Like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. Trying to convince my gynecologist that doing a procedure under general anaesthetic when it could be done under a local isn't going to do my mental health any favours whatsoever.
He said it's his preferred option as I didn't tolerate the investigation well because I had a flashback. He knows that I have ptsd from child abuse, I've even told him what happened and that I was attacked in my sleep. Does he really think that knocking me out and then having me wake up bleeding down there is going to help my ptsd in any way? I just can't get him to understand.
Overwhelmed, restless, emotional, kind of manic, anxious (that sweet, sweet existential anxiety) and tired.
I couldn't sleep all night, so took meds at 7 am to finally help me sleep. So feeling sleepy as well, and grateful for that.
In my heart, feeling trapped between an unbearable past and an untenable future. Despair and tiredness at my core, masked under the laughter and appearance I show. Afraid and tired. Alone, simply because it is my own internal reality and awareness. Broken and defective beyond repair, tbh. Grateful, but shattered, damaged, weary and afraid. Running on fumes.
Angry. Confused. Hurt. Angry...
I usually don't express my anger, and it is coming up after someone crossed a big boundary for me.
I know it is normal and healthy to feel angry about someone violating a boundary