What do you do with jokers and degraders?

[Changing4Best]

There is this guy who moved into the building where I live and also goes to the Senior Center where I socialize (and work also: I am a Senior Companion to a man with Dementia there).

This joker is constantly making comments with sexual overtones and innuendos, also has made up this whole story about how *I* am marrying my boyfriend (NOT!) and even went so far as to tell the acting building manager that I am getting married! He reminds me to take my birth control pills (I am past childbearing years) and in general makes a real pain in the neck of himself often.

I had to write a note to the acting building manager (and include the manager also) to let them know that one, this guy is a joker and two, I am not getting married! I hated to have to do this, because the guy might have been joking when he said he told the acting building manager that I was getting married. So I had to explain in the note that I was not even sure if he had in fact said this to them. (I got no reply from the managers, so I don't know if he was just joking about having told them this or not).

This fellow also has a nice side. He gives me newspapers when he is done reading them. He told me that he took care of his mother for 15 years before she passed away. When I am alone with him, waiting for the Senior Center bus, he is very pleasant and does not joke around. It is only when we get on the bus or get to the center that he starts in with all his inappropriate jokes and such. He is especially obnoxious when he is with other men.

He picks on this other poor fellow as well. He calls him a "home wrecker" because the man had a crush on a blond married lady, before he found out that she was married. Now he no longer has feelings for her, but this joker is always calling him "home wrecker" and teasing him about his 2 ex-wives and always pointing out blond women to him, saying he should go for them. The man does not like this, so whenever this joker starts in on me, this man will join him and ask me why I am not answering the joker or something. (I think, just to keep the joker picking on me and thus not on him)!

I'm sick of both of them. I resent being treated like this, but I know that if I complain, the joker will just up his game and pick on me more. He is relentless and I know he won't back off no matter what. I even went so far as to complain to the Director of the Senior Center, and she gave us all a lecture about not picking on (or teasing) one another. It did no good. He carries on just as if it never happened.

I try to ignore it, but it puts me in a bad mood! And then, if I am not careful, that can affect others. It is hard to hide a bad mood.

So how do you handle jokers and degraders? Do you joke back? Pick on them?? Do you ignore??? Or what????

 

[Kintsugi]

That's not a joker; that's a jackass, and he's harassing you.

Have you tried saying "Stop harassing me?"

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Next time he's acting like an ass in front of everyone, perhaps you could tell him you're no cactus expert, but you know a prick when you see one.

Follow that comment up with mentioning how nice it would be to not hear him harass everyone all the damn time and mention how old it gets and how it drains the life out of you and the others.

By doing so, you might give the others courage to speak up, too. If not, at least you'll make your true feelings known and will have made him very clearly aware, very directly.

I would have a hard time accepting kind acts, such as accepting a newspaper, from someone so intent on delivering so much bullshit the rest of the time. Too many mixed messages to someone who's operating like that is only asking for more drama, in my opinion.

At the bus stop, I'd limit my communication with him to a simple greeting, unless he takes your and the other residents concerns to heart and decides to stop being an ass.

Good luck.

 

[Friday]

When I am alone with him, waiting for the Senior Center bus, he is very pleasant and does not joke around. It is only when we get on the bus or get to the center that he starts in with all his inappropriate jokes and such. He is especially obnoxious when he is with other men.

So it sounds like he's modified his behavior around YOU, it's his interactions with other people that are pissing you off? Or does he direct his behavior towards you once he has an audience? <<< Two totally different answers depending on yours.

 

[Changing4Best]

He directs his behavior towards me differently when he has an audience, yes. Privately he is pleasant and unoffensive. It is a puzzle to me.

 

[Changing4Best]

That's not a joker; that's a jackass, and he's harassing you.

Have you tried saying "Stop harassing me"...

No, because that would just encourage him to harass me further. I can tell that it gives him great pleasure to annoy and upset people. It is his "game."

 

[ladee]

When you are alone with him and he is being cordial, why don't you ask him then, why he is so rude to you in front of others ?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Tell him to knock it off the next time he does this in front of others and then disconnect from him and avoid him. Good luck.

 

[Changing4Best]

I cannot disconnect from him. There is no getting away from him. We take the same bus, we live in the same building, we go to the same Senior Center, disconnecting from someone who is uncontrollable is impossible. He will continue to do what he does, I think, no matter what I do! It is so frustrating. I feel like I felt back in 6th grade, when all the boys in the class decided I was ugly and I stank. There was no getting away from them either. I was a sitting duck, and I seem to be one now too. I see no logical way out of this but to sit there and "grin and bear it." And I just HATE to have to do that.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I would encourage you to not grin and bear it if at all possible. That's likely one of the reasons he still does it if everyone is just grinning and bearing it and sending complaints to management instead of addressing him directly. Who knows how management truly chooses to handle these things?

Will any other tenants speak with him, too? Can a couple of you invite him for tea and just be honest with him? It may simply be how he chooses to cope with what he's dealt with in his lifetime and is unaware of how he comes across, which is why I suggested returning a little of what he dishes out right back to him. We live what we learn and sometimes need things to be translated to the only language we've ever known before it clicks.

I used to shock many of the professionals I worked alongside when I'd speak to students in their familiar street lingo and such. However, I was one of the most effective in communicating with them when the shit hit the fan as well as in inspiring meaningful results when it came to self-improvements.

You may not be able to disconnect physically since you have to share many common spaces on a regular basis, but you can disconnect energetically by clearly and directly stating your feelings, setting healthy boundaries by letting him know what behaviors are not acceptable, and choosing not to let him keep renting space in your head. It still may not change the behavior on his end, but not because you didn't clearly communicate on yours. That's the point I would involve management and request a community mediation, especially since so many others are affected too. They may welcome a proactive approach to strengthen the community.

I know it's so much easier said than done. I still struggle with it myself depending on the person violating my boundaries. When we can't change the outer circumstances, even after clearly stating our boundaries to leave no room for doubt, going inward is all we've got. Unfortunately, for many of us, the inner terrain is even scarier than the outer so we often get stuck in many indecisive ruts.

 

[Changing4Best]

I suppose that "BULLY ME!" is stamped on my forehead, because he does not do this to everyone, just the fellow I mentioned above and me. He occasionally picks on others, but not often.

I have given him his own medicine many a time. He just turns it back onto me artfully and goes right on doing what he does best, insulting and teasing and harassing....

You are right in saying I have to change ME. I know that, but like you say, it is very hard. I have been bullied in my life many times, from my father's father, who also molested me, to my father, who emotionally abused me throughout most of my childhood, to a "friend" I met online that decided that even though I was married, he was determined to bed me (couldn't get rid of him no matter what I did, couldn't convince him I wasn't interested no matter what I tried) and then there was my boyfriend, who raped me. I finally completely got rid of him, by moving 600 miles away. But his memory still haunts me to this day, every time I see a man that resembles him in the slightest! No, being bullied and abused has been a way of life for me since as far back as I can recall. I have no clue as to how to change that!!!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Been there lived that, too. Wherever we go, no matter how far away, there we are. I hope you can find peace with it so it doesn't drive you crazy. I can imagine it makes it hard to feel comfortable in the space you live in. Bullies suck.