General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

and what i did to set him off.

You don't own this. You didn't do anything to cause this. You may have been the trigger -- but that's not on you. Triggers are on us. We are the one that are triggered, and it's up to us to control how we react to them. It could have been anything that set him off and you were collateral damage - which is so very sad.

I feel so helpless and sad and angry and bitter that this man i love so much could hurt me this way and not bat an eye.

I'm so sorry you are going through this....

 

[jandk5721]

You don't own this. You didn't do anything to cause this. You may have been the trigger -- but that's no...

Im told its not personal but it feels very personal. I feel angry at him for not getting help but also blame myself for missing the signs that were all there. I got too busy helping my parents get their rental properties back up and being with mom for cancer treatments.

People think I'm crazy because i want this man back in my life. I married him with ptsd. At the time i didnt know the gravity of it. All i knew was this man standing in front of me seemed perfectly normal. I have been through now 3 episodes with him. The first i call the mild one. I didnt understand what was happening but he quit smoking cigs and weed which he smoked heavily. Just put them down one day. He started eating like a bird and became under weight. Then had a week where he was clingy. Totally out of character for him. It ended with him inspecting every part of my body. The next day he woke and doesnt remember any of it. The next started the same ge started eating like a bird and losing weight. Went on fb, which he never does, and long rants about his military career, every VA he's been to. Started taking pics of the pics in the house and posting them. I asked what was going on all he could say was he needed to be a VA advocate.

The night before the final straw i went to bed and he said he would be there in a few. I woke and he still wasn't there so went to the living room which was blackout dark turned on a light and seen blankets on the windows. I then looked around and seen my husband sitting on the floor by the back door with gun in his pocket and a completely blank stare. He said someone was outside. I tried to get him to bed but all he wanted was to tell me the same stories about the army and VA that he posted and told me at least a dozen times over the past week. I finally got him to lay down for couple hours. When he got up he seemed perfectly normal. I had to go do a notary signing but his sister was there and again he seemed normal. He kissed me told me he loved me and i left.

I returned to him throwing his stuff in his truck. I blocked the truck and asked what was going on. He said i have to get this to storage i asked why and he said i just do so the VA will help me. I told him i don't understand and tried to touch him. He pulled away and yelled for me not to touch him that he was leaving and filing for divorce. Im just dumbfounded at this point and still not understanding whats happening.

His sister said when i left he unplugged all electronics and turned off circuit breakers because i was watching him. He walked off through the woods now looking like someone beat him. Kept falling. I called police and a vet friend who found him. After that he wanted me to let him come home but i thought it better he stay with our friend. He wanted me to visit him. Started crying telling me he loves me asking me to marry him again. I was so confused and still didn't really know what was happening.

I finally brought him back home and the next day he was normal again or so i thought. Now looking back he gets manic and likes to spend money likes to see people and that lasted about a week. I married this man for better or worse and would love nothing better than to find him and bring him home and figure this out together.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm not a psychologist but what you describe doesn't sound like PTSD to me. ^^^

 

[jandk5721]

I'm not a psychologist but what you describe doesn't sound like PTSD to me. ^^^

He has been diagnosed with PTSD but refuses treatment. The therapists do believe it's combined with either bipolar, psychosis, or paranoid schizophrenia.

 

[Freida]

Im told its not personal but it feels very personal.

yes! I don't want to discount how you feel --- just trying to help you with understanding you are not the reason he is acting like this

People think I'm crazy because i want this man back in my life.

naw - not crazy. You love him. You are just up against a bitch of a disease that has taken over his life.

I wonder if he could be bi-polar on top of ptsd? I have a friend who reacts a bit like this. I'm a classic runner so tossing my bag into the car and taking off makes perfect sense to me. But that doesn't connect with some of the more manic things he's doing.

 

[jandk5721]

Thank all sufferers for sharing your experiences. It's really helpful. When my sufferer disappeared,...

Well said @sadgirl. This is exactly the cycle i have been on for the past month with my husband. I beg God all day everyday to just have him call me. Please keep him safe.

yes! I don't want to discount how you feel --- just trying to help you with understanding you are not t...

