What Am I Doing To Myself??

[Srain]

This is the 2nd time in the last month or two that I have built up some huge fear/"I'm ready to take on the BEAST!" mentality prior to therapy to the point I literally lose it just prior to my appointment only to not have my therapy appointment come through. It's like I anticipate the German Wall coming down and it does not and the aftermath is me having to clean up my mess with the one person that is my most loyal and loving partner.

I don't know. I am caught running in the other direction looking for my tdoc to help do the work for me, if she is not available then I feel in shock. I really don't want to face this stuff right now. I hate even writing this and admitting at this moment but when I've tried to write about her it's unbearable. Having my husband home right now is difficult, I want some good time with him. Is that so bad? After the blow up I put everything in a box again, no tdoc no Beast no pain right now...can I do that?? Is that so bad for a few days? I peaked at what is there and it's a loooong process that I really need to be able to go through my moods on.

I haven't gone to do anything fun in so long. I had this plan (ut ohhhhh:ninja:) to just take care of few things BEFORE he took a few days off and it has not turned out well. So I ended up in a state of derealization then blew up at having set him off somehow and his reaction set me off (yeah it was a verbal fun house here though he backed up immediately once I joined in, the crazy lady knows this territory much better :speechless:)obviously things did not go accordingly. No surprise there.

I did manage to handle the situation and get myself back on track but her cutting out at the last minute again was surprising, I get charged, blah blah blah, it actually turned out okay because my hunny and I had a great day together and I have decided to pull back and look at my expectations of therapy again.

Mostly I know it's a process. Mostly I know I must do the work. I got lost here, I got terrified here, I didn't want to do this alone. I tried to write about my mother but there's a wall of terror, not fear, complete terror! It's not like I have never talked about, wrote about, cried, screamed, cut her off about it. (Well, not all of it.) But there is something different this time I don't know what it is. When I start to write a huge cloud of tar and stench with thorns and hellish heat wants to envelope me. I don't know what it is and I sure as hell don't want to find out on my own, which is weird because I've never been afraid of that woman. I think it has to do with what I have allowed myself to let her do to me. I'm hovering at about 90lbs and that is for sure lower than my 110-120, I am not eating any less, in fact I'm eating more than usual, it's purely my body tossing the weight off. That is this woman in my head telling me I'm fat fat fat. I look in the mirror and hear her say I'm way too old for long hair so my hair has grown from horribly short to my waist, a f**k you! from the teen in me as well. I'm fighting wanting to move into the other side of the house like a stranger but to have my space....that is her!!!

Ok, that's all I can write.

Rain

 

[SimplyComplex]

What happened to the appointments?

 

[ronin47]

Thinking about what we would do in a situation prior to or after the fact and actually being physicaly in the situation itself are two very different flavors of ice cream. Give yourself credit for at least making plans to confront your deeper fears and anxieties. That's a very good sign that you're heading in the right direction. I hear determination in your voice to work hard at therapy and move ahead in your healing process. That's excellent! Don't feel so bad if you can't do all you wish you could at the time you want to do it. That's not a problem with you, that's just being normal. Everyone, even non-traumatized people, have that problem.

You don't have to go through the process alone. You've got me! How about you write down what you wish you could tell a therapist and when you're ready send it to me in a PM. That might make it easier to eventually talk about it with a T in person.

 

[Srain]

Thank you Ronin :), you are right. I do keep track of what I write about between sessions and we've discussed my expectations as well as fears - the fears usually get us off to the heart of the matter for me - and that's useful.

Simply, she has children and this the time of year around here they get sick. Being intimately familiar with this, it's only happened twice in almost a year. It isn't her cancelling, I have done so many times in the past and changing appt times is really never an issue for me, it's ME that is upsetting me. MY build up. I will have another appt next week and work it out so I can afford appts for the rest of the year. I have to say this did help me take a step back and decide for myself to relax and take a break.

Rain

 

[anni]

I don't know if this is helpful, Rain but I only stop the adrenaline wieght train myself when ( as silly as it sounds and everyone says this is incorrect-it works ) I manage to look at the boney self and say well, that's ok. Not good- dislike that since of course it's not- I don't LIKE the unhealthy part of myself which gains satisfaction from that too-quick burn off and denial of food.It's just that when I tell myself it's ok that the head lets go enough to stop making it part of all the other issues. It stops being an issue all by itself and the weight stabilizes back to where my hips don't ache when I roll over on my side in bed, you know? Funny but once chopped off all my hair also on the grounds of age, then looked around at all the other middle aged females with chopped off hair and thought well whose rule was that? It's back to almost waist length-wear it up a lot, figure if a bun was good enough for my Nana it'll work for me. My destructive voices are someone else's, not my mother's. It's tougher I know if they come from childhood-must take longer and are scarier to get to. The 'what we allowed them to do to us' thing must be the same- you hear that a lot here, don't you?

