such issues will not go away once you get married. Chances are they will only get worse unless you contend with them beforehand. Yes, marriage involves a lot of compromising, but I don't hear any compromise in this situation, I hear you picking up all the slack and him contributing nothing in that regard. Marriage is not an extended date, there's a lot more involved than just love and caring for each other. You must be able to work together as a team.

 

[Reclusive]

You're totally 100% correct. Completely. I think the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in 6 months or something like that and I can barely stand it anymore. And I have a back injury, so when I vacuum I end up in bed for a couple hours.

I've tried cutting the apron strings before and that doesn't motivate him. Hell, he doesn't even feed himself, I have to make him all his meals or he'll just not eat.

We share a T and the idea is that we alternate and then we have a couples session. In our last couples session, my t told him he needs to start doing stuff and nothing has changed. He has excuses for everything.

If it had been like this when we got together, we wouldn't have lasted so long, but it's only been recently that he's just completely checked out, so I kind of feel like a b*tch for being angry (yay guilt!) but it's been a couple years now and I'm tired. I think I know what set it off, so I feel like I'm not being understanding enough and being one of those horrible people that says 'That was two years ago - you need to get over it now'. He's even told the T that if I weren't around, he'd just let himself die.

It's just one of those days where I want to run myself into the wall in hopes of splatting like a bug on a windshield.

Thank you again for your response. :devilish:

 

[ronin47]

Stop cooking for him. Let him starve. It's tough love. He's traumatized, he's not an invalid. You are hindering, not helping, his recovery by letting him act like a baby. The fact that he's a grown man and you are cooking his meals for him is simply ludicrous. He's not valuing you, he's exploiting you. He's taking advantage of you. You are not responsible for him. You are not his mother and you are not trained to fix him. You are giving him permission to spend his days wallowing in self pity rather than working on becoming whole and healthy again. He doesn't need to "get over it," he needs to "start really working on it."

 

[becvan]

Reclusive I would suggest you head on over to the carer's section and read a few of the threads about co-dependency, enabling and setting boundaries. From what you have written you are clearly enabling him to continue acting like this. I would also highly suggest getting seperate therapists. If nothing has changed in two years, clearly this is not working. His mental health and his recovery is his responsibility not yours. Time to draw the line in the sand and take responsibility only for yourself.

bec

 

[Cheshire]

I can definitely see why you're angry! Ugh, I couldn't stand it. As if you don't have enough to deal with trying to work through your own PTSD and physical problems too, you have to manage his as well? I know this sounds harsh, but you're not his mother, his nurse, or his hired help. I have no useful advice, because really, ronin has said it all, but I do hope something changes for you soon.

 

[Reclusive]

I stopped cooking for him for awhile - just because I was doing pretty bad and wasn't up to it - and he lost 50 lbs in 3 months.

I'll definitely head over to the carer's section - from reading the sufferer's section it sounded like this was kinda normal for a carer to have to go through. I'm just frustrated because I'm a sufferer and a carer and he's just a sufferer. I don't even know if that makes any sense.

We actually just started seeing this therapist a couple months ago - Rob saw him for a couple months and then I started seeing him too because the t figured we needed to be treated together. It's been better than when we've had separate ts because our ts always told us the other one needed to be more understanding and pick up more of the load. I just started seeing the t a month ago or so - I've had 3 sessions plus one couples session? I don't know if that's still bad or not. I do know that the only reason I have a t is because this one volunteered. I had been approved for therapy but it had been months and they hadn't found anyone for me.

Co-dependency has been a problem in our relationship from day 1 - I know I need to work on that. I just feel so hopeless. Thank you so much for all your advice. I'm gonna try to screw up my courage (I'm working on setting boundaries with my t right now - I mean, he's teaching me) and maybe try shifting things back the other way slowly. I dunno.

And here I see I've typed "but, but, but...." ugh. I am a world class enabler.

 

[becvan]

Good for you Reclusive. Remember that learning to set boundaries is a process. Progress not perfection.

One thing though; you really need to let him sufferer his own consequences. If he loses 50 lbs. then he loses that weight. If he loses too much then he might have to go to the hospital. That is his consequence. Everytime you give in and start doing for him again because he experiences x,y, z then you just enabled him all over again. He won't learn a damn thing and nothing will ever change because he knows that threatening to die or losing to much weight or whatever will get to you everytime. Maybe he needs to fall flat on his face to figure it out.

Food for thought.

bec

 

[Reclusive]

Yeah, boundaries have always been an issue for me, but now they're a mega-huge issue. I either have impervious ones or none at all. Story of my life.

I'll definitely have to chew on that one for awhile... I mean, how can I just let him put himself in the hospital? The idea totally freaks me out! I wish there was a way that the balance could be shifted in an organic non-dramatic fashion, but I don't know if there is one. You're right - I have serious thinking to do and I appreciate all your advice - I really mean it. Thank you.

 

[becvan]

Your very welcome. Keep us updated if you can.

bec

 

[Reclusive]

Okay, so I took a tiny little baby step and talked to him about telling me when he needs to eat. Not yet making him feed himself, but at least making him responsible for causing food to be had. I told him I felt like I was killing him by forgetting or having a whacked out schedule. He agreed to telling me when he's hungry, so I feel like that's a small victory and a good sign of what can be done in the future.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

This situation is a duplicate of our household. We both have severe PTSD ... the food junkie strikes in the middle of the night and eats everything in site. I have made meals - and healthy snacks to feed his belly, but he won't eat at the right time - he eats through the night. I wake up and the kitchen is trashed! Pie filling eaten from the can! Yuck! I can't get the man to eat balanced meals. He ate 5 of 6 cupcakes two days ago. The binge eating is killing him. I told him I wasn't BUYING any food to store. Only what I need to cook or bake with that day. He is out of hand - it was 8:30 this morning when he went to bed, but not before eating another meal ... he isn't fat but he is trying! The belly is getting bigger told him that wasn't good for a sexual relationship because his energy level is low. I need this man out of bed at a reasonable time. He needs to eat properly I advised him to tell his doctors what is going on ... they gave him new meds .. its worse ... told him go back to the doctors and figure it out.