General What are they thinking?

[AllConfused]

@LovingH I’m sorry for your pain. What I can say from my experience is, be grateful he gave you a goodbye. I read your other thread and saw the goodbye message he sent you. I wish I received one from my guy like that, at least the end is clear.

 

[Freida]

I hate that you have so much pain. It is so awful to see. So I'm not going to make excuses for their behavior....but maybe a couple thoughts that I hope make it easier...

. I wish I could turn my feelings off like a switch.

No. You dont. Because it's not quite that easy. I make it look easy but the lead up to that point is horrific. I'm usually suicidal, afraid I'm a danger to those around me, in horrible physical pain and have no idea how I'm going to make it thru the next hour without imploding into nothingness. And I do it all with a smile on my face and a "I'm just fine" attitude.

Part of that comes from my particular trauma....the ability to pretend I was fine even though I was badly injured and traumatized saved my life. So when I start to get overwhelmed that's how I feel. If I can't fake it im going to die. Not drama die. Actually die. The only way to stay alive is to shut down completely. There is NO other choice. At that point the people around me are just collateral damage. Eventually I wake back up to the world and I have no idea where everyone went. They are just gone. Which proves to me I did the right thing b y shutting down in the first place. It's a self fulfilling prophecy

She stopped caring, without any kind of impetus for it.

Something set it in motion. Chances are it had nothing to do with you. But something horrible set it in motion. A trigger, a memory, an anniversary, something. I shut down every year for the majority of the month of January and for decades I had no idea why. Now I know, but it doesn't make it stop. It just makes it explainable

The most shocking thing for me when I first came here was hearing about how painful that is for supporters. I had NO idea they were affected by it. Because I am gone. Not necessarily physically but emotionally ....GONE.
it doesn't matter how much I love someone...they just cease to exist. Because I am in a nightmare that doesn't end and every ounce of my energy goes to just remaining functional, so I don't get fired from my job or lose my home or crash my car. And yep, to look at me you would have no idea there is a problem

I know it looks like a choice we are making, and sometimes I think we believe it is. But it's not. It's a survival instinct.

It has taken me years of therapy just to understand what is happening when I shut down and I still can't stop it. Those who have been in my life for years know it happens and accept that it's not about them. But new people? Nope. They usually need more answers than I can give.

Again, I'm not trying to make excuses. I just want to offer that it's not always like it appears. It's not the luxury of deciding not to care. It's a nightmare taking away the ability.

 

[Never_falter2]

I’m responsible for enough people’s deaths / I don’t like killing people on accident. Understatement.

I am very sorry. I hope that I do not say the wrong thing here but you just do not kill people on accident on civvy street. It just doesn’t happen. How do you exactly think that it will happen?

I know that my vets theories how it would happen are quite absurd like: “I be infected with a germ and if I do not wash my hands the right way I will cause an epidemic“, yes and he is also afraid of them committing suicide because of him...

But he is often able totale a step back, look at his theory and see this is all bullshit. I sometimes tell him: “Try to look at this that way: If you wanted to cause an epidemic and never ever washed your hands in your whole life... never ever... and touched the trash and other dirty things 24/7... would you be able to start one? Most likely not because deadly germs in the trash are rare.“

He touched the trash in therapy. Yep, his therapist is a bit cruel. Nothing happened. No epidemic.

 

[WTF Happened]

Thanks for being so open about what you've gone through, @Freida. I'm sure anyone in your life who got left behind while you were living your nightmare would appreciate hearing this from you as well.

 

[Freida]

@Freida. I'm sure anyone in your life who got left behind while you were living your nightmare would appreciate hearing this from you as well.

wow. Ok. so. I read your response and actually had to walk away because my immediate response stunned me. Then I came back, re-read it and yep. it's stuck.

so here's some ptsd logic for ya! My immediate thought was.... wait for it.....

Snort -- ya, like i would reach out to any of them. The asshats dumped me when I was most vulnerable and needed them the most.

Ok - even I can see the...humor? in that. yep. I'm annoyed with them because I pushed them all away, didn't want them around, totally shut down on them and somehow it's their fault. And my brain is so messed up that even writing that down and SEEING how ridiculous it sounds doesn't change it.

Ya -- couldn't have found a better example of how ptsd screws with my brain than that one. :banghead:

Welcome to my world! :laugh:

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm kinda irked by that comment too Freida.

Did any of them reach out to you after they/you bailed? What are you gonna say? "Sorry MY trauma was too much for you to handle?"

J's ex wives don't have anything to do with him. They couldn't care less if he hurt himself or not. They were horrible to him. Why would he reach out to them when they left him when he was in such a bad place? Untreated ptsd is f#cking ugly.

People don't understand just how serious PTS is. One little Google search can explain alot.

If someone I know has PTSD and they seem to have everything together on the outside. I know on the inside every thing isn't so hunky dory. And they are working their ass of to look "normal". That has got to be its own hell.

