What Do You Do If You Have No Supporter In Your Life?

[Pencil]

Abstract

It is 1 am, I am really tired but want to respond now, though it will necessarily be very short. I'd like to take this further tomorrow.

My post was partly in response to you, just as it is partly in response to the whole world. And let's remember the original post: this topic has to do with feeling invisible everywhere, not only on the forum. And this does not have to be anybody's fault: remember I don't have any family, and I don't have a partner, and I don't have a therapist. Those three relationship areas usually take care of most people's visibility and support needs. So, let's take my friend E - if I want support from her, I have to get in the queue behind her mother, her boyfriend and her two teenagers. Then, if she still has support to dish out, she has to understand attachment issues, PTSD etc., and then, to understand why I feel back inside my original trauma at age 4, I have to try to to explain to her why 'terminating' therapy 7 months after I last laid eyes on the therapist is POSSIBLE. So, E is out. No-one else there.

So, I come to the forum. Again, it is nobody's fault that we all have different issues and that PTSD presents in so many ways. I have come to accept the fact that my main issue is not something others relate to. I've had amazing rapport and discussions with people, especially on my diary, but RIGHT now I am feeling bereft, there is no other word, but I keep on getting into discussions, such as this one, instead of ... whatever it is I need. And I do get that people do NOT understand how I can be so upset about finally letting go of the therapist (which actually translates into giving up the hope of therapy and getting whatever it is the rest of the members on this forum gain from going to therapy. And apparently, with attachment issues, I'm pretty stuffed without therapy, so this is not about one individual therapist, it is about the rest of my life. But not one person here sees this. This is also about the impact of my crap on my daughter .... blah blah, god it is too much to list. )

Earlier I ended a PC as I did not feel supported, so my previous post had more to do with that than with you. What DID upset me about you was the fact that you asked me for an explanation (on my diary) which I then provided, to which you never responded. This was the second time it happened. But this was just one small thing in a sea of things.

And yes, I know, this discussion does not belong here, and of course I'm hijacking a thread again, but Anonymous seems to have gone AWOL. Still, we can continue this on my diary if you want.

Abstract, I'm not fighting with anyone. I really want to get onto a grandmother's lap and cry myself to sleep. But, yeah, right, that would be a first for me. I'm so tired of explaining things. And sadly, just about the only person who actually fully understands where I am, is the ex therapist, who now no longer exists. Is it okay for me to feel that loss acutely? Yes, I know Ive not seen her in 7 months, but that contributed to not feeling supported, not less so. And I always had the unrealistic idea that I would eventually get back to her, and the loss of this lifeline also contributes to feeling lost / desperate / panicky.

You know how much I've always appreciated your input, and how much I like you. Please don't make this about you, and let's not come to blows.

This was not short, as responding to you is important to me. It is now 1h40. I need to get to bed.

 

[Pencil]

What I meant to say and then did not so explicitly enough is this:

The majority of people on this forum have connections with people out there. Anonymous doesn't, and there are other people who come to mind who don't. Without a 'primary' or intimate relationship, one can go to book clubs and clubs for this that and the other, but quantity does not make up for connection, closeness, intimacy, feeling loved - having a place to go for Christmas without having to wait for an invitation, in other words.

And so WE, (I'm speaking for others here, sorry) necessarily need or want more from the forum. And this forum can't replace what is lacking. And we don't all bring the same needs. And having to type the sad story is different from having someone who gives a shit in the same room with you. And THAT was what I was trying to get across.

 

[Abstract]

to which you never responded.

Just wanted to answer this quickly. I was in the countryside, without a pc, battery died after post 7 hence no editing, and almost zero reception for my phone after. Some things are easy to post and some take more thought and I need clearer thinking. There are often many reasons why each of us answer when and where we do and what we answer. Not least of all because we have symptoms to consider and manage.

 

[Pencil]

Abstract, point taken.

