What Do I Deserve?

[Deleted member 541]

In theory people always say, "Yes, I deserve-----------" love, a clean home, ect (Fill in the blanks.). But in reality, I think it's more that in order to achieve these things, wants and desires, that a person has to make it happen. These things don't just happen, you have to work to get them.

It's starts with something small, it could be anything. Something that you really want, but don't feel that you deserve. Buy it, get it, ask for it! It may feel uncomfortable at first, and you first reaction may be to return it or give it back.... DON'T!!!! Sit with it for a few days, look at it, feel it think about it....

Everyone of us are worthy of having what we desire (within reason) we just need to make the first step to achieve it and it starts with baby steps.

 

[Sideways]

Is it like, I deserve bad things because it means I've been bad/they don't like me, but I don't deserve good things ever?

If so, what's the nature of your badness, why are you "bad"? Why is it people don't like you, or shouldn't like you?

 

[Sideways]

Or option C: I don't deserve anything because I have no value.
Another common one - lack of self-worth.

Hmm. All nasty options.

 

[Suzetig]

There's definitely something in the don't deserve anything because I have no value. It's not so much a thinking process as a very deep feeling of unworthiness which means I don't deserve good things.

 

[expectingbetter]

I have the same issues myself.
I think that I am subconsciously preventing myself from getting good stuff in my life as I deeply feel like I don't deserve them. Neither stuff or people, like I am not good enough that anybody would bother even to be my friend. Let alone to help me with anything.
But I act the same when my career is concerned - like I don't deserve to be respected or paid or valued.
I know from where has that come in my case. My father messed me up til greatest extent.
And I am nowhere near to my recovery although at therapy.

I think that deeply inside I am aware of my own values but like I am not able to deal with a world if I get something good, I was experiencing so much jelousy from others during the life- I can't stand having some normal stuff even, really as you described.

Too complicated. But at least I understood you completely :(

 

[ghotiff]

The deserving thing for me comes from a place of knowing what I can or can't ask for from people - and there's a very young part of me that expects people to give/get what they deserve.

In theory people always say, "Yes, I deserve-----------" love, a clean home, ect (Fill in the blanks.). But in reality, I think it's more that in order to achieve these things, wants and desires, that a person has to make it happen. These things don't just happen, you have to work to get them.

Maybe the language "I have a right to want this, I have the right to enjoy this" is easier than "I deserve this" as it blocks out the wording that can be twisted into "deserving bad things"

Then from "wanting" the question is "can I". If it doesn't cross a legal or ethical barrier then it's a question of typical can I afford it. Can I afford the time, money, etc that is required to aquire it.

I personally think you can ask anything from anyone as long as they know they are able to easily say no. I often ask for things by using this approach
"I'm totally okay for you to say no, but on the basis of: if you don't ask you don't get: can I ask you ...."
When they say "no" and you show you are clearly comfortable and accepting of their "no" it creates a really clear upfront relationship absent of manipulation. My friends know that if I want something, I will directly ask for it, there will be no subtlety, no game, no manipulation. People who don't like this approach I don't want in my life anyway.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I sometimes tend to really challenge thoughts that I don't deserve things by going - "well, I'm only here for a limited time, I've suffered quite enough already, so why don't I deserve some of the good things that life has to offer" sounds simple but it's been working for me.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Suzetig totally my feelings as well, but I'd never think to write it. Except for 'clean' (home), as I see that within my desire/ control/ choice. (Though I fear homelessness & don't feel I deserve a home. Even then I fear disappearing less than having to get to work if I were homeless.)

I heard someone on the radio yesterday say voice "In a perfect world I would.." , eg "I would have x for supper.. I would want X do X have X", etc. I can see that being 'helpful' , but I wouldn't say it aloud.

:hug:

 

[Suzetig]

Thanks everyone, lots to think about. In reading all these responses I wonder if part of the issue for be is imposter syndrome - I do actually have a comfortable home, a lovely husband, a good job that I enjoy etc I just don't think I deserve to have them, so am waiting for someone to find out that I don't deserve them and put me back in my place again.

I'm waiting for someone to give me what's "rightfully" mine - which is mistreatment and abuse, so if someone does do that I generally don't even recognise it. Because it's what I expect and think should happen anyway.

 

[Sideways]

What if "I deserve only bad things" is the core belief?

How much does it hurt to say "I deserve all the good things I have in my life, just because I deserve good things"??

If you deserve good things, then logic would suggest that you didn't deserve what happened to you as a child. And maybe you know that intellectually, but do you really believe it?

Like you said, people doing bad things "just because" is a really bitter pill to swallow. The world makes more sense to you if you deserve those bad things.

So, you didn't deserve to be abused as a child. That's a fact. Question is, how does that sit with you? If that makes you angry, frustrated, upset, or want to leave the room and stop all thoughts about it pronto, maybe that's the core belief.

That might sound frustrating, but actually it would put you a step ahead. Instead of trying to locate the core source of all these issues, your T is actually trying to help you challenge and change the very core of where it's all coming from...

Just thoughts.

 

[Suzetig]

The idea that I didn't deserve to be abused sits very hard with me, logically I can agree with it but when I then sit with the feeling it becomes overwhelming - I think for me to take it in would leave me drowning in pain. And I know that's what I'm trying to avoid while at the same time knowing that I really do need to go there. I can challenge the deserving/undeserving stuff on an intellectual level, keeping it there has kept me functional for the most part. But accepting how bad things were, and that I didn't deserve to be treated that way is a whole other thing.

 

[Sideways]

It definitely is a whole different ball game.

"I deserve this" is how we made sense of it as a child, and that's gone unchallenged ever since. If I didn't deserve it? The whole world falls apart - that thought has been the only thing helping me survive it ever since it happened.

So I can relate. A lot. And right about now, my T would thank my iner child for their marvellous coping strategies, but remind me that it's now time we accept "the truth".

Apparently, if we accept "the truth", that we didn't deserve it, the world does not, in fact, fall apart. But we are forced to realise the true horror and senselessness of what we went through.

Personally, I'm not that keen on going there either!