General What are they thinking?

[LovingH]

It sounds like he's done. PTSD or not, he has a right to choose who he is and isn't in a relationship with. Closure doesn't have to include him. He can leave, not miss you, and you can still get over him.

It sounds like you are stuggling. Maybe some therapy for yourself? But, this doesn't sound healthy. It sounds to me you need to move on and look out for you.

Again, just my view on things.

Yes, of course. I AM.

That wasn't why I brought all that up.

I brought it up under context of the discussion of how someone with PTSD behaves when they leave you behind. My whole point of posting is that yes, mixed messages seem to be the norm.

And while the person may leave to "spare" us, or because they feel they don't deserve you, or don't deserve love...the act of leaving doesn't spare us any pain.

 

[WTF Happened]

@lostforgottensoul I just wrote this to someone in another thread. I hope it might offer some perspective on why it's so difficult to get closure for yourself and move on.

The reason it feels like the end of the world at first is because it's not just heartbreak, it's lifebreak. It doesn't just mess with everything you know about love and relationships, it messes with your reality.

Up to now, you couldn't fathom someone's feelings suddenly turning off like this, because there is typically a slower degradation of feelings or someone has done something terribly wrong and hurtful to justify it in normal relationships.

You couldn't fathom the person you thought you knew so well seeming to turn into a completely different person, because even in the worst of breakups, there is some consistency to their person - they might act like an asshole, but you can still recognize them.

You couldn't fathom someone who told you all these amazing things about you and your relationship discarding you so easily.

You couldn't fathom someone who seemed to love, trust, and respect you, not even giving you the decency of an explanation. Not because they have to justify their choices, but because it's the kind and respectful thing to do. And after sharing such a deep connection, that's the kind of thing that would happen in a normal relationship.

It feels like everything you knew about life is wrong. But it's not. It's just contained to this crazy situation.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

And while the person may leave to "spare" us, or because they feel they don't deserve you, or don't deserve love...the act of leaving doesn't spare us any pain.

Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows what sort of pain and heartache you'd have to deal with symptom wise if he were still there.

I didn't mean to make that sound harsh. I'm just advising that he might just be done and continuing to reach out to him maybe causing you more pain.

Or not. Just a perspective. Maybe reading the entire situation wrong.

 

[EveHarrington]

the act of leaving doesn't spare us any pain.

With all due respect, please don’t twist things around. You were the one who broke up with him and you didn’t like how he reacted to being dumped.

You’re entitled to your feelings, but I think that moving from victim mentality will help you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I was the one who broke up cuz his ignoring my msgs triggered me. He was devastated when i did that and seemed blindsided.

This right here can answer this.

"I'm not missing it" (the relationship) and "can't you just wish me the best and hope I find happiness"?

If you broke up with him because he didn't answer text messages and you couldn't handle that (which is vaild. That may not be something you can handle. Thus boundries) and he's devastated (in your words) I would answer that I'm not missing the relationship and can't you just wish me happiness too. If I answer at all. Which, I likely wouldn't. Just saying.

 

[Freida]

Well since I'm up wandering the house in the middle of the night.....sigh

It seems that I have FINALLY started to come to terms with one of my adventures (ok @LuckiLee -- traumas :laugh:) and it is much harder than I thought it was going to be. I guess I thought once I had all the pieces put together into a complete picture I would somehow understand what happened. Why it happened. how could it have happened.

But.
no

5 years of blah blah blah therapy
2.5 years of emdr

And still it's hard for me to admit that yes. That girl who lived thru that crap...is me. That shit really happened. I survived. It was real. It's still impossible to know how I feel about it. Am I sad? Angry? Annoyed? Beats me

It's getting easier to talk about to t and to my peeps here. But to my supporters? Oh hell no. Before, when I only remembered bits and pieces I couldn't tell them. Now? With all the ugliness of the whole event? Nope.

Even my t was twitterpaited by the long version. For my sake she said. Empathy for what I'd been thru.

Is that what I would get from them? Empathy? Or pity? Because I don't know the difference. And if they pity me it's gonna piss me off

Plus I don't think they could deal. If it's too much for me it makes sense it would be too much for them. Which means now I have even more crap to hide from them. It's exhausting. Which pushes me into isolation. Which isn't good either. So now I think I'm annoyed at them because they might pity me...or that I don't think they can handle it...or maybe I just don't want to get sucked into THEIR emotions about MY issues

Sigh
It really sucks

 

[Butterfly64]

Yes, of course. I AM.

