What Am I Supposed To Feel About This???!!

[mamachick]

Compliance with family patterns to not make for happy people.

 

[doglover]

Thanks everybody.

jka37, thank you for letting me know I am heard. That means a lot!

maddog, your list of points makes sense to me, especially about sharing my emotions. It's hard to do that. Plus several of my friends have projected this idealistic sense onto me due to my career. I'm human, imperfect, with feelings and crises too. If or when this becomes even bigger or more confirmed, I will act on your advice to share with others.

wife of, how I wish I could say it was a functional family. Far from it. I don't know if I will mourn for her when she passes, to be frank. There's positives in my memory but they are few and far between.

brat, I like what you said about feeling feelings instead of analyzing. Right now I just feel confused. Pushed into fulfilling a role. I have so much resentment in this relationship. The change of seasons has zapped my energy a bit. I just want to crawl under the covers. My sister is quick to rearrange her future plans based on news about the possibility of something.

ClairBear, thank you for the tip about discussing this with the MD. The possible diagnosis is MS but the details surrounding it are a bit strange to me. Like a doc asking about a symptom, her denying then saying to her GP oh yes you know I've complained of that here. GP even said he wanted the specialist to make the diagnosis, not him.

I wish she'd try to meet her human needs in more direct and emotionally honest ways instead of tinkering with lives, which is how it feels right now while I wait for something official.

Lionheart, I'm taking your advice, and the advice of others who suggest to wait until I know more. If this is real I will find out soon enough. If it isn't, then I won't have wasted my emotional energy on it.

Zipperhead, thank you for reminding me that I make the relationship on my terms whether she is sick or not. I was so well-trained to be guilted into things, and being sick in this family creates tons of expectations. I feel like she sent my sister at me to force my hand. I wish we could resolve things like adults but I don't think she is capable of it.

So now, I think I will wait until things become more official. I also think I will not call her today, even though this seems meant to push that. I'd rather not play this dumb game. If it is a game. And if it isn't, well, she's played them so long, so many times, that I think I am above reproach if I thought this was just another game.

 

[Fernbrake]

Hi Doglover. If it comes to this, maybe you could take a different approach. Instead of making memories, you may want to share your thoughts. I lost an aunt who was like a mother to me. I had many dreams about her after, knowing I didn't get to tell her how I felt before she passed. I feel you should put yourself first. Best of luck to you.

 

[doglover]

Update. Called her. At ClairBear's suggestion I asked for permission to speak to the doc myself. She wants to wait for that decision until there's a diagnosis... fishy. I even said it would be a way to help me manage my anxiety, thinking she might go along with it if it's meant as a sign of caring for her. Her response to that, oh I find that kind of funny, since you don't do things to help me manage my own anxiety. Kind of a stinky guilt-trip attempt, there.

But in the meantime, she tells me they found lesions on her brain on an MRI. I'm so incredibly conflicted.

One part scared due to the learned helplessness, the sense in me she created to feel like I can't do life and like I must rely on her expertise for information related to life skills.

One part hopes she passes sooner than later so I don't have to deal with the intense conflict in feelings I have about her and the relationship. In some ways I feel I'll make more progress on my healing once she passes, because right now as long as I continue to allow her in my life in any capacity, I'm not sure I'll tell myself I'm safe enough, deeply enough, to access very much.

One part scared at the very real possibility that this will change my family dynamics in unpalatable ways. I am terrified of abandonment by males but my relationship with females is one based on being at the bottom of a power struggle constantly.

And one part of me is sick at the histrionics, the getting doted on by my more dependent sister, the way she has her hand in everything and the way I inherited some of her disgusting personality traits unless I watch myself.

Mentioned the specific medical details to coworkers. They gave pat answers, in large part. I'm annoyed at how much more they responded to another coworker whose family member got ill. Granted that was a sudden thing, more dramatic. I hope that means they would have done the same for me in the same situation. I have to fight really hard to avoid thinking that the lack of more than mostly polite responses means I have created horrendous relationships with them.

Yucky day. I must do something to manage my stress. Got a regular exercise option, which I plan to act on today.

