What Are Your Thoughts On Forgiveness?

[Cindy]

This is really tough for me!

Last time I was hospitallized I left a room sobbing regarding this topic. I could not even begin to forgive my abusers. I live with their torture every day in my response to the world. At a very young age I was taught how cruel people could be and how unsafe the world could be. I don't believe I will ever be able to totally remove that from my persona. Thus they can not be forgiven for their acts. I care not for revenge, retaliation, remorse, - it's done, it's over, it's the past. So I move on and deal day to day with what I have and move forward from there.

My past does shape my responses to today's events but I do try to minimize this and gain appropriate perspective.

But forgiveness, NEVER. Am I angry? I was never safe to express anger therefore I really can't say I feel it even to this day. It is rare that I can truly identify my anger for what it is.

Cindy

 

[A-RON]

I want to tell you a story. After the World Trade Center tragedy...

Holy Cow, Mercy. You wrote that? What a beautiful way of telling a story. I liked your point-of-view as well.

 

[SammyKline]

couple of things..

there's a big distinction to make between when the person who is to be forgiven or not is still a part of your life (or potentially so) and when they are relegated to the past, and the relationship in whatever form, is over.

in this case I see forgiveness as essential for someone with PTSD because it helps you to let go of them. when you are brewing with anger you are still recycling the memories and thoughts about the person, over and over.

in a way, they are still alive, within you, processed as memories and emotional charges.

forgiving as they say is entwined with forgetting.

BUT.

if the person who is to be forgiven IS still a part of your life, if the relationships is ongoing (or potentially so) and especially if this person is asking or pressuring you for forgiveness... that's another story.

in such a case your anger / fear / distrust are protective mechanisms that may help keep you safe. i know i am generalizing..

in my case I totally forgive my mother for treating me so cruelly. she herself was suffering and i believe that down deep she wanted the best for me. but she screwed up, a lot. she essentially failed at being a mother. if i look at the specific events and decisions she made, then i think it's easy to hold onto the anger because at this level she was so clearly wrong and harmful. if i pull back however and try to imagine how she came to be the way that she did; what experiences did she have as a child; how desperate was she really throughout her life?

then it becomes a large cyclical pattern of abuse and neglect in the family. not so much events but patterns.

then it's easier for me to let go.

unfortunately of course this is all on an intellectual level. in my dreams and my deeper levels of feeling and emotions.. its hard to forget and move on.

 

[cragger65]

Both Fin and Cindy, I think some expression of that anger would be healthy. Your babes have left the roost, it's for you now. Cindy, I know that you do address this issue, maybe you could give Fin a few tips?