General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

We’re on something of a planned isolation for the week with minimal to no contact.

oh @Hojay I'm so very sorry. Hopefully a bit of a break is just what he needs to get his head together and remember why he wants to be part of your world.

I don't know if this helps - but I just got told AGAIN by my T that I need to complain more to my supporters. Hubby has told me repeatedly that I complain more about worrying about complaining more than I do just complaining (yea - say that 3 times fast) and my sisters have made some pretty pointed comments about it too recently. I've even been called out on it on this forum more than once. Hubby nailed me again last week about not sharing with sisters. He thinks I should tell them the story of the terrorist, because that is the most simple one I have and I'm pretty ok with it now in my own head. (yeah emdr!!) But where do I start? What do I say? and more importantly, what questions will they have that I can't answer because they trigger me into oblivion?

I want to understand - truly - but I just. don't. get. it. Complain?? Why?
I think these are some of my cognitive distortions.. (if they are yeah! my homework for the week is done!)
No one wants to listen to me bitch and whine about shit that happened forever ago -- because there is nothing they can do to fix it. Then they get all upset and hurt and feel all "ooohhhh it upsets me so much that I can't help you" and I end up having to help them try to feel better and I can't and then next thing you know were are on the hamster wheel from hell and I'm freaking out and running.

I can't tell them what happened because then that would be the picture of me that they see in their head for all eternity. That would be damn hard for them to cope with and then I'm supposed to help them because they are upset and that's what you do in a relationship when you upset someone. You have to help them. Right? But I can't.

They will look at me with pity if I try to talk about how I really feel and why. And I'll put a bullet in my brain before that happens.

I can't handle my own reactions to stuff. How do I handle theirs? Which, to add to the fun - will be huge triggers to me because I'm going to assume they are lying to me about how they feel (and no - I don't know about what.)

I don't know what words to use to tell them what is in my head. I love them, but the thought of trying to translate my dramas and traumas into words they can understand? I don't even know where to start.

So in my feeble little brain trying to talk to those around me always leaves me having to do a shit ton of work to make sure they are ok. And I just don't have the emotional capacity to do that. So it's easier not to say anything. Until it's not.

@jc787 - yep. Sometimes it seems to me that their lives would be so very much better if they moved on and found someone less....complicated. And sorry -- I have no idea what you should do next because how ptsd manifests is different in each of us.

 

[OrangeJulius]

@Freida Maybe this will help.

Give them parameters before you tell them. "I want to share something with you. I haven't shared this with you before because I can't deal with however you are going to react to it. I am going to share it with you but I don't want to hear anything about it ever again unless I bring it up. But I have come to realize that its important for you to know part of the reason I am the way I am and I know that I can trust that you won't share this story with anybody else. After I tell you I am going to walk away/go back home/whatever."

Or whatever version of something similar works for you. Even without PTSD this is what I do. I was sexually harassed by an instructor at school and I didn't want to tell my mom because I couldn't deal with her....but I felt guilty not sharing because I was absolutely acting different for a while there. I ended up telling her with a very similar disclaimer and gave her a designated time the next week that she was allowed to ask me if I was ready to answer any questions and she had to respect whatever my answer was. And she did.

That was minor. I imagine it would be much more diffcult sharing a much bigger story. So taking control ahead of time and communicating your expectations is helpful.

Now, from the supporter perspective......

My honey has shared a good amount with me. I used to think I knew it all and more and more has come out over the years. After hearing what I've already heard......I can only imagine what I haven't heard.

He has explicitly told me things here and there over the years about not wanting me to be scared of him, that if I actually knew him I wouldn't love, that he wasn't planning on telling me x, y, or z because he didn't want me to look at him differently. I assume he didn't want me to see him as weak or foolish or *insert other negative adjective here* . But let me assure you, from the supporter side....that is not what happens...AT ALL.

This past December he shared with me something that he said he's never told anybody before. Decembers are ALWAYS hard. After he could breathe a little again after weeks of isolating he apologized to me for being a crappy boyfriend. After reading about anniversaries on this site I was curious if he had an anniversary in December. So I said he didn't have to answer, and a yes/no is all I wanted, but did something bad happen to him in December. And surprisingly he not only said yes but told me what happened and that I was the only person that ever walked on planet Earth that he told.

And what he told me was shocking to say the least. And I had no idea what to say. But I asked if there was anything else he wanted to say about it. He said no. I said ok. And that was that.

