About 20 yrs a go I was working to much.I was working with a lady who had a stroke. She couldn't do anything for herself. I started thinking that would be great to be in her situation. It sounded crazy in my head. But I was so exhausted .... Looking back I needed a day off. But being a workaholic I had to work 7 days a week. Or so I thought I would be homeless like my dad.
Now to today. Thank God I didn't have a stroke. But I did injure my back. I had back surgery. Things went from bad to worse. I thank my husband, who did have a stroke. He was able to recover and go back to work. Its been 4 yrs now. Hes been supporting me. What I wanted I got. What I didn't know that the fear of being homeless was a core belief. When I became so sick with pain and the depression took me down a path that I never knew existed. I was devastated. I was overwhelmed. I didn't like the way people were taking care of me. I thought I could do it better. Then all I thought about was going back to work. I had created a prison in my mind that I didn't know how to escape.I couldn't go back to work. Looking back at what I wanted 20 yrs ago. I could not see that the woman who had the stroke was so depressed I only saw what I needed.
To day as I am getting to the truth about my thinking patterns.... I see that I didn't feel like I could take time off. The fear of being homeless, I had a daughter, I was a single parent. I was responsible for her. That was what kept me going. I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy or have anything. I believed what the authority figures all said about and to me. All negative things. I don't even have to tell you all. You know because you believed them to. If I were alone I dont think I would have made it. What I know now is everything I did was for her. I had to prove I was worth something to somebody.
When my daughter got older I thought she had to pay me back.The automatic thinking was I took care of you, now you owe me. This was not love and I could not understand even to this day she says I didn't love her. I thought taking care of people was love This ptsd can be so subtle. What we think if its a negative pattern it will happen. We are determined to make it happen. I see now that my problem was I didn't have all the information I needed The negative thoughts kept growing and giving birth to more negative thoughts. Then the emotions and anxiety would follow.Because I wasn't loved and cared for the positive way..... I continued caring for my self the way I was taught.That was imbedded in my heart. I was so angry and determined to not be that way I worked so hard trying to change my behavior. I now see that you cant change your behavior , unless you accept that you were lied to. and start believing that you are worth every breath you take. You are loved, you are valuable.If you were the only one alive you are loved. Out of the truth, the positive expectations now you can grow and give birth to the possible. That stirs up hope and I believe hope is being able to here that every thing is going to work out for us .If we put ourselves around other people who are for us not against us. Only then can we begin to start believing we are loved just the way we are. and we can listen and find people that we can trust. People who won't use us and manipulate us. Then were able to learn and grow the way it was intended from the start. That awfull dread and fear are replaced with the truth and we begin to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel . Hope this helps some one. . I have just begun. and I hope to continue growing each day.
Now to today. Thank God I didn't have a stroke. But I did injure my back. I had back surgery. Things went from bad to worse. I thank my husband, who did have a stroke. He was able to recover and go back to work. Its been 4 yrs now. Hes been supporting me. What I wanted I got. What I didn't know that the fear of being homeless was a core belief. When I became so sick with pain and the depression took me down a path that I never knew existed. I was devastated. I was overwhelmed. I didn't like the way people were taking care of me. I thought I could do it better. Then all I thought about was going back to work. I had created a prison in my mind that I didn't know how to escape.I couldn't go back to work. Looking back at what I wanted 20 yrs ago. I could not see that the woman who had the stroke was so depressed I only saw what I needed.
To day as I am getting to the truth about my thinking patterns.... I see that I didn't feel like I could take time off. The fear of being homeless, I had a daughter, I was a single parent. I was responsible for her. That was what kept me going. I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy or have anything. I believed what the authority figures all said about and to me. All negative things. I don't even have to tell you all. You know because you believed them to. If I were alone I dont think I would have made it. What I know now is everything I did was for her. I had to prove I was worth something to somebody.
When my daughter got older I thought she had to pay me back.The automatic thinking was I took care of you, now you owe me. This was not love and I could not understand even to this day she says I didn't love her. I thought taking care of people was love This ptsd can be so subtle. What we think if its a negative pattern it will happen. We are determined to make it happen. I see now that my problem was I didn't have all the information I needed The negative thoughts kept growing and giving birth to more negative thoughts. Then the emotions and anxiety would follow.Because I wasn't loved and cared for the positive way..... I continued caring for my self the way I was taught.That was imbedded in my heart. I was so angry and determined to not be that way I worked so hard trying to change my behavior. I now see that you cant change your behavior , unless you accept that you were lied to. and start believing that you are worth every breath you take. You are loved, you are valuable.If you were the only one alive you are loved. Out of the truth, the positive expectations now you can grow and give birth to the possible. That stirs up hope and I believe hope is being able to here that every thing is going to work out for us .If we put ourselves around other people who are for us not against us. Only then can we begin to start believing we are loved just the way we are. and we can listen and find people that we can trust. People who won't use us and manipulate us. Then were able to learn and grow the way it was intended from the start. That awfull dread and fear are replaced with the truth and we begin to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel . Hope this helps some one. . I have just begun. and I hope to continue growing each day.