I'm totally exhausted and got into bed, then remembered to check my daughter's school uniform, and found it was still wet. So now I'm drying in on the heater and will stay on the forum to help me stay awake. Abstract, I'm going to say one or two things here, and then go over to my diary.

Regarding my friend E: I forgot to add that she has a good strategy - when we meet she asks me how I am and then I give a quick run-down of what's happening in my life. This takes about 10 minutes as she is interested and asks pertinent questions. And then comes the moment when she mentally dusts her hands of me, and switches the conversation to her life - which then occupies the rest of the time, which could be up to two or three hours. When she is done, she ends the visit - abruptly. For all the support she has in her life (and her new boyfriend is truly a nice and caring person), she squeezes the maximum support out of me. I still like her, she remains my friend, I get only mildly annoyed. The point is, I give way more support than I receive. What is beginning to annoy me is her lack of understanding of how PTSD affects my life. I spoke about my struggle to focus on work (which I think might be dissociation, but I still battle to understand it) and her response was: 'This shit has been going on for as long as I've known you, you really need to get a grip on yourself'. Right, I won't go there again. She also thinks that many of my problems will be automatically solved as soon as I go into a relationship. I know for a fact that I'll never have another relationships for as long as I live - and it has now been 10 years. I can't stand being touched. Have I mentioned attachment issues? She doesn't get it, as she is a healthy, normal practical person. PTSD? Attachment issues? Simple, get over it! And so I don't burden the friendship with what it can't carry or contain.

The bottom line is that I can't hope to get support out there. Not from the people I know anyway. And as I live in a small isolated town, and don't have a car, and struggle financially, I can't get to places where people meet. BUT the main thing is, I am becoming more reclusive. I need connection, like any other human being, but I can't stand social contact. I think this is a contradiction that many people with PTSD struggle with.

Okay, I'm going to waffle on my diary until J's uniform is dry. It is 3 am.

 

[rainy_daze]

Sorry everyone, it's a giant post. I've used the posts so far to respond.

It's occurred to me I didn't respond to you very well Anonymous, especially when I read this post:

I suspect Anonymous has sightly different concerns

And the concerns are:

When I can handle crowds I stand there.., invisible, no one notices i am there and it just makes me sad and I don't know how to make it change.

How does someone that isolates themselves change? How do you keep reaching out when no one reaches back?

I re-read your post again, Anonymous. I don't always see the point of things right away sometimes. Your post title is "What do you do if you have no supporter in your life?", and that is maybe why I find this difficult to answer.

I know what it is like to feel alone in a crowd, I know what it is like to feel unable to speak with people you have in your life and I know what it is like to have questions you don't know the answer to. I don't know what it is like to live your life though Anonymous. Which is a life in which you feel you have no supporter.

When I look at that post title now the first answer that springs to my mind is try to become more self-reliant. That is so much easier said than done though, and probably isn't the best advice. I'm a huge believer that we can't function without social contact. Whether that is someone with PTSD or not. Everyone needs to take care of themselves, but we also need to feel connected to others. Sometimes we need to say we aren't coping with whatever the difficulty is, so we can get help. I think so anyway.

You said (I think) that you have people in your life, but you cannot talk to them, or feel unable to reach out to them, and that you want to change, away from isolation. It seems like as a child

I needed help and I didn't get it.

and that this still continues for you.

I re-read the replies you had from other posters, and the theme I see is that people know what it is like to feel invisible. The biggest response is asking you if you can go back to therapy.

When I first joined here I was a complete mess. I will one day go back and post on my original posts. My introduction post was one of the hardest things I have ever written. The next post I posted was one of complete desperation as I waited on therapy for too god damn long. I felt like I couldn't wait for the help. I was in the helpless and needing to be rescued place. It is an ugly place, to say the least.

