What Do You Think Of Being Mental Healthy As We Can Be Vs 'recovery'?

[Tinyflame]

it would take me awhile to take the mask off. THEN we could get to work. So much of the time I just let the thoughts just do their thing... run amok and scream and do what it does.. it isn't going to happen, I'm not going to kill myself, no, those people really do like you, blah blah blah to infinity....That is part of who I am.. a busy mind. It's not right or wrong, it just is.

This is huge, to me, as well. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

And @Muse , I think there is sooooo much unknown. about ptsd, yes, but also everything. I think as humans we have tendency to think within (& judge within, too, often) a very narrow box. Like looking at a small lake & imagining that's all there is to the Earth, Heavens/ Space (& beyond).

I find it hard to express myself too, but there is something important enmeshed within this, I think, that is larger than denial, or conformity, or identity, etc. I just can't identify it. The potential worth of our being, something? :confused: It's within what @Simply Simon & the others are saying, & @ladee is doing/ living.

 

[Tinyflame]

Seems it just gave me more space to just be ok with the broken me.. There is no shame in being broken.

I still think this is huge.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Not reading through the replies and just speaking for myself, this is how I see it.

I also have severe chronic pain from falling off a ladder 3 stories & landing on my lower back/butt area. Im 34, 35 next month, and back mid last year I was told that I would loose my ability to walk & work in as little as 5 yrs. Coming back to that in a min but chronic severe pain is VERY depressing by itself as i cant ride a bike, walk my dog, or sleep in my own bed.

I have not just PTSD but also BPD, GAD & possible other diagnosis...im sorta numb to that..."oh another diganosis, ok...". I am "programmed" or whatever. The cult still controls me, which is starting to piss me off...to have automatic thoughts, beliefs, behaviors and if fought i go straight to wanting to jump in front of a train. Like whats that about anyway?

My therapist, while my health insur therapist was MIA (to ok to cover me another year though i have unlimited visits...dont ask)...but there was a hole in coverage and my therapist had to send an appeal and he told me that on that appeal he wrote that I may have to be in therapy for life! :wideeyed:

So now i got severe chronic pain that I'll poss loose my ability to walk & work in as little as 5 yrs, still cant sleep on my bed, ride a bike, or walk my dog. Have BPD, PTSD, GAD & possible other diagnosis. "Programming" where it feels these automatic thoughts & beliefs dictate my behaviors & if fought im right away on the edge of wanting to find a way to die...and might have to be in therapy for life.

So what do I do? I aim for the best possible future life; both near & distant that I can...whether its just having the best medical & mental health I can or full on recovery, that not even my therapist can answer...but I call it recovery.

11/11/15 I had a pain pump put in that hasnt yet gotten me back in my bed but its close. My other goal is to be able to run my dog on my bike but I will never be out of pain and i will eventually loose my abilty to walk but I can take back as many yrs I can. Oh and I also have a thyroid that has nodules that need to be biopsied and many other health issues.

Mental health, obviously therapy, 2 mental health sites that I generally post the same threads on the double the effort and made a Admin friend on the other one that understands cult programming & is working me through the DBT book I have. I also read and research a MASSIVE amount of stuff, do the CBT thought record (or try to as it tends to make me mad) that JL gave me, and the negitive core belief article that Anthony gave me...along w/ talking to my 'inner child' in an attempt to eventually grieve "her".

So is full recovery possible for any of this, likely not but in my opinion, to aim for the best medical and mental health possible is aiming for recovery.

Thats just my 2 cents.

 

[Tinyflame]

That is a hard road to travel @lostforgottensoul . :( And I agree, pain- acute as well s chronic, really sucks out energy. Even SI can be associated with pain fatigue. And I think I realize feeling sick makes everything harder to manage.

I think what I'm wondering is this: is it possible to do all that we would normally do to manage or improve, but while dropping guilt & shame & self-reproach or self-rejection? I too once nearly accidentally killed myself following 'good news' (improvement); that taught me to watch for insidious self-sabotage.

But (thus far) stopping smoking with the vape allowed me to drop or stop all the feelings of failure and hopelessness & self-disgust. Not just because it was successful, but just leaving that part out has been really a great relief in itself.

We would be doing what we always do to work on 'recovering' (daily & long term) but without the baggage that's so weighing. Not the shame, guilt, despair, self-reproach. Like the difference between painting under strict guidelines of expected finished product vs just painting for fun. Same end result desired but way different conditions.

Similarly, to be broken & that's to be expected (it's not a crime), vs broken & that's intolerable as a thought. Because we could also look at it as, "Wow, bad experiences, made it through, way cool". What a different way to view ourselves, not thinking about not being where we want or think we 'should' be in terms of recovery, but instead seeing how far we've come & living (doing the same things for recovery) but without thinking of 'recovering', specifically. Not reframing, more like re-focusing.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Junebug yes chronic pain makes everything harder but on my non "i hate myself & want to die" days...you know what I think about? What can I do today to get closer to being 'well'?

