General What are they thinking?

[Butterfly64]

Maybe you took it personally at the time and thats why it took him so long to admit that? I pull away from those most intimate relationships too and not from those friends that aren't in an intimate relationship with me. Or at least friends last. I think most PTSD sufferers can relate to that. If you take it personal, I wouldn't admit that either.

Just a thought.

As a supporter I guess you can become a little paranoid when you are the only one he pulls away from...you start thinking; maybe he just prefers their company over mine? These thoughts stated creeping in even though I knew he had always loved my company.

At one point in November I was so fed up with him being able to spend an entire day with everybody but me. When I told him that I knew he pulled away from just me, because I assumed his feelings for me made him run, he denied it....said that he knew we hadn’t spend as much time as we used to, but he had been so busy looking at houses and blah blah blah. So I calmly told him that yet he still had managed to spend a lot of time with other people. It was a calm conversation...I don’t do drama and neither does he. Obviously he didn’t have any rational comment for that. He again agreed that we hadn’t spend a lot of time together the past seven months and said that he hoped it would get better. Which it didn’t...on the contrary.....he pulled even further away...still denying it had something to do with him having feelings for me. Well..that is all in the past...I guess I am still trying to wrap my head around these two past years. I am slowly learning to let go of him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

As a supporter I guess you can become a little paranoid when you are the only one he pulls away from...you start thinking; maybe he just prefers their company over mine? These thoughts stated creeping in even though I knew he had always loved my company

Understandable. I guess now you know that intimate partners and friends are worlds apart. It is 10 times easier being with friends [ETA: for me] then with those that are closest to us. It just is. It sucks that it is that way but it just is.

ETA: When things get hard, PTSD wise, I mean.

 

[Butterfly64]

Understandable. I guess now you know that intimate partners and friends are worlds apart. It is 10 times easier being with friends [ETA: for me] then with those that are closest to us. It just is. It sucks that it is that way but it just is.

ETA: When things get hard, PTSD wise, I mean.

It sucks big time.

 

[Freida]

Which it didn’t...on the contrary.....he pulled even further away...still denying it had something to do with him having feelings for me.

One thing to remember (hopefully to feel better) is that you are asking for logical answers to an illogical question. In the real world you could have this conversation and the answer would make sense to both of you. In the ptsd world? The questions you are asking are incomprehensible. They don't have an answer. Or, if they do it's "just because" Why can I spend time with others and not with loved ones? Just because.
It's the only answer there is.

Understandable. I guess now you know that intimate partners and friends are worlds apart. It is 10 times easier being with friends [ETA: for me] then with those that are closest to us. It just is. It sucks that it is that way but it just is.

yep

 

[Butterfly64]

One thing to remember (hopefully to feel better) is that you are asking for logical answers to an illogical question. In the real world you could have this conversation and the answer would make sense to both of you. In the ptsd world? The questions you are asking are incomprehensible. They don't have an answer. Or, if they do it's "just because" Why can I spend time with others and not with loved ones? Just because.
It's the only answer there is.


yep

The reason why it is so hard to let go is because of all the questions I still have. I stopped asking him these questions a long time time ago.
He was so guarded when it came to his feeling for me...so determined that we were exclusive, BUT not BF/GF and I felt that in order not to get too involved with me, he wasn’t being honest when I asked him...he would just give me blah blah or blah. If he had been able to communicate like you do...like @lostforgottensoul does...you give me excellent answers...answers I had to figure out for myself during the two years with him, and I couldn’t be sure that the conclusions I had to draw myself were correct....or if I was just trying to give myself excuses for staying with me. As an example; he claimed to be single and would stay single always because he has no energy for expectations and obligations and yet he considered getting a tattoo with my name....in my world you do not get a tattoo like that unless you are in a relationship.
At some point down the line I will get over him.

 

[Freida]

h. If he had been able to communicate like you do...like @lostforgottensoul does...you give me excellent answers.

Ya.....that's because of years of therapy. :laugh: Few years back? I was right where he's at and had no idea how hurtful it was to my supporters

That's the sad thing about ptsd....all the collateral damage

 

[Butterfly64]

Ya.....that's because of years of therapy. :laugh: Few years back? I was right where he's at and had no idea how hurtful it was to my supporters

That's the sad thing about ptsd....all the collateral damage

And he says he doesn’t have the energy for therapy....he pours all of his energy into fixing the house he bought in January...maybe the house is just an excuse for not going to therapy. Maybe he is really so numb that he can’t figure out what he wants with me....if he wants a relationship or not. As a non-sufferer I have a hard time believing that someone can be so numb that they don’t know if they love somebody enough to be in a relationship?