I'm saying that Anonymous because you said that you needed help, as a child, and didn't get it. As a child I waited to be rescued, and I never was. Why did no one help me? I got into my teenage years, and I still wasn't rescued. I went around rescuing everyone else, and ignored my own needs. PTSD hit me like a punch to head and a stab to the heart. Here I am, a fully grown adult, and I'm just beginning to rescue myself, and learn to help myself. I hope this makes sense in relation to what you're saying. Sometimes the childhood feelings stick around, and they're horrible.

Sometimes the more opportunities in life you have to meet other people, the easier it is to not be invisible:

I joined a walking group to find new friends

I think we can still have relationships with people who are not going to be an emotional support. We just need to accept what that relationship is and isn't. I think it's all about being aware of what is what, having approiote relationships and making new friends with the right people.

and maybe talking with a professional:

Whether you think more trauma work is needed or not, therapy doesn't have to be only for specifically discussing the trauma, in fact I think that's only part of it for all of us. We also need to look at the effect on us and our lives, and get help and support with trying to build a better life for ourselves now. All the kinds of things you mention are things that I think therapy can help with.

or replying to the thread and having a think about things will help to

move you in the direction of being more social

and

Only you can decide if therapy is right for you and if, perhaps, you need a different therapist.

or

a PTSD support group or looking for people in your neck of the woods with PTSD on this forum

so that things don't feel like

I have zero support outside the forum.

You're not alone on the forum I think Anonymous. I wish you all the best in getting through this, and same wishes to others feeling similarly.

 

[anonymous]

I keep trying to respond but my computer is always freezing up and I lose everything I have written.

I will try again tomorrow to answer some of the questions. Thank you to everyone who has responded. And Pencil, I hear you, but it is late and I am not sure if I am making much sense. I am a single mother but my children have all grown up and moved away. It is hard to bear all that responsibility and be the strong one that appears to keep it all together for the kids. To have this PTSD on top of it all makes it seem impossible. I wish I knew how to do this and it seems like we have the same problem. I kept it together for so many years telling myself it was better not depending on anyone else, working 2 jobs while raising my kids. I hid behind that reasoning because even years ago I didn't know how to make it change, how to let anyone in. Everyone I relied on let me down and abandoned me when I needed them the most. It hurts so much when that happens and all I can do is "soldier on" as my grandfather said when I was little. Appearances were all I have but I want so badly to have someone who can see me behind all that. It would be nice to have someone in real life who just tries to understand.

 

[Pencil]

Anonymous, glad you're back! Once again, ditto to everything you said. Soldiering on is what I'm good at, while wanting a real connection SO badly.

Hope your computer cooperates, as I would like to talk about this. And apologies for hijacking your thread.

 

[anonymous]

Isn't this sad, posting anonymously on an anonymous forum and I still can't open up. For me it just keeps driving home the point of this thread. I don't know what to do or how really to respond.

To answer a few questions, it wasn't my decision to stop therapy, it was my therapist. I only have coverage for short term sessions. I have tried taking classes and joined clubs in the past. Mostly people join up with a spouse or a friend and they just sit and talk to that person, there isn't a lot of mingling. My therapist was trying to form a walking club in the spring but couldn't find anyone other than me that was interested, she couldn't even find the time to do it. All the other walking clubs I have checked out only meet during the week, when I am working. I could join a gym but I can't afford it and it is mainly solitary work.

I don't know how to break the ice with people and it makes me sad to go to events where people take friends or family and I am the only one there alone. When I do drag myself out even servers who are smiling and chatting with other people are silent with me. I have no idea how to make that change.

I don't think I mentioned that I have had PTSD all my life but I was only recently diasgnosed. A lot of things now make sense to me about how I reacted to stuff in the past. Like so many others on here, I don't know a "before" and "after" trauma, there was no "before".

 

[DharmaGirl]

Its not sad, anonymous, its taking a baby step. I wish I knew what to say, or how to fix this. I don't. When you have attachment issues every little thing the other person does is important because it may contain some kind of rejection. This is hard to get past. I have a friend that I've known for 6 years, and I am still looking for signs she's going to reject me. I am hoping that eventually therapy will help with this but until then I will get my support here.

