What Advice Would You Give To Your Young Adult Self?

[shimmerz]

Or 15 year old self? Let me explain.

This posting about wanting to be an adult
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/as-i-child-i-longed-to-be-an-adult.50872/
I suppose I didn't think through very well. A younger poster said that it didn't give them much hope. Yikes!

Those were very different times. Judith Herman was a trailblazer and I didn't hear the term PTSD or trauma until decades after her work - no doctors put my somatic responses together with the possibility that I had been traumatized. Now there are many more resources available.

Anyways, Herman draws a pretty bleak picture of how life looked for those of us in those times when we stepped out on our own. I believe it was pretty accurate for the times as so little was known about trauma. But what about now? If you knew then what you know now....had the resources the younger ones have now, would there be any advice that you would give to your (or our current) younger generation in dealing with these issues that come with PTSD? What do you wish someone could have told you that may have made the journey easier? Any ideas?

 

[theotherside]

I was a mom and on my own..happier than i ever was in my whole life. I didnt know i needed to seek counseling for past trauma..i just thought i was fine..wich i appeeared to be...so my advice maybe would have been to get counseling...but then i wonder if those years as a young mom would not of been such great times..maybe it is better this way...my 15 year old self was relieved to open a new chapter...

 

[scout86]

would there be any advice that you would give to your (or our current) younger generation in dealing with these issues that come with PTSD?

The first thought that immediately springs to mind is "Yes! Actually deal with it!"

I moved out on my own pretty much when I graduated from high school and have been on my own ever since. That was a good move.

Beyond that..... I think I did the best I could with the resources that were available at the time. Like you said, there weren't many, I, for the most part, didn't realize there was anything to work on. When someone finally suggested to me that I might have PTSD, I thought, "Ok, that explains some stuff. Fine. Got it handled." (sigh)

I excelled at keeping my problems to myself. I figured (and kind of still do) that they were MY problems, I needed to deal with them (or not). Why would anyone else care or bother? There's a lot there. No one ELSE was going to think I needed any help with anything. If there was any problem solving to be done, it was up to me to do it. As I have often told my T, "The cavalry is NOT coming over the hill."

My advice? Under the conditions you describe? If I'd known then what I know now and there WAS help? My advice would be to find a GOOD therapist and get to work before you waste your ENTIRE life. You can't get "time" back. It continues to amaze me how much of "life" this stuff affects. I wish I could have gotten busy learning about this stuff a LOT sooner than I did.

 

[shimmerz]

but then i wonder if those years as a young mom would not of been such great times..maybe it is better this way...

Yes, this is a mind messer-upper for me too. The world was my oyster when I was raising my kids. I worry that if I have had known and delved in at that time if I would have had a much tougher time during those years.

 

[theotherside]

Yes..and those children are older and now i have little ones again and its like wow i did a better job and was such a great mom then...i feel sorry for little ones now and wish i could give them more...gotta keep trying..

 

[theotherside]

I was so happy to be on my own and with my new beautiful family i didnt think i needed help..

 

[jaccat]

That one's hard. I don't think at 15 I was capable of listening to advice.
Talk, that would be the main one. Go to a teacher and talk to them, tell them just how miserable you are, after all it's pretty obvious to them anyway. Don't pretend everything's okay when it's really not, and ACCEPT HELP! The world won't end if you do...

 

[scout86]

its like wow i did a better job and was such a great mom then.

Can I play devil's advocate for a second? Are you sure you really did a better job then?

What I see with myself is that I NOTICE stuff now, and probably see its significance better, and that affects how (or if) I respond to it. I'm pretty sure there has been "stuff" all along, whether I noticed it or not. Whether I thought it was "normal" or not.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I've said to me T "Really? Everyone DOESN'T......(what ever)?????" Because it turns out my idea of "normal" and particularly of "ok" is a bit skewed.

and ACCEPT HELP! The world won't end if you do...

THAT I might put on the refrigerator!

 

[theotherside]

Scout 86..ok so in some ways i may be a better mom now. But i miss how free i felt, taking my kids everywhere, playing with them, celebrating with them, involved at the school..being a room parent for goodness sakes! I even had my own buisness..as far as fast forward to my new little ones..the thought of having to enroll them in school is crippling, trusting anyone with them, not to mention i would have to be around social situations i cant handle yet. There is no going to the park, sometimes i cant even take them to the backyard to play and believe me it feels horrible because i want to be a great mom..and i feel so bad im going through all this stuff and it affects my little ones..but at least im working on it and not running from it. My mom ran from it (im positive she had ptsd) and that effected me greatly and i dont ever want my kids to see or feel that

And even though i have some anger and things to go through..i can also understand why my mom didnt get help and why a lot of people dont..or people that wind up drinking or drugs..this is not easy stuff. Im definitely more compassionate and understanding now going through all this out of control over the top ptsd...

 

[scout86]

Im definitely more compassionate and understanding now

I think that's HUGE.

The rest of what you said, though, I can see what you mean. I've never really experienced the kind of agoraphobic variations of PTSD. That WOULD be hard. You sound like you care so much (which is Way cool!) that I suspect you'll find ways to manage. It strikes me as being important that they learn that your fears come from your own issues so that they don't feel they have to take them on as THEIR fears.

It's kind of funny. It occurs to me now that a positive aspect of not having had a relationship with my mom is that I didn't pick up, much, on her fears. She's a very fearful and anxious person. And lives a very limited life that has gotten more that way as time passes. I might be a bit hyper-vigilant, but I'm a little more on the "thrill seeking" end of the spectrum. I'm glad she didn't pass along her response to fear.

 

[illusionist]

I would have told myself to get help, if I had known, before I brought my kids into the world. I sailed through the years of being a mum. At the age of 13 my daughter told me something, her dark secret, and it brought out in me , my own past...a very crucial age for her to keep having the mum she knew...I failed her.
When I was at counceling, on conversation about bringing up my kids the councillor asked " how did you know all that? How did you know the right way?" ....I said I followed my heart and did the opposite of what I'd had done to me. There was my failure as a mum....I had the belief that I could protect them from all the ills of the world, as much as I kept them under my watchful eye...there were times I couldnt...realistically...obvious to me now but didn't see that at the time. I just couldn't let it lay if I could see my kids were bothered by something..I had to resolve it...even the tiniest of things. I unintentionally smothered them.

 

[Ronin]

Younger me's '... whenever you think of running free... GO, and go farther, don't stop just because you can'. Also: 'if it looks like a bad idea... it totally is.' And 'When people tell you you need to heal yourself, they know what they say and why, and no, you don't know better.' Thinking of, that line about healing is still rather applicable.