 

[WTF Happened]

It really sucks that you guys were bailed on my some people who didn't take the time to learn about PTSD or just lacked the compassion to love you through the bad times.

I was moreso thinking about past partners/friends who were making an effort, who were being loving and kind, and got pushed away anyway. I understand if my post made you think about people who didn't make the effort, you might scoff and think why the f*ck is this guy suggesting I reach out to those assholes.

Obviously, I'm doing my own projecting here as well :)

 

[Freida]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this tonight and it's kind of ugly.

Did any of them reach out to you after they/you bailed? What are you gonna say? "Sorry MY trauma was too much for you to handle?"

Nope. Once I pull the trigger I never hear from them again - and I don't want to. Not saying that with an attitude. Just stating a fact. My guess would be that by that point I've become too much to handle so they are relieved that I've gone. I do have some people in my life who have stuck it out but they have been around for decades and they know not to ask questions when I back up from them and from the world. They might send the occasional "how ya doing" text but never bug me to talk until I'm ready to -- and they NEVER talk relationship crap until I'm back and healthy. Because they know I have to concentrate on grounding myself. The effort they make is in understanding how I think and what I need and letting me have it even if they don't get it.

Think of it like having a horrible case of the flu and someone is blah blah blahing at you about where you stand in the relationship and do you love them and why aren't you talking and why won't you just send a text and just hammering you with questions about THEM. Not you. THEM. THEY want reassurance. THEY want to know they are loved. THEY want you to make them feel better. THEY will tell you that they care about you - but the reality is that they need something from you. You are in bed running a 106 degree fever, every muscle in your body aches, your head is going to explode and you are coughing your guts out. But god forbid you don't make sure they aren't lonely or feel neglected or leave them wondering what the future may hold. And they want an answer RIGHT NOW!

Because they don't get it. And they are so self-involved with how this is affecting them they never will.

If someone I know has PTSD and they seem to have everything together on the outside. I know on the inside every thing isn't so hunky dory. And they are working their ass of to look "normal". That has got to be its own hell.

This ^^^ is my life on a good day. It takes all the energy have to maintain it. I have nothing left to give that fun filled person who crosses my path, we have a fabulous time together, and then suddenly they are clinging to me like I'm the last life vest on the titanic just because I need some space.

If someone is going to be in my life they have to understand this is how it works and it's not going to change. It can become more manageable, but it's always going to be there. It's a part of who I am. If they are going to love me they have to love the bad with the good. Otherwise - I'm gone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Meanwhile, he said straight up, that "I am not missing it"..meaning our relationship. It's only been a couple of months! How could he be over me so soon?

I pushed many guys away hard like this. Being straight up mean to them and an asshole to them to get them to leave. Why? Because I didn't deserve them. I didn't deserve love. And I didn't want to hurt them anymore. But I wasn't over them. I loved and cared about them. I could do without the relationship as it was hella stressful for me so I could most certianly not miss the relationship but be badly missing them. They and the relationship are two different things.

If he is pushing you away that hard though? Maybe you should leave him alone? Just an opinion though. I may he way off the mark.

 

[LovingH]

I pushed many guys away hard like this. Being straight up mean to them and an asshole to them to get them to leave. Why? Because I didn't deserve them. I didn't deserve love. And I didn't want to hurt them anymore. But I wasn't over them. I loved and cared about them. I could do without the relationship as it was hella stressful for me so I could most certianly not miss the relationship but be badly missing them. They and the relationship are two different things.

If he is pushing you away that hard though? Maybe you should leave him alone? Just an opinion though. I may he way off the mark.

That is so maddening for a supporter who hear.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my ex. I haven't seen him in three months and I still cry over him.

I tried multiple times to reach out. I even offered to go to counseling with him.

I was swiped away with "I'm not missing it" (the relationship) and "can't you just wish me the best and hope I find happiness"?

Yet at the same time, he won't give me closure, or discuss our relationship cuz "that would hurt me too much."

So..you're OVER me..yet you can't talk about what happened because it hurts?

Talk about mixed messages.

Meanwhile, my feelings don't count. My hurt doesn't count. My need for closure doesn't count.

 

[LovingH]

And yeah, at some point, the person who loves you HAS to draw a line in the sand.

There is literally only so much rejection some of us can take.

I finally had to sign off with "wow, must be nice to get over things so quickly. I won't be bothering you again."

Because I am not putting myself out there anymore just to get shut down again. Now I have to look out for myself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I was swiped away with "I'm not missing it" (the relationship) and "can't you just wish me the best and hope I find happiness"?

It sounds like he's done. PTSD or not, he has a right to choose who he is and isn't in a relationship with. Closure doesn't have to include him. He can leave, not miss you, and you can still get over him.

It sounds like you are stuggling. Maybe some therapy for yourself? But, this doesn't sound healthy. It sounds to me you need to move on and look out for you.

Again, just my view on things.