It seems very healthy to know what not to tackle by yourself, and that a lot of what we go through is as 'normal' as anything could be with this. Be as kind to yourself as you know how, that's all-it's a line somewhere, between pushing through some block in therapy to achieve healing and possibly retraumatizing by pushing too hard, I think. Yes, stepping back and taking a break sounds like one of the kind moments- for what an opinion might be worth.

I hope today is better, with maybe a milkshake in it. That works, by the way. :)

 

[Srain]

You know Sister, the saying that long hair has to go is BS, I'm not doing cutting it :cautious:, I'm glad you pointed that out. I had a lovely great aunt that had long beautiful raven and white hair, I loved it. She wore hers up most of the time but I always imagined it down :) She was slender and used a cane and my father's nasty mother use rattle on about it but I thought she was wonderful. We hardly saw them, we hardly saw any family, but she was one I really enjoyed.

Hair stays, I'm resting and I so appreciate the feedback, thank you very much for reading my craziness and getting what I was saying ;).

Rain

 

[anthony]

This is the 2nd time in the last month or two that I have built up some huge fear/"I'm ready to take on the BEAST!" mentality prior to therapy to the point I literally lose it just prior to my appointment only to not have my therapy appointment come through.

Are you building up a list of difficult topics to discuss in the session, which is causing this fear to attend? Or are you saying your therapist cancels your appointment?

 

[Reclusive]

I understand - I have to psych myself up, too. I've had ts cancel on me a few times and it really ticks me off. It's okay with a notice - like if they call in the morning or something, but in the afternoon it's really not okay for me since it takes so much out of me to get ready to go out. It's nice that you're so understanding of your t, though.

 

[Srain]

Anthony, my therapist has only cancelled on me twice but this has been in the last few months. Let me say that my husband has been ill and oddly I got the bug from his pretty bad starting night before last so I really get it when it comes to children. Let me explain just a little, shortly before her kids were out of school she let me know that our 2 meetings a week would be interrupted due to school being let out, I understand this as I have a DIL and SIL who are deeply devoted to being mothers. It's something I admire and I have no problem with that. My issue is not with her, it's with me.

I have built up my expectations with I think SHOULD happen in therapy during my next appointment due to the symptoms I'm having what we have recently been discussing. Does this make sense?

Recluse, she always calls me in the morning so I have no problem with that. I get that children can get sick in the middle of the night or wake up ill, it's happened to me. Besides, I'm not the kind of person that doesn't have a plan B,C,D, etc.

Rain

 

[anni]

Don't mean to divert the flow you guys have going, so skip over this, please after the intermission here. I had help with the hair thing, too. Remember being a teeny little girl, watching my grgrandmother, my Nana pinning hers up. She was probably late 80's then, was one of those women who never really went gray, just some streaks-mostly auburn down to her backside. She'd stand and pin it up with those open ended pins without really looking, you know? My sister chopped hers all off in her 40's, got pissy with me a few years ago for not, saying I'm holding on to trying to look young so silly. She's also completely out of her mind so.... . Yep- someone show me the rules because it's staying.Of course, so is the blond dye until there's a rule for that too. Blond hair makes a tidy bun also.

 

[The Albatross]

Rain ... part of avoidance is comfort in status quo... even an messed up status quo. During the times when I start getting the most anxiety... most often I find that if I am willing to push past the anxiety and do it anyway... I am readying for an improvement somewhere. For me, the fear of change can loom larger than the discomfort I know so well already. But I'm learning if I push myself past the freak out, use the grounding techniques and stress reductions stuff. Make a conscious decision and change my pattern even though it is uncomfortable as hell... I can get through it and thigs do change.

The weight thing, though is a flag. You say you are eating more. Are you exercising? Muscle is heavier that fat. If you are taking steps to maintain your weight and still losing... please see your doctor.

 

[Srain]

Good point Albatross, I will. This is not unusual when I'm hyped up with ultra anxiety but I will. I'm due for my regular blood work again anyway. I appreciate the reminder, I should have remembered this but forgot as my weight goes up and down and I've been so upset.