What age did you consider yourself to be a child?

[Deleted member 37085]

But I do think that even without DID, a lot of people with traumatic childhoods, or people who essentially never got a chance to be a child, probably have a very similar part of their psyche that is still a child and still needing to experience a childhood of sorts.

Yes @Ragdoll Circus...due to the pervasive sexual, verbal, and physical abuse from perps starting in childhood on up...I never got the chance to be a child, a little girl. "Feel" like a child most of the time now...yet trying to find (establish) my adult...and parent side of myself is dead, dead, dead...(was horrified to have children of my own so neither me nor either sister (bio or half) had any children)...I cry a lot these days reeling from knowing how psychologically eviscerated and crippled perps caused me to become...then I existed in this state...numb, frozen in time for decades, and unable to play, relax, enjoy a baby bird, enjoy anything without adding some chemical(s) alcohol, cigs, food (copious), people, places and things to the mix...trying (and failed) to make me "feel" better. Thank you for this thread @Junebug! (Hugs!)

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you I relate to all. @ladee everything but the last paragraph. Yes @hodge did not learn how or why to care for myself. Yes @Ninja @hodge @Links @JadesJewel @Ragdoll Circus , but my role was from birth to 5, 5 to death of dad (14), 14 onward. Sad, @Links I understand the feeling of- loss?.

Hugs to all. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[GWhizz]

I am just now reading this thread. I saw the question when you first posted and the level of anxiety I fe...

Wow your post really resonates with me. I can relate in a lot of ways. The wife role and leaving home at 15 myself. It's definitely anxiety provoking in itself just acknowledging the burden that we carried as "kids".

Big hugs

 

[Teamwork]

I was twelve when I left home. My mom was able to have me put on the adult psych floor because there was no place else for kids to go at that time. I stayed there about six months before getting transferred out of town to an adolescent unit. I never returned home and if I wasn't already grown up I learned a hell of a lot about life at twelve.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes you know, I just came here- after hearing good things, how we should invest in ourselves, care for ourselves, even for 'being-capable-of-taking-care-of-others-sake'. But feeling lousy too, hearing 'do you know how awful must it feel to live without family, friends, purpose..' (yes, most minutes of everyday.. )

But I was thinking, is this choice, what to focus on? And I thought, how'd I go from so happy- tons odf 'wee' birds around, thought they were butterflies- a beautiful happy song..?

Then I came here and read @GWhizz 's. And I remembered seeingf a tall man that looked like my father younger, bout my age now- holding the hand of a little girl in a pink(?) dress, he did a double-take too- my staring?-Idk. I realize 'that' was it-

It's definitely anxiety provoking in itself just acknowledging the burden that we carried as "kids".

I think maybe it's not not having a childhood- it's the wife role, and all the rest..

I feel like I have to get a grip on this, and soon, or one day I'm going to kill myself with not being able to deal/ cope/ understand- whatever the word is?- with it.

I'm sorry, even my hands are shaking. I've got to get to work.

Thank you all, xox.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

or one day I'm going to kill myself with not being able to deal/ cope/ understand-

Oh No, @Junebug I so pray not...no...that you will at the start of any S/I call your therapist and also come into forum and will talk about S/I before ever doing anything to harm yourself. For I meant it when I said I love you...and so many forum members love you too. I know that another's love cannot save us...but it sure can put a lot of wind beneath our wings....When you feel low and sad and feel like giving up for good, I do pray you will come here into forum and talk about this and also in therapy and also with a friend(s) where you live...I so care about you @Junebug :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[GWhizz]

Yes you know, I just came here- after hearing good things, how we should invest in ourselves, care for o...

I know that defeated feeling, that we'll never get to grips with it. But here you are talking about it, engaging all of us and helping us grow in our journeys. It's all a process. Some parts pull us back more than others which help us onwards. You have given me great insight into myself. I admire your sheer strength. That resilience that carried you through will hold strong. Don't ever give up on yourself or your little self that still needs expressing and nurturing. We're all here to help you along the way as you've helped so many of us before. And I hope that you may reach out to your T also.

Big hugs :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @JadesJewel and @GWhizz , for your kind and generous words and support, though I don't deserve them. :notworthy:

Yes @GWhizz defeated is certainly the word to describe the feeling, and maybe the process of 2 steps forward, 1 back. <sigh>. I'm sorry because I normally don't talk like that, I guess the truth just fell out, but I suppose it is at least good in so far as recognizing it myself, even if I hve no idea what to do with it.

You are so very sweet and kind and I hope I can be there for you as you have been for me. :notworthy: :hug::hug: Xox

 

[Tinyflame]

I suppose we all can only give for the most part what we ourselves have been given first; parents etc who never knew of or experienced validation, healthy expression etc, would not know how as we have the opportunity and focus or encouragement to do today. And if they grew up living desperate lives +/or desperate times they likely lived that reality through us in ways they never realized. And there was not much info like now to encourage self-reflection, self-expression, or even managing things like ptsd.

Not that I mean that as an excuse so much as it wasn't even on most of society's radar. Like my dad was like 'PTSD with no realization and white-knuckling management' (and lots of his own self-criticism).

 

[GWhizz]

Thank you @JadesJewel and @GWhizz , for your kind and generous wor...

What do you mean by you not deserving, of course you do! I'm glad that you let it out like you did. Keeping it pent up to yourself is potentially more harmful. Every seemingly tiny thing we process takes more of a toll than I think we allow ourselves the credit for. We soldier on and go to work etc which can be a good distraction but doesn't negate the need to step back, acknowledge where we're at and what we've just started to understand more of. Please be kind to yourself. Do something nice for that little part of you, even s small payoff. Unfortunately you took on the adult role all too early, making you expert at caregiving. Now it's time to reparent that part of you that's seeking your care. I know it's easier to fit the caregiver role. But now it's time for you to be taken care of. Be that by yourself, your T, a loved/trusted friend or even us online cray-crays ;):inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @GWhizz you are a beautiful kind and sweet soul! Thank you for your words. :notworthy::hug::hug::inlove:

I suppose it's hard to understand how 2 such very good people, doing the best they could with the tools they had, could still have resulted with such harmful circumstances. :(

I did think today though, SI really equals letting people down, who invested in me or my recovery, even if I never really 'invested' in myself. :( Which is easy to say, 'well it's not letting down if I'm not holding anyone up', but I think those are thoughts influenced by the past/ the present/ myself. Hard to try to straighten the thoughts out in my head. :(

Thank you for your kindness, yes I think you are very correct about this stuff. :hug::hug: :hug:

ETA, I guess one good thing with this has been, in the past I would have considered it to be a question of emotional (dis?)regulation; now I just see it's pain.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Junebug you too are precious to me. I thank you for your bare-bones honesty re S/I; you help me to not feel like the three-headed monster that my brain lies to me and says that I am... Luv, Jade:hug: