General What Can I Do When My Husband Self-harms?

[I'll make tea]

My husband is a Vet and he has the habit of pulling his hair, biting his lips, biting his hands and so on when he is stressed.
He does not think it is a problem because it is his way of dealing with it. Another way is sports, but that would be more time-consuming and he needs to work a lot.

His best friend already tried in vain to talk him out of it.

Do you have any suggestions / tools what I should do when he does this? I really don't like watching it.

 

[Promicarus]

I have to ask--does it reach the level of drawing blood? Are there permanent marks left, at all? Has he ever had longer term health risks associated with the behavior?

Not that a lack of any of the above would leave you without basis for attempting to discourage the behavior. But I have to ask...do you just want him to stop because you, yourself, don't like seeing it? Is that the real reason?

Personally, I think he has a right to control his symptoms in whatever ways work for him. I understand that this technique could be particularly disquieting to you and others in the vicinity. But if there aren't any other risks, near or long-term...is it really preferable for him to instead leave his symptoms uncontrolled. Just food for thought.

If you were to describe the symptoms he's trying to control, at least somewhat, it might be easier to suggest something that could be substituted, if he happens to be willing. But if his best friend already tried in vain to dissuade him, it sounds as though he's likely to resist your efforts as well.

I think you might consider counting your blessings. If he's found a way to control his symptoms that works for him--you're more fortunate than many supporters/sufferers with PTSD, after all.

There are some medications that might help...a number of SSRI antidepressants help with OCD symptoms, which is what this behavior may fall into. But it would help to have some more information--ie what are the symptoms he's trying to control...how does the behavior help control the symptoms, in his opinion? Is it conscious, or unconscious?

There are non-pharmaceutical supplements which help reduce stress levels, but I'm not a licensed practitioner, and don't know the forum rules on such recommendations, right off. You might run a search on "supplements, reduce stress, reduce cortisol, sedation", for example.

That's about as much as I've got. Glad you're trying to get the best help for your husband, and welcome to the forum. But you might try the section for supporters, for yourself and your own stress and related situations. You may well find better advice on how to look at the situation altogether from someone in a similar position.

Best wishes.

 

[I'll make tea]

Thanks for your answer.
I am not sure if he wants to control something and if yes, what he wants to control. He says it helps him deal with stress.

His other symptoms... I think he does not want me to go into detail. * He is extremly into spit and polish. Far more than normal. He does not want me to discuss that in length with other people. I can just say that this is far more than normal neatness. cleans and polished everything. He knows that it is odd but cannot help it.

* He can be quiet persnickety because of little dirts and little specks and so on - but I am not sure if that is a symptom. When he has a bad day he will do a lot of complaining about how the cleanness in our house is not up to his standards - and our house may not be immaculate but it is not dirty at all.

* He has trouble sleeping and will sometimes self-harm to go to sleep.

* Everything has to be planned perfectly and if it is not he is in "watchful" mode and cannot enjoy himself.

* he does not like to go places that are crowded- often avoids them

... but I am still so happy to be with him. He is the most hardworking and loyal guy and a devouted father.

He has been bleeding because of biting his lips / knuckles but only a little bit.

 

[digger]

He does not think it is a problem because it is his way of dealing with it.

Until he does think it's a problem, then he is unlikely to change it and even then it is unlikely to be an overnight thing. (Long term self harmer here)

If it bothers you to watch it then maybe the discussion should be about you needing to leave the room when he chooses to deal with things in that way. Your own feelings are important too, and it is okay to voice them and to protect yourself.

Self harm is a complex thing. A lot of people liken the impact of it to addictions in how difficult it can be to give up and to control the urges to use it, especially when you have found it to be helpful on some level as your husband has. I would say if he's restricting it to hair pulling and biting at the moment then the positives are likely to outweigh the negatives for him right now. But there may come a time when that is not enough anymore and he starts more extreme actions. So I would say keep encouraging him to look at and try alternatives, but really, until he accepts it as a problem rather than a solution then he's not likely to stop it.

 

[Promicarus]

I want to make it clear that I'm not a licensed medical professional of any kind, first of all.