But WHAT he shared with me made SO MANY things MAKE SENSE. He didn't say it but I know he hadn't told anybody because he didn't want them seeing him differently (especially me). I could tell he blames himself for not being better (which is absurd).

Overall, I look at him exactly the same. I treat him the same. I make the same dark jokes with him. And in those moments that I remember what he told me that day....yes, I do look at him a little differently...but in a "wow...you've been through so much and you're still here and you're doing this well. you're not throwing your life away on drugs like most people would in your shoes." I feel luckier to know such a strong man.

Sorry I'm long-winded but my point is this: set parameters and tell them. It sounds like you trust them enough for them to know which tells me that it can only help your guys' relationship when they understand where you come from a little more. As you get more comfortable "complaining" to them (because that's actually refreshing to hear! It gives me reference where the 'tude is coming from!) its much easier to stay calm and support you knowing where you are coming from and what reactions to certain things you might have. They already love you enough to have kept you around this long. I can only see this going better for you (if you set parameters before you say anything and they agree). Also, if you can, throw them a bone and give them permission to discuss it with each other. Then they can deal with each other's emotions about it and you don't have to deal with either of them and everyone can move on. I didn't have anybody I could react with and that was hard. Do-able, but hard.

Ok. I'll stop now.

 

[Freida]

@OrangeJulius
wow. that was... I'm gonna go with profound.
I am truly speechless (in a good way.) yea - me - speechless!
That's a lot to absorb because it pretty much contradicts everything in my head. :banghead:
I need to think about it a bit.....

 

[ILoveLife]

Thanks for that post @OrangeJulius

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @OrangeJulius can you please come and look after me? :hug:

 

[LuckiLee]

I agree with O.J.. It also depends if you've shared anything with them before?? Maybe hubby could have the initial conversation with them? He can let them know what you want to share and why. And also what YOU expect in return. That will take a load off of you And hubby will be happy to do it. You know my guy shares alot with me but it wasn't always like that. He gradually shares more and more. And I just listen. He doesn't want feedback he just "wants me to know why he thinks and acts the way he does" . If I know your sisters? They'll respect your boundaries and thank you for trusting them and sharing with them. Good luck my friend! Love ya. XO

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm not even sure where to start right now. @Freida, I started reading this thread last year when you started it. I was actually surprised when I was re-reading the whole thing this year that I hadn't posted more. I guess I thought I did, but must only have in my head. There are so many moving parts to this. Of course, my S/O goes in and out of isolating, and we've been doing this for years and years. Most of the time it's just isolation, sometimes it's "break up" talk, because "I deserve more than he can give" etc. I know a LOT about some of the things he's been through, and I'm not too naive to know there's things he hasn't told anyone possibly.

I suppose what I want to say is thank you. I actually am on both sides of the coin. I also have PTSD, but mine manifest sooooo much differently than his. His seems, for the most part, to mimic yours and a couple other poster's on this thread quite well. It's almost frightening. I wish he would read this. Now that I've gone through it again, I actually see even more than before.

I'm struggling myself while he's going through his October anniversary time. I wish he was at more of a point that he was embracing it as you are, instead of telling me I was crazy when I mentioned it was coming, and I was seeing the signs. I begged him, in fact, to plan some time alone. I offered to take his son for a bit, so he could have complete freedom if he needed. I was hoping that since he just re-started therapy, that maybe, just maybe he would be willing to believe me. Anyway....he's really pushing pretty hard this time, all the while telling me how proud he is of me, and the efforts I made this year towards my own treatment and EMDR.

It stinks to have someone tell you how amazing you are, and force you to leave for protection. But if he needs it, he needs it. Have you always been as aware as you are in these posts? I know he still fights owning the PTSD diagnosis pretty hard sometimes. I mean he admits it, but doesn't own it...he's always playing his symptoms off as other things. I hope that now that he's with the new T, who specializes in trauma and EMDR, that he starts to process it some. He didn't get a whole lot of what he needed at the VA. In all honesty, they didn't keep regular appointments at all. She would cancel almost as much as him. But now he's been going weekly, and I'm glad for him.

I know that I can't do it for him, and it's probably going to get worse than better. I know it did for me. I've been getting treatment on and off for 20 years....but it wasn't until the last year that I made the most progress. I guess maybe that's why this year it actually is a bit more unsettling having him gone. Because I'm faced with having to deal with things differently, I suppose. Plus this year it happened a few days after his bf from the military moved in with him after an unwanted divorce...she wanted it, he didn't. I don't find it coincidental that his words were "it's inevitable you're going to leave me because I can't meet your needs, so I might as well break up with you now so we don't have to both suffer later." I had no intentions of leaving...but now I have to give him his space.

