Dear Nabii,
I've had PTSD for a very long time, I saw most of my family killed in front of me in war and I've been tortured for a long time after that, just to let you know and compare, though in a part sometimes it's not good, no matter how large or "small" bad things that happened to you are, they are all big, they are always too big. Compare them in that part that if I could get better, you can too. Even if your trauma is worse, of course. It is totally normal to be totally screaming from inside, even all the time. For whatever happened, if you feel like that, it is like it is, and that's okay.
In my case it helped a real lot to open myself, even getting close to good people, one by one, then as I told my story slowly bringing it to life more and more to other people, I have released a lot of pain and many memories don't haunt me any more, it took years to retell the story and I got good at telling it faster and with more details, I have written many detailed chapters and scenes about things that have happened back then, also I've written songs about them too (if you search Selisi Rigow on youtube you can find some things), I had drawings and paintings too... but of course that way is easy for me since I'm very artistic.
You should use whatever way suits you the most to express yourself, tell everybody (not really everybody, those who can understand, of course), basically you should feel that you opened yourself and shared all the pain with everybody in some way. At least in my case that was the biggest relief of all.
I used to have nightmares almost all the time, I still do but now it's much lighter, especially that I can say to any friend, on that nightmare day casually "oh I dreamt that war again" and leave it behind and the day feels alright and baggage-free; I used to have strong periods of intense realistic flashbacks, including pain from the tortures and everything, fear comes back at situations similar to the war ones that scarred me (example: the way the space is lit, the way someone speaks), I used to get so easily totally blocked, I couldn't move, I was clenched in fetal position against a wall or in a corner, trying to hide, in pain and fear, sweating and all, and today I can't remember when something like that happened last time, though I do stutter from time to time still and sometimes I still can't talk.
Well sorry for the long reply but it all just came out as it is, I hope something can help, I know expressing myself is my best way to heal, though maybe others have different ways. No matter what, if you wish I am totally here for you if you need someone caring and loving to chat/mail/talk to, since even that I don't personally know you I know I do always wish to help. :)
I've had PTSD for a very long time, I saw most of my family killed in front of me in war and I've been tortured for a long time after that, just to let you know and compare, though in a part sometimes it's not good, no matter how large or "small" bad things that happened to you are, they are all big, they are always too big. Compare them in that part that if I could get better, you can too. Even if your trauma is worse, of course. It is totally normal to be totally screaming from inside, even all the time. For whatever happened, if you feel like that, it is like it is, and that's okay.
In my case it helped a real lot to open myself, even getting close to good people, one by one, then as I told my story slowly bringing it to life more and more to other people, I have released a lot of pain and many memories don't haunt me any more, it took years to retell the story and I got good at telling it faster and with more details, I have written many detailed chapters and scenes about things that have happened back then, also I've written songs about them too (if you search Selisi Rigow on youtube you can find some things), I had drawings and paintings too... but of course that way is easy for me since I'm very artistic.
You should use whatever way suits you the most to express yourself, tell everybody (not really everybody, those who can understand, of course), basically you should feel that you opened yourself and shared all the pain with everybody in some way. At least in my case that was the biggest relief of all.
I used to have nightmares almost all the time, I still do but now it's much lighter, especially that I can say to any friend, on that nightmare day casually "oh I dreamt that war again" and leave it behind and the day feels alright and baggage-free; I used to have strong periods of intense realistic flashbacks, including pain from the tortures and everything, fear comes back at situations similar to the war ones that scarred me (example: the way the space is lit, the way someone speaks), I used to get so easily totally blocked, I couldn't move, I was clenched in fetal position against a wall or in a corner, trying to hide, in pain and fear, sweating and all, and today I can't remember when something like that happened last time, though I do stutter from time to time still and sometimes I still can't talk.
Well sorry for the long reply but it all just came out as it is, I hope something can help, I know expressing myself is my best way to heal, though maybe others have different ways. No matter what, if you wish I am totally here for you if you need someone caring and loving to chat/mail/talk to, since even that I don't personally know you I know I do always wish to help. :)