 

[Freida]

...maybe the house is just an excuse for not going to therapy

Yep. I used distraction for decades as a way to avoid dealing with my crap. If your brain is busy there's no room for thinking/feeling/dealing. Because therapy sucks . Eventually you start to get better but it's a hellish road to walk. :(

 

[Butterfly64]

Yep. I used distraction for decades as a way to avoid dealing with my crap. If your brain is busy there's no room for thinking/feeling/dealing. Because therapy sucks . Eventually you start to get better but it's a hellish road to walk. :(

He doesn’t want to talk about therapy or his CPTS...so being with him is a no go. He wants to get back with me...be exclusive again but not in a relationship.So I asked him; do you want to be in a relationship with me, but you can’t. He answered; I don’t think so, but I can’t really feel myself (English isn’t my native tongue so I guess “I can’t really feel myself translates to he feel numb). This is a typical answer from him...it’s not a definite “no” to him wanting a relationship...it’s a mixed answer. Is it possible to feel so numb that you can’t feel what you want?

 

[Freida]

s it possible to feel so numb that you can’t feel what you want?

Yep. It's one of the really hard parts of ptsd. You know something I'd missing but you don't know what it is. Then you meet people who make you start to feel and it's terrifying because your not sure what is happening. Feeling is dangerous. But now there is someone who starts a feeling in you. Sooo..they must be dangerous too

if he wants to be in a relationship with you he has to be willing to do the work. But. him choosing not to do it doesn't mean he thinks your not worth it. It may mean be that doing the work is just to hard to even think about

I think your stand on no therapy/no us is huge because you shouldn't have to be stuck with someone who won't/can't face getting help. You need to take care of you first. And that's ok

 

[Butterfly64]

Yep. It's one of the really hard parts of ptsd. You know something I'd missing but you don't know what it is. Then you meet people who make you start to feel and it's terrifying because your not sure what is happening. Feeling is dangerous. But now there is someone who starts a feeling in you. Sooo..they must be dangerous too

if he wants to be in a relationship with you he has to be willing to do the work. But. him choosing not to do it doesn't mean he thinks your not worth it. It may mean be that doing the work is just to hard to even think about

I think your stand on no therapy/no us is huge because you shouldn't have to be stuck with someone who won't/can't face getting help. You need to take care of you first. And that's ok

Everything you just said I had figured out...by myself because he wouldnt admit to it for a long time. It is really good to hear it from you also. He always says he has to protect himself...if he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t talk about self protection for two years. Even though I have let him go, it is extremely frustrating to know that all the right feelings are there between us...friendship, desire, trust...and he can’t act on it and he still tries to get me back, but he won’t/can’t do intimacy e.g. kissing and cuddling even though he loves it, because that equals relationship and he can’t be in one. He rarely kissed during sex...just before I left him, I refused to have sex without intimacy and so he gave in to it and he really, really, really enjoyed it. So I could have “ordered” him to be intimate
at least in the bedroom and he would have “obeyed” and loved it, but I want it to come from him....I don’t want to force him to. I guess if I had just “demanded” intimacy in the bedroom from the start, it would have become less and less scary for him, but I didn’t want to push him like that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If he had been able to communicate like you do...like @lostforgottensoul does..

That's after 10 yrs of therapy though. And I'm typing it. I can type way more then I can speak. He has no therapy. Without therapy there are no answers because he likely doesn't really know the answers himself. He likely doesn't know why does what he does. Just that he does them. Also he is without any good coping mechisism and so maladative coping mechisisms are likely at play. And he likely has zero or few communication skills as he was never been taught them. Likely doesn't know about stress and the "stress cup" and the connection to that and being sympomatic. Nor has he had the chance to practice boundries and also to practice doing "relationship".

I think your stand on no therapy/no us is huge because you shouldn't have to be stuck with someone who won't/can't face getting help. You need to take care of you first. And that's ok

Agreed!

Untreated PTSD is a bitch and you shouldn't have to put up with that much. Any relationship takes work from both sides. A PTSD relationship take additional work. Each working on themselves as well. You shouldn't have to guess at everything or figure everything out the hard way. He should be in therapy learning what I just wrote above and then some. Maybe he doesn't have all those things yet but the point is he's in therapy working on himself and will eventually learn these things. If he can't go to therapy and work on himself then why should you be in a relationship with him?

I was terrified of therapy. Facing your trauma head on is terrifying! I was forced into therapy (though deep down I knew I needed help). So, maybe that's him? You still don't have to put up with it. Just saying that, that could be why he's refusing therapy. Going to therapy can be a terrifying thought.