We're still in communication, so I'm just doing my best to let it be for now. He knows I'm here, just like the last 8.5 years.

But I got sidetracked! Thank you so much for this thread. It makes me feel like I'm not making a mistake by just giving him some breathing room. It's hard to remember that when most people around you are screaming for you to leave...they think he's hurting me. Whereas it does hurt, I know it isn't intentional. I'm not sure what to do with the whole breaking up thing though....he always says it, but then talks about breaking patterns and learning new habits, including this time....why would "we" have to do that if "we're" broken up? I know that you don't have the answer to that...lol, more rhetorical than anything, I suppose.

Much of the time, your comments and insight help me tremendously. Thank you for being brave and putting yourself out there.

 

[Freida]

Thank you for being brave and putting yourself out there.

@NaeNae75 I'm so glad it has helped you! I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have ptsd and be married to a runner. Wow.
I have NO idea what I was thinking when I jumped into this thread :laugh: but I have learned so much myself from the other people - both supporters and sufferers - who have chimed in along the way so I'm really glad I did

Have you always been as aware as you are in these posts?

:roflmao: oh god no!!!! :laugh: I was totally unaware I had ptsd for decades. I even denied I had anxiety and if I did show any it was because I had a high stress job. I went into therapy for coping skills when I got taken down by fibro, and thought my T was smoking crack when she said I had ptsd. I was just a bit high strung y'know. Nothing bad had ever happened to me.

I found this site a couple years after I started therapy so I had some insight but not much. I think that's why I wanted to do this thread. To try to figure out what I was thinking...and see if others thought that too

.he's always playing his symptoms off as other things

Yep. stress at work. stress from marriage. bad 911 call makes me feel jumpy. working two jobs makes me tired and cranky. Holidays make me feel like taking off. naseua from eating too much, pain from working to much, you name it I could attach it. Even after I was diagnosed and understood the sypmtoms I still said they were from the fibro. Right up until the med people connected the two.

It makes me feel like I'm not making a mistake by just giving him some breathing room.

When I started this I had NO idea what it was like for my supporters when I pushed them away or took off or told them I was leaving. I truly thought I was doing the right thing for them because my head was exploding and they were enemies and I didn't understand why. So they were better off without me. Or I was just running -- trying to out run the flashbacks and the panic. Hubby and I have worked out a better system now -- but yes. giving me breathing room is the only way to keep me.

I think that your ability to manage your own symptoms and give him time to breathe is just amazing!

 

[blackemerald1]

hought my T was smoking crack when she said I had ptsd. I was just a bit high strung y'know. Nothing bad had ever happened to me.

^^:roflmao: :hilarious: self-diagnosis... 'highly strung!'

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75 I'm so glad it has helped you! I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have ptsd and be married to a runner. Wow.
I have NO idea what I was thinking when I jumped into this thread :laugh: but I have learned so much myself from the other people - both supporters and sufferers - who have chimed in along the way so I'm really glad I did

:roflmao: oh god no!!!! :laugh: I was totally unaware I had ptsd for decades. I even denied I had anxiety and if I did show any it was because I had a high stress job. I went into therapy for coping skills when I got taken down by fibro, and thought my T was smoking crack when she said I had ptsd. I was just a bit high strung y'know. Nothing bad had ever happened to me.

I found this site a couple years after I started therapy so I had some insight but not much. I think that's why I wanted to do this thread. To try to figure out what I was thinking...and see if others thought that too

Yep. stress at work. stress from marriage. bad 911 call makes me feel jumpy. working two jobs makes me tired and cranky. Holidays make me feel like taking off. naseua from eating too much, pain from working to much, you name it I could attach it. Even after I was diagnosed and understood the sypmtoms I still said they were from the fibro. Right up until the med people connected the two.

When I started this I had NO idea what it was like for my supporters when I pushed them away or took off or told them I was leaving. I truly thought I was doing the right thing for them because my head was exploding and they were enemies and I didn't understand why. So they were better off without me. Or I was just running -- trying to out run the flashbacks and the panic. Hubby and I have worked out a better system now -- but yes. giving me breathing room is the only way to keep me.