There is no way on hell that I can look towards being completely 'deprogrammed' and completely well. Thats way too far from my reach and if i were to make leaps like that, i wouldnt get anywhere.

So i make daily goals. Weekly goals...but thats as far as i can look. So this week im gonna, for example, try my damnest to get my imagined 'safe place' back after i lost it after my last tailspin.

During a tailspin its "how am i gonna get through this" and after its "what did i learn".

Keep in mind that its a marathon, not a sprint and hopefully at the finish line is the best medical & mental health "us" that we can be...possibly recocery, possibly not.

To me, dropping the self hatred, self anger, guilt, shame...and many other things are all a process. I cant just drop it. I have to learn how to drop it first.

Basically, i do as much as i can, but not too much to be overwhelmed, in the baby steps to 'wellness' or 'recovery' but everything is a process. Even learning how to be nice to myself is a process. Im learning everything is a process.

Does that help any? Not sure im really answering your question any.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I remember when the psychiatrist informed me there was " no cure" for PTSD and it struck me as an odd thing to say.

1. It was negative to say the least, like saying, "Just accept the fact you're mentally and emotionally broken and always will be."

2. PTSD is not a disease or some kind of brain abnormality that just happened because of some chemical imbalance and they haven't found the right pill to fix it yet.

PTSD is the result of trauma to the system. Depending on age when the trauma began, the repeatition, length of time and the intensity have an impact what PTSD is and what needs to take place so it can be managed.
A person brutally beaten and robbed could be diagnosed with PTSD and with some good therapy move past it.
That is not the same as a soldier who has been deployed, maybe repeatedly, to an active war zone after being trained how to keep it all inside and focus on the mission. Sometimes that mission is simply staying alive while witnessing horrors or even committing what they later perceive as horrors because at the time they are no longer the person who first went there and there is no going back to that person once they return home. They have to deal with whatever and find a new them that they can accept.
Then there is the child born into an abusive life and their brains develop differently because their reality is different. Today most of these kids are given medication which alters their brain even more. I guess I'm lucky in that respect since I was born long before the Adderol age. That I was self medicating by the time I was 11 - 12 maybe earlier if you count food is besides the point *wink*

PTSD is the result of the shit life gives us to deal with.

How we do that is life's journey.

Everyone, EVERYONE is on their own life journey. Once we reach a certain age the journey is a series of choices.
The choice might be to live life suffering as a victim or it can be to do whatever work is necessary to find the you who accepts and learns and develops a sense of self who is self forgiving, self compassionate and comfortable enough to make choices they know are right for them because they know who they are.
They will also help others to do the same. The journey is a lifetime because the Journey is Life.
Some of us are on a more challenging path. I tumble down the rabbit hole and there are moments I just want to stay there say f*ck you world I'm crazy because I was placed in the care of crazy people. That becomes a drag and eventually I climb out because I know staying there will make me miss the good and fun moments. I deserve those but I have to be open to them.
Crazy.... maybe, but those other crazy assholes won't define me. I will choose my own crazy. I will do whatever work is necessary and one day I will love every bit of my crazy self. One day, because that's the journey I choose.

No cure for PTSD of course not. Life is not a disease and neither is PTSD.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

there are moments I just want to stay there say f*ck you world I'm crazy because I was placed in the care of crazy people.

I second that...thats about every day when i throw all my books across the room and just say "f*ck it! Im f*cked up for life!" But then do i really want to be f*cked up for life and let the cult control my brain for the remainder of it, how ever long that is? No! Its just f*cking hard and pisses me off that i even have to take control back of my own brain.

Also dont forget comorbilty isnt a disease either, its the "gift" we were given due to f*cked up people!

Crazy.... maybe, but those other crazy assholes won't define me. I will choose my own crazy.

I should read this EVERY DAY! You go Alice!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I guess ptsd is part of me. Irregardless, I hope to aspire to be graceful. Thoughtful of others, thoughtful of myself would be healthier too. Recovering from the recoverable, assimilating of what remains.

 

[Changing4Best]

I like the idea, but I think it is just a matter of semantics. I am well on in my treatment (beyond 10 years) and I see myself as mostly mentally healthy with a bit of weirdness thrown in for good measure. None the less, I was not ever able to hold a job for more than 4 months at a time, so I see that as a sign of the fact that I was not mentally healthy back then when I could have worked. I am retired, on Disability now, and have been since 2002. I don't see my job history as mentally healthy. I see it as a sign of a wounded soldier. None the less, I do contribute to society in my own ways these days, by praying for others and being a good listener, among other things.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @SheilaKathy you contribute in a very important way. :hug: (Thank you for the prayers, xox).

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think it is just a matter of semantics.

I see it as a semantics issue too. I mean if we are going into the direction of being as sound medically & mentally as possible, isnt that the same as going in the direction of recovery?

Not sure what full recovery is anyway, I think its different for everyone. Like the same thing as saying what is normal. In my opinion anyway.