 

[anonymous]

I have had a lot more replies to this thread than any I have started using my real username. I posted this here because I do feel really depressed. I have a major thing happening to me today and I don't have anyone I can call to help me through it. I have to face this alone and probably again in a few months because my doctors don't talk to each other and will schedule the same procedures without any coordination.

I am on medication for depression but not what the psychiatrist wanted to give me because her first choice reacts to the pain medication I am on. It doesn't even help me sleep anymore and my depression just seems to be getting worse. I can't see her again for another month. I hate this feeling. I wish that this being alone was all in my head but it isn't, it is the life that I don't know if I will ever be able to accept.

I don't want to know how to get supporters, because that will never happen, how do you pull yourself forward? How do you muster the strength to do it when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry? How do you go through things that other people take friends or family to help you and even nurses are surprised when you you arrive alone? When they feel exasperated, some don't hide it very well, because it means you will need a few extra minutes of thier time. When some of them send you out to catch a cab and you can hardly stand up straight and one of them mutters," you should have brought someone". How do you hear that when you know there is no one you could have called? How do you live as a loner in a world that expects people to be with someone? How do you live through this when you know your life would have been so different if there weren't real life monsters out there masquerading as people?

 

[Britt.f7]

I think it is rude that the lady muttered that. I would have told her I have no one. That would have shut her up.

It sounds like your depression is talking. I only think this because it sounds like my depression when it talks to me and it often does. When I've felt alone, I've pulled myself up by the bootstraps and went on. Not so easy to do, but, really, what choice is there. I've had people around me who could probably have helped but I didn't want to bother them or didn't think they would really want to. Some of it is definitely perception.

I have no doubt that you feel alone and you may very well be alone, but things change. You have to be willing to take the chance and let people in your life. Yes, it is scary and you just might get hurt, but, how will you ever know unless you reach out?

I'm sorry you felt you had to be anonymous and that you seem to be getting more posts this way but it could just be is that this is a post people relate to. I think most people don't want others to be alone or to feel that way. I could be wrong.

Listen, I am a fairly cautious person. I am hesitant to reach out and am having difficulties doing so. I know my situation is not going to change until I start making some changes.

As far as your doctors, try and make them get on the same page. It took me a long time to find a group of doctors, who did not know each other, to get all their stuff together. No need in getting the same tests, bring the results or have the doctors send the results to one another. Speak up. It's your health. You have the right. I'm fortunate, but it didn't come about until I started speaking up. I have a multitude of health issues. I had to make my doctors get on the same page. At least your psych doctor is trying, though she should see if your health doctor can come up with an alternative pain relief that they can agree on for your health.

I feel for you I really do. I hope I don't sound harsh because I do not mean any of this that way.

 

[Abstract]

I am glad you came back! And I am glad to hear you do post threads for support. I was going to ask you that directly. Because we can't get support until we ask for it. Unfortunately that can be terrifying of course. I know it has been for me many times. Asking and not getting feels so much worse and devastating. It also felt exposing.

Sadly, at a certain point, I realised that if I did not ask then that was one guaranteed way of not receiving.

So either "feels safer not ask and get no help" or "risk open up and possibly get help".

The other thing to consider is if you are more open in this thread. For me when I am anonymous or when I don't know people and I know they don't know me I feel more comfortable and it is easier to risk.

I am sorry that was said to you. :( I imagine that hurt a lot considering that you feel the lack of support so much.

Depression is a truly terrible thing. I heard someone describe it as having mud coloured glasses on and I think that is a very definite part of it. Along with the physical and mental pain and paralysing lack of energy. The world and everything looks hopelessly black when I am in the space. Not that being out of it makes it all OK but there is a special brand of despair that comes along for the ride with this.

It is wrong that there are real life monsters and noone should have to find that out.

The thing that helps me the most to deal with all of this is radical acceptance. A very hard concept to embrace I found but extremely helpful for me.

I hope the pain and darkness lift a little for you.