I think that your ability to manage your own symptoms and give him time to breathe is just amazing!

Thank you. It certainly doesn't feel so amazing right now though, lol. There's always that little nagging... is he really going to leave this time? I can never feel whether things are better or worse.

But I have to say, looking over my diary tonight, I would say better. At least on my part. I don't feel the same anger. But I didn't realize how much/ often he's been doing this. I'm starting to question which reality is real! But in all versions, we love each other.

I think the only chance we have right now is that my feelings aren't the same because of the work I've been doing. I'm still as in love, but the anger isn't as prevalent. I feel more like I wish he could feel the way I am.... more healed, ....and actually beginning to (wait for it....) like, no LOVE myself. This time I actually believe I have something to offer.

That gives me hope. You see, I don't think I've ever loved myself before. So, if it's possible for me, and I see it's possible for others in our situation, ...he has a chance!

He's finally in treatment regularly. His EMDR starts in two weeks! I think in order to survive, I have to trust him to heal and come back. I'm not going to push him away or leave, but I'm not going to chase him either.

What things has your husband done to garner your trust? I'm quite sure he trusts me... we're so close, it's scary to think how he holds my most valuable secrets. But I trust him too.

Did you ever try to break up with him or leave him in the past? Like maybe even pre-marriage? His symptoms have postponed our wedding on more than one occasion.

He's a Federal Officer with CBP, and is in the process of a medical retirement from the AF SF (so also a police officer there) after 24 years. He was a paramedic for a stint as well. Plus an abusive sociopathic ex wife. He's been through the wringer.

Even if he will never feel more whole, I love him. I don't want to change him, but I think he will feel better if he genuinely works his treatment. He deserves that.

His self diagnosis ranges from different "addictions "((formerly sexual, even though that hasn't been my experience with him), alcoholism, cigarettes, red-bull then benadryl as a sleep aid) , depression, and codependency. But he thinks that with the codependency, he's the caretaker.

#1...uh add them all together and you still get PTSD! So, you're still not going to escape that truth, no matter how hard you try.
#2...seriously, you're the caretaker? I don't think so. I'm not an addict, and I'm completely independent...so that one I don't get at all. I don't need to be saved, no matter how distorted you cognition is. If anything in this scenario, I would be the caretaker. But I don't feel that either. I don't want to change him, I don't feel like a martyr or victim, etc.
#3 PTSD is real and fits perfectly. Since you're willing to get treatment, focus on the right one. For me, I didn't start my healing until I got into the real issue...the PTSD. The rest helps, but only like a band aid for a partially severed limb...

 

[Abstract]

Since you're willing to get treatment, focus on the right one. For me, I didn't start my healing until I got into the real issue...the PTSD. The rest helps, but only like a band aid for a partially severed limb..

Totally. If that hasn't happened previously can you suggest him seeing a pdoc for a whole evaluation. You could humour him and say that way if its something else it will be found out. Correct treatment = progress.

 

[NaeNae75]

Totally. If that hasn't happened previously can you suggest him seeing a pdoc for a whole evaluation. You could humour him and say that way if its something else it will be found out. Correct treatment = progress.

If we get past this, maybe. He really likes to dismiss anything I have to say sometimes about the subject. I think when I say something, he feels like I'm judging or blaming him, I'm not. I guess I deal with this l il ke my son's asperger's or my own PTSD it just is...there's no connotation attached. It's something in our lives that needs to be dealt with.

I know he absolutely won't listen right now...in one ear and out the other. Maybe he thinks I bring stuff up to blame him or his PTSD for the "breakup" like I'm not talking him seriously. Or that I'm making excuses to hold on when he told me to leave, and I'm not "doing what I am told".

Well, I do believe him. I believe he believes there are bigger problems than I think there are. I believe it's not worth separating myself until we really are. We talk almost every day. We have plans with the kids...that's not how breakups work. Now, I'm not saying we're together either.
I guess what we are needs it's own category...the situation (like most things in life) isn't black and white, there's lots of shading and layers.
But he has a hard time with that.

He's not willing to think about anything other than "his version " of reality right now. I suppose nothing else, including the truth is safe to him right now. So if I show truth when he's like this, or share articles or whatever, I don't think it's really received...maybe at a later date if at all.

Do you guys see those things, or feel shifts in your "realities"? Are you ever willing to admit them? I think the only thing I can do is be safe and hope he reconnects. But in order to do that, I have to be a place he can connect back too.