General What Boundaries Should I Set With My Friend

[Iam]

Hi all,

I am a sufferer and this is the first time I have posted in the carer forum. It seems that most are carers of a spouse or BF/GF. Mine is a friend and fellow sufferer. So I don't know if anyone can help me with the relationship.

We have been so co-dependent. I told her yesterday that I was no longer going to be working as an independent insurance agent with her because I need time to just focus on getting well. As expected, this is a devestating blow for her even though we have only worked together for 6 months.

She is also currently going thru a divorce that she instigated. She is fearful of being able to make it on her own financially and my leaving our partnership increases her fear dramatically.

I called this afternoon to see how she was doing. She said "fine" and shared her day. She did say it was awful being out in the sales field without me. After our conversation I received 5 texts in the course of 45 minutes. The first one telling me that she really isn't doing ok, so I asked if there was anything I could do. Nextone, she knows she's a downer and that I don't need to check in on her and that I need to just enjoy the good place that I am at. I texted back "Ok.....I will be praying for you". the next one was that she is having a terrible time and she pushed me away and wants to hold on to me and is so ashamed. Then came the next with questions that were manipulative.

I have not answered the last ones because I don't know how to. I don't want to be manipulated or played games with. I am a very straight forward person. If I say I want to be left alone I mean it. If I need help I will ask......well ok...I'll rephrase that....I am learning to ask. I have a real problem with being manipulated because that's what my mother has always done. I react very strongly and admittedly sometimes think I am being manipulated when I am not. I do not trust other's intentions at times.

So my question is this.......what are appropriate boundaries with her. She has always shown severe PTSD symptoms, but she is honestly going thru a tough time with the divorce and trying to make it own her own financially. What can I do that helps her but doesn't drain me or make me angry with her?

 

[Nicolette]

Good work Iam...you are now heading in the right direction to solve your problem or at least find some answers. :wink: I will read your post later and possibly respond if I can be helpful.

 

[AdamAnt]

Sounds like you're doing what you're supposed to Iam. By not reinforcing inappropriate behavior I'm thinking she'll see you maintaining your boundries. I do hope you get to keep your friendship...I'm betting she does lean on your strengths and knowledge of PTSD more than anything you share in business.

 

[Iam]

Thanks Nicolette. I would appreciate any insight that you might have.

Thanks to you too Mark. I think I did well with it too. She did not respond to the email I sent her, but did respond to my text asking if she wants to ride this weekend. Quite frankly.....I am relieved that she didn't respond to my email. Is that bad? IDK
I am not sure I agree about the leaning on me for my knowledge of PTSD, my strengths yes. She is a very clingy and dependent person. Wanting to be with me every day. I react pretty strongly to that as it is what I grew up with in my mother (who is finally learning to respect my boundaries sometimes ;o). I feel trapped when someone is that dependent on me. Besides, it is just plain unhealthy and I let it go on too long. She doesn't have confidence in herself so she really did rely on me in business because I have a proven track record in sales. It will be good for her to go it on her own. She needs to learn that she can take care of herself. I don't mean alone or without loving support.

My T says that love is "seeing and understanding where the person is at, helping them in constructive ways, without canceling out who you are." I have really been holding on to that and trying to implement it. Just don't always trust my perceptions of what "that" is LOL!

 

[Nicolette]

My T says that love is "seeing and understanding where the person is at, helping them in constructive ways, without canceling out who you are." I have really been holding on to that and trying to implement it.

I like this thought however Iam, like you realize it is difficult to define. My gut tells me that if you feel good doing something to help her and it helps her - that is positive. If you are doing something that you feel obliged to do however makes you feel bad then that is not constructive and is beginning to cancel out who you are.

I think people can support each other without 'leaning' and there is a lot of weight with 'leaning'. I wonder if you have considered you are possibly acting in a co-dependent manner and, while meaning well, enabling her through your own guilt? I say that knowing I have done the same thing in my life to my detriment. By you sounding trapped it does sound like your best interests are compromised.

Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Perhaps this time it is a reason of recognizing that you come first and if something makes you feel bad while making someone else feel good is not a healthy relationship. Trust me I have learned some whopper lessons and sometimes, while not to blame, you have to stand infront of the mirror and ask yourself "What is my part in this? What did I do to get myself into this position?". Eg when my ex punched me in the face splitting open above my eye, and I stood in the bathroom with blood dripping down my face, with him in the background being remorseful - I asked myself the same question and the answer for me was I put up with everything that lead to that event and didn't set boundaries for all the little things which eventually add up to a big thing.

Go with your heart....I think you questioning yourself and wanting such advice is a partial answer in itself.

 

[Iam]

Thanks Nicolette. I really appreciate your honest insight.

Yes I have definitely been co-dependent with her. In fact I even told her that in the email I sent after I told her that I was quitting. I set boundaries for work and they were crossed continually. I had told her that I could not maintain our partnership if that happened, so quit when it didn't change. I also told her that I will help her when I can and only when it is healthy for both of us.

I do believe I did the right thing. Distancing myself will make it easier to maintain healthy boundaries with her.