What Do I Do When There Is No Safe Help?

[goingonhope]

Deb, when I found this Fri. evening, I read it and I cryed. A good cry. I just wanted to let you know too, that somehow, I received some answered prayers because Fri. day went generally well and peaceful around here. In the name of self-preservation, I said very little throughout that morning to H, worked well and even stepped outside and meditated and rested in the sun, dozing off.

Then a relative came by and this shifted dynamics some, H was kind and considerate, and I felt safer. I enjoyed her company and helped her out too. She ate dinner with us and I didn't shed a tear, nor feel threatened to go hide under the covers. Fri day was shockingly uplifting.

 

[712xx]

Hey Hope, glad to hear Fri was a good day! :tup: Really glad.

 

[goingonhope]

I'm really sorry Hope. Don't give up. It does sooo suck;

Exactly, I mustn't give up and it does so badly suck. It tends to get so difficult that really I'd just as soon avoid this thread and avoid the pain and reality it makes me aware of. I could so easily dissociate, and have been doing so, and also forget all about this thread. Forget everything and just go into the next day and then the next, and the next while needing to just forget and wanting so badly to make it all go away and I just die.

But, I think I'm gonna tough just another attempt out and try again to start taking my health very, and more, seriously:

@goingonhope: For me, I had to start taking myself very seriously. To live or to die. To get my needs met or to be another casualty on the highway of broken souls. Its that simple.

When noone is around I pray. I have a lot of faith and that helps.

I also have team of professionals that I rounded up for when I go into a crisis.

Have faith but we have to believe that we are worth it; that our story matters because it does, and at the very least we need to be able to process it in a safe environment with people who respect and care about us.

Thank you again 712xx and bethinhfx.

 

[goingonhope]

What would life be if there wasn't externalizing mentally ill family always nearby, to undermine, mess up and damage one's entire balance, relations, loves and all efforts. :(
(sarcastic)

I am feeling deeply hurt, angry and afraid that my H would think, react and be so ill-manipulative, callous, mean and self-absorbed as he was last night.

 

[mamachick]

goingonhope-you described a very good Friday. I have gotten bad about journaling, but when I did, I found many days or parts of days to be grateful for. The more we notice those time, the more often they seem to occur and the less power the nay-sayers have on us. Glad your going to keep on trying.

Years ago, during times of much family turmoil, I remember comparing myself with the "little engine that could". I know it sounds corny, and have some even cornier analagies. I do think it can help to create a shift to discovering our own ability to balance in spite of others attempts to throw us off.

 

[goingonhope]

Thank you brat17 for the analogy, not corny at all to me and I think I'll use tonight and on into tommorrow.

First with attempting sleep as I don't even want to attempt it.

I'm so damn depressed when not escaping or engaged in one form of flight from reality, or another. This business of managing my present life while having to stuff aside numerous thoughts and feelings is entirely too overwhelming.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I can. I can! :confused:..:oops:

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

You are asking a good question....

My experience is there is no easy way, but there are definite ways to get out of the cycle.

This is what I did:
1. Found a therapist trained in trauma
2. Estranged myself from my family (2 abusers in the mix) -BTW this was EXTREMELY difficult and depressing
3. Committed to treatment even when I HATED it, QUESTIONED it, COULDN'T AFFORD IT

I cried, journaled, cried, slept, cried. You get the idea. It is really really hard to get better, but you can do it.

Hang on tightly. Keep reaching out.

 

[goingonhope]

My experience is there is no easy way, but there are definite ways to get out of the cycle.

Gee' do I wish that I could even believe there was such a thing as a hard way through this for me. I don't need easy, or anything near, but I do need practical or possible. Even the trauma therapist is impossible still right now for me.

I am so discouraged, so depressed, and truthfully I am inadequate, helpless and ineffective with this. I am without a good many choices and sustaining power. But I don't usually ever say so. Undoubtedly though true for me, its best to keep quiet.

So many people believe that all people have equal power in choice, that of course is presuming that all people have equal this, that and the other. Just counting my fears alone, nevermind obstacles, I have had to overcome (ridiculous amounts of fears) and thereafter maintain the freedoms from those, due to my life-time traumas expansive, expansive range and variety.

One most tragic type for certain was psychologically being stalked and held hostage, thereafter emotioinally and spiritually alienated from my then favorite people in all this world and thereafter isolated and threatened violently and assaulted such, time and again.

By this time not only did the original obsesser (step-dad) initiate, but all of my family gradually joined. As they were rewarded and taught well, by quite the delusional man I might add, to hate me. We had escaped from our reckless and power-hungry father together and then were soon afterwards walked straight into a whole different brand of abuses. Many of which was extremely manipulative, psychological and targeted me, distinguishing me from the others as his fixation.

 

[goingonhope]

Hang on tightly. Keep reaching out.

Thank you Inspired 2 B Free.

 

[Nighthawk]

((((Goingonhope))))