I want to thank all of you for being there with your supportive words. It means more than I can say. If we could choose our family, I'd be honored and thrilled to choose to be in a family with all of you.

 

[mamachick]

Glad you chosing that exercising option. Do good things for yourself. No matter what you do, it will not change the course of her illness.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear doglover, whether someone is ill or well, it doesn't change 'if' or 'how' you love them, or how much, or at the same time maintaining your own self-care. You can be more understanding, but none of us know the future. One step at a time.

It may be, or will, affect her emotions or behaviour, but you still have to preserve your own sanity, don't feel guilty, just do as you feel is most right.
(((((((doglover)))))))

(P.S- What I mean is, just do your best; it helps her to help yourself, too. xox)

 

[ClairBear226]

Doglover, I had to learn the (really) hard way that family does not need to be dictated by biology or guilt trip. Family can be whatever support system you choose. It can include a husband, children, friends, neighbors... whoever you want. Surround yourself with people that build you up and make you feel good about yourself. That love and understand and support you for who you are. It took me awhile to really figure out what "strategic editing" was all about. But once I figured out that toxic people - no matter who they are or how they're related - don't deserve a place in my life, I was a lot healthier for it.

My relationship with my parents is a bad one. Of epic proportions. A few years back, my mother decided that in order to "repair" the relationship with my father, I'd need to see a ticking time clock. And so one RN told another that he was terminally ill. She played on the experience and vulnerability of a hospice nurse, hoping I'd stop everything, and "forgive and forget". I didn't bite. Because, well, he's done the unforgivable, and he's as dead to me as if they'd burried him twice. 6 years later, he's still very much alive.

It took me awhile to build up a support system that included people that contribute to my being healthy and loved, rather than a torn down guilted-to-death train wreck. It means being selective in who you allow into your world, and still being able to give trust to the people that deserve it. It's hard, and for someone like moi that has some hardcore trust issues, especially so. But in the end, it's worth it.

 

[maddog]

I'm with you DogLover, families need not be biological in any way whatsoever, and the best thing about the non-biological type is that you get to choose them. Somehow, there's some empowerment in that.

I'm sorry that your coworkers somehow let you down on the very normal, yet somehow significant, response you needed from them. I do think it's sad but true that for those of us who tend to be low on externalising our emotions with others, their inherent reaction towards us tends to mirror that, ie, they'll be less reactive to your problems than they would be to someone who externalised very overtly. It's a sucky price to pay for being stoic, because the stronger you are, the stronger you're expected to be.

Hope you took up that exercise option. I've just done likewise, gone for a walk with the dog I mean, which is a very low level excuse for exercise compared to my old scale, but thesedays is all I could muster. Hope it made you feel better.

MD

 

[doglover]

Thank you all for the continued support and kind, helpful words!

ClairBear, you are so right about choosing people that lift you up. I've done a bit of that, I have some great friends who accept me, I feel like I belong in several groups with nonjudgmental cultures. I have a couple of deeper friendships as well, when I get out of my way about it :rolleyes: My support system is still growing. I am still figuring out what I offer to others, since there's days where I feel like I don't offer them anything. But when I'm not letting those feelings run the show, I can see I'm developing a pretty awesome family myself.

Maddog, you have such a good point about stoicism. I don't always realize when I'm being like that. I think today I looked pretty skeered. But to a more externalizing person maybe I didn't look fazed at all. I might look strong but I'm not.

Yes ma'am, I did go and exercise. It felt good to focus on other things. Of course I got some stress-inducing thoughts bubbling under the surface once I left but I'm determined to let them go. And get a good night's sleep, even if I had to take an OTC assist to do that.

You're all so wonderful. I'm really glad I can talk to you.

Junebug, brat17, thank you for your wonderful words as well. How I feel is how I feel regardless of what might be going on in her life. All the ways I've felt like my life didn't matter to her, and yes I want to dig in my heels and not allow her medical news to turn my world around. I don't think that makes me a bad person, though she'd imply so. I think that makes me a human being who is choosing to act on what feels right for me at this point in my life.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((((((doglover))))))))))