That wasn't why I brought all that up.

I brought it up under context of the discussion of how someone with PTSD behaves when they leave you behind. My whole point of posting is that yes, mixed messages seem to be the norm.

And while the person may leave to "spare" us, or because they feel they don't deserve you, or don't deserve love...the act of leaving doesn't spare us any pain.

Amen to that!

Oh, totally not alone. I've talked to many on here that can"t speak when suicidal but can type. JL gave me chat and text suicide hotlines. I have yet to use them but they wouldn't exist if that wasn't a thing that happens to many people. So, totally not alone. Most likely not common but still not alone!



It depends. Do you know for sure that he is numb? Or is he simply just gone? Gone does not equal numb. Not in the slightest. It matters because when numb I feel nothing. I have no ability to miss someone nor do I have the ability to fall out of love with someone because both of those things requires emotions and when numb, I am numb. No emotions at all.

If not numb, I can miss someone terribly and not reach out. Not reaching out has nothing to do with missing you. Apples and oranges. Two different topics.

The missing part and not telling them...when I asked my ex, if he had missed me, he would say ofcourse I have. When I asked why he never texted me and told me that, he would say...I don’t have the need to do that. He once said...so if you don’t hear from me for a while, do you think that means I am not thinking about you. I told him that when he pulled away from me and only texted me blah blah blah every few days and I didn’t see him for a week or more, I had no way of knowing, if he actually missed me or still wanted me. I know now that for sufferers, when pulling away, it is a matter of surviving or feeling numb...but for supporters it feels like everything is over ?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know now that for sufferers, when pulling away, it is a matter of surviving or feeling numb...but for supporters it feels like everything is over

Those feelings are vaild but I would say unless he says "it's over" then it's probably not over.

Being a supporter is hard. I don't know how they do it.

That said, I need a supporter to be ok without me and not need for me to tell them I am thinking about them when isolated. Or else why isolate?

Truthfully, in the mist of survival mode, there is no room to think about anyone. We are fighting our shit and trying to just survive.

You may push him deeper in isolation with texts like that. Just saying.

The feelings are still totally vaild though. Wish I knew what to say to make it easier but there's not really anything that can make that easier except for self care and learning how to be ok without him. If he did leave for good, can you keep going without missing a beat (minus the feelings)?

 

[Butterfly64]

Those feelings are vaild but I would say unless he says "it's over" then it's probably not over.

Being a supporter is hard. I don't know how they do it.

That said, I need a supporter to be ok without me and not need for me to tell them I am thinking about them when isolated. Or else why isolate?

Truthfully, in the mist of survival mode, there is no room to think about anyone. We are fighting our shit and trying to just survive.

You may push him deeper in isolation with texts like that. Just saying.

The feelings are still totally vaild though. Wish I knew what to say to make it easier but there's not really anything that can make that easier except for self care and learning how to be ok without him. If he did leave for good, can you keep going without missing a beat (minus the feelings)?

I left him in May....as long as he is not in therapy and is not willing to work on us, I am not going back. And maybe not even then...too many things have happened.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I left him in May....as long as he is not in therapy and is not willing to work on us, I am not going back. And maybe not even then...too many things have happened.

Oh, sorry. Were you talking about before May or?

 

[Butterfly64]

Oh, sorry. Were you talking about before May or?

Yes before May ? And I could have accepted the pulling away, had it not been for the fact that he only pulled away from me...not from friends and family. It took him two years to admit that he only did it to me, because he doesn’t have to “relate” to his friends...they can just hang out. With me it’s different, as we were involved on a deeper level....I guess you could say that being with me was “dangerous” for his peace of mind.
Being on this Forum helps me to move on...you have given me excellent advice down the line...explained to me what goes on in your head when you pull away.That has helped me understand my ex a lot better.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It took him two years to admit that he only did it to me, because he doesn’t have to “relate” to his friends...they can just hang out

Maybe you took it personally at the time and thats why it took him so long to admit that? I pull away from those most intimate relationships too and not from those friends that aren't in an intimate relationship with me. Or at least friends last. I think most PTSD sufferers can relate to that. If you take it personal, I wouldn't admit that either.

Just a thought.