He has been diagnosed with ptsd but yes the counselors i have been talking to believe bipolar, psychosis, or paranoid schizophrenia in conjunction. I thank everyone on here supporters and sufferers alike and wish i had found this earlier maybe i could have been better prepared. I believe he is Colorado and am going to look for him. I just have no idea what to say to him or how to approach him if i find him. I just want my husband back. I just want to hold him and tell him how much i love him.

 

[joeylittle]

jandk5721 - you are more than welcome to keep posting as a guest, but if you think you might be staying aound awhile, consider becoming a member. As a guest poster, all your posts go through moderation before they post. As a member, they will post immediately.

 

[Justme5721]

jandk5721 - you are more than welcome to keep posting as a guest, but if you think you might be stay...

Thank you. I just signed up because I love the support here.

I've answered quite a few questions recently about why people with PTSD ghost and I thought this might b...

I dont know if this is an appropriate question so if that's the case just say so. Im just trying to learn all i can. When you ghost and are gone for long periods of time what are you doing?

 

[Justme5721]

crap crap crap crap crap!!!!

air raid sirens are going off again. Is this a drill or real? wont know...

@Freida this brought tears to my eyes. This opened my eyes and makes me hurt for not only my husband but for all the sufferers. I am so sorry you have to go through that on a daily basis.

Very much off topic... talking about the topic everybody else talked about like three pages ago......

That's how my husband is. He has to have full tank and if he needs new breaks which do go out he acts like the car is a piece of crap with nothing but problems. Same with an oil change. I never knew this was part of the ptsd and would be like what are you talking about its just an oil change, no we dont need a new car.

 

[LuckiLee]

My guy had a major meltdown on Tuesday because the air vent in the car somehow twisted the wrong way and was stuck....he put me in a panic attack. Sheesh! ;)

 

[Freida]

When you ghost and are gone for long periods of time what are you doing?

LOL - now or back in the day??
Once I got on a train in LA instead of going home and got off in Denver, stayed for a year. Wasn't married then but didn't really tell anyone what I was doing. Mostly because I didn't know and didn't care about who I was leaving behind. I was to busy trying to escape my brain. The immediate plan was to visit a friend....it turned into a long visit. I got a job, had a life, then one day I got annoyed there so I reversed the process and came back home.

Once hubby and I got together the amount of time I was physically gone shortened. One day I told him I was leaving and I didn't know if I was coming back or not. I landed at a spa, spent WAY to much money we didn't have and basically cut off contact with the world for 5 days. I came home long enough to get my stuff and leave for wherever - still not sure how he got me to stay.
I used to be notorious for getting in the car and just leaving, but I usually came home within a day or two.
Went to Nepal but that one only sort of counts because I took time to plan it. Didn't plan on coming back - but I did.
When I took off for Thailand hubby decided to come to make sure I came home
Want to go to England right now but it's manageable. If the need to ghost gets bad I'll go. And nope -- won't even think about him

So what was I doing during all these? Trying to outrun my demons. If I can just shove enough interesting things into my head they will shut the hell up. And no -- I don't think about the people around me....at all. Really -- it's that simple -- it's all about shutting up the demons. They get so loud that they suck the world away and leave me in total fight/flight mode. Until I can shut them up NOTHING matters. It's like the air raid sirens --- always there and way to loud.

Now I mostly ghost at home. Hubby says it's like I'm a zombie. I can respond but I'm not engaged. It's different than isolation - because isolation just means I need to be left alone. Ghosting = you (the supporter) no longer exist. I just don't see you even if you are sitting right next to me. It has taken us a long time to get me to stay here instead of taking off but I still fight the need....a lot. There are days when keeping myself from bailing takes up my entire therapy session. He admitted to me a couple years ago that until we had been together about 10 years he never knew if I would be there when he got home at night. It breaks my heart, but ... I still have a go bag packed with everything from clothes to resumes. I can be out of the house within 30 minutes and off to start a new life at any time. Because that may be what the demons require.

 

[Justme5721]

LOL - now or back in the day??
Once I got on a train in LA instead of going home and got off in Denver...

All i can say is WOW and thanka for sharing. So if I find him how do I approach him? What should i say or not say?