But your husband may benefit from an SSRI antidepressant, from your description of his symptoms. It sounds as though much of what you describe falls into the category of being OCD related... and this is a common feature of PTSD, in fact. Studies have shown that SSRI antidepressants not only can adress such symptoms when the arise from PTSD, but even contribute in the long-term to offsetting some of the damage done to the brain by PTSD, overall.

That's my personal opinion, from my own personal experience, and reading I've done.

Is he open to the idea of seeing even a G.P. (family doctor?). It's now common for family doctors to prescribe SSRIs for such symptoms, as well as the related depression. This may reduce his need to bite, as well--as this is often related to OCD, especially when other factors such as the ones you've described accompany this behavior.

Glad you're continuing to post for support, and feel free to PM me (send me a personal message), at any time.

Have you tried the supporter's section yet? I'm sure that would be a good source of support with other issues related to your husbands challenges and symptoms, and provide valuable insight and information, as well.

Best wishes, and hope to read more from you.

 

[I'll make tea]

So I would say keep encouraging him to look at and try alternatives, but really, until he accepts it as a problem rather than a solution then he's not likely to stop it.

What are the alternatives you would suggest?
do you still selfharm?

 

[I'll make tea]

@Promicarus

My husband is seeing a therapist. I forgot to mention this. Sorry.

I think my post would be more at home in the supporters section. Sorry again. Wrong section.

Do you or does anybody have any ideas what i can do when he self-harms? Some "tools" or ideas how can direct him towards something different would be great.

 

[digger]

What are the alternatives you would suggest?

It depends to some extent on why he is doing it, what purpose it is serving. If he can identify what he is getting out of it, then it will be easier to come up with replacements for it. Understanding it is really helpful in conquering/controlling it. Some people self harm because they are not feeling and need to. Some people self harm because they are feeling too much and need not too. Sometimes both at different times. Rarely it is for attention. It is unusual in my experience for someone to self harm in front of others. The best things I find are just trying to find things to distract myself with until the urge passes. If it's because he needs to feel something, or to feel something different than what he is feeling then holding ice cubes or running your hands under really cold water or something like that can help. Some people find an elastic band round the wrist to snap when they feel the need can have the same effect, but personally I don't really see that as different to what he is already doing - he will still be hurting himself. The key thing though, as I said in my other post, is that he has got to want to stop the behaviour, because it takes a lot of effort to do so.

do you still selfharm?

Yes, but it tends to be as a last resort now rather than one of my first 'go to's'. I have been self harming since I was quite a young child though. If it's a relatively new thing for him and he can find alternatives to replace sooner rather than later then hopefully it will be easier for him to get past it.

 

[digger]

Sorry trying to think of other things, but my minds a bit blank tonight - I usually have the self harm patter down to a T ;) Maybe a stress ball to squeeze or hitting a cushion or a punchbag if it's a stress release thing that he's doing it for. I think identifying what sort of things are causing the stress that makes him feel that way would be the best way forward.

 

[I'll make tea]

What he gets out of it? Stress reduction. It helps him deal with stress.
He does it in front of others but I don't think he wants attention.

 

[I'll make tea]

Sorry trying to think of other things, but my minds a bit blank tonight - I usually have the self harm patter down to a T ;) Maybe a stress ball to squeeze or hitting a cushion or a punchbag if it's a stress release thing that he's doing it for. I think identifying what sort of things are causing the stress that makes him feel that way would be the best way forward.

Things that stress him:
* construction sides,
* crowds,
* going to sleep,
* his job

Stressball! Great idea!

 

[digger]

Sorry, I wasn't meaning he was doing it for attention because he does it in front of people. It didn't sound like that to me from what you had said already. He sounds like someone who needs something instant to cope in the moment when stress builds up too much. I only mentioned it because it is maybe not completely typical self harm behaviour and so if you look for solutions it might be harder to find what you're looking for by searching 'self harm' - I think looking at stress relief might give him more ideas. There are lots of websites dedicated to self harm and that deal with male self harm, but most of them tend to be geared towards the more secretive cutting etc Lifesigns is one site I can think off the top of my head. A lot of advice is geared to teens as well, but I hope your husband can be reassured that he is not alone in this way of coping.

Has he discussed it with his therapist? Apologies if my answers aren't very clear.