What does safety mean to you?

[Interiority]

Hi everyone. I’m struggling with the concept of safety. I’m a CSA survivor who endured multiple forms of childhood abuse for many years with different parents and caregivers. Perhaps I have never felt safe to understand what it feels like. What I’m wondering is if you do not feel unsafe, does that automatically make you feel safe? Or is there something additional that makes for safety - something definable in its own right beyond not feeling unsafe. What does safety mean to you and feel like? And has it evolved for you over time in your healing? Thank you!

 

[Teamwork]

I will join you in this struggle. I sometimes move towards my t but then hesitation sets in and I ask him if it is safe to be that close to him in proximity. He says we carry our safety with us. I’m in the what does that mean? Phase and I kinda go well then nowhere is safe. I also don’t like that exercise where they say to imagine a safe place in your mind because when I do that I could not say it out loud because he would not find that to be safe. He’d classified it as the old, like thats an old memory. So I don’t really have an answer for you other than my own conundrum of never experiencing it and not knowing it.

 

[Kubash16]

Safety is complex, I’ve found. For me, no I’ve never felt truly safe until very recently and for a very brief time. I haven’t felt necessarily unsafe in a really long time and I confused that for feeling safe.

My home environment is far from ideal at the moment and contributes heavily to my lack of feeling safe. But I didn’t fully realize that until I ended up in the hospital. While there I discovered a new me. A me that really did feel safe.

Are there things you can identify in your current situation that may contribute to the lack of true safety?

 

[Sideways]

What does safety mean to you and feel like?

We talked about ‘safety’ in our trauma group therapy just last month. And it was pretty mind-blowing to me just how much meaning we all attached to the concept.

To me, ‘safety’ is not much more than a low risk of harm. The more stuff I attach to the word, the more mythical the concept becomes. So I keep it simple.

That definition could blow out massively if you start thinking about what ‘low risk’ means, and what ‘harm’ means. But I think the thing to keep in mind is that not knowing what ‘safety’ feels like? Is pretty much part of the pathology of having ptsd. So, trying to know what it feels like is probably beyond me. My amygdala is on overdrive, in a constant state of “the world is NOT safe” - that’s pretty much ptsd in a nutshell.

But I can learn how to objectively assess situations more realistically to figure out the level of risk. That isn’t going to necessarily make me feel safe (because my amygdala is set to “Not Safe”), but it can help me function better while I work on re-setting my amygdala.

In the meantime? Knowing what safety feels like is a bit like knowing what walking on the moon. People could describe it to me, but that’s probably as close as I’m going to get to knowing what it feels like right now.

 

[Ronin]

What does safety mean to you and feel like?

Mean: I can estimate and reduce the risks of harm well.

Feel: (insert a very pissy toddler drawing, all over the place, finished with a big question mark that turns out an exclamation one instead) ... as in I have no clue.
Not being buggered by what and who is around me, at the time? Maybe.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm a CSA survivor too. When I was married, I felt safe, because he was a black belt in Judo. If he was home, I felt safe. He always treated me in the most gentle way, so that helped too. I even felt safe sometimes when he was not at home, because I knew that folks knew he would make them pay the price, if they messed with me. Now that he is no longer alive, I have a friend/ neighbor who makes me feel safe sometimes. He has a permit to carry a weapon and he watches over the building I live in. I also make sure to lock my door whenever I am home and at night I also bolt it. These things and people help, but also I pray for safety. That helps too.

 

[Friday]

Not dead yet! :sneaky:

Safe can feel like a lot of different things, just like love, excitement, fear, & fury can feel like a lot of different things. It depends on the context that I’m feeling them.

Safety IS a feeling, not a reality... so for me it’s both a fleeting thing, and often a contrary thing. I can feel safe in the most dangerous situations, as well as the exact opposite; and that feeling can change between one breath and the next. Doesn’t mean it’s not real. A flash of joy is just as real as profound and enduring happiness, and neither of those things require happy circumstance. Feelings don’t have to reflect reality to be real. That’s half their charm. The danger, as far as I’m concerned, is the attempt to use feelings as a looking glass to see the world. How I’m feeling doesn’t affect reality, it affects how I deal with reality, and the world I shape around myself.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am not sure.

if you do not feel unsafe, does that automatically make you feel safe?

No. ^^ More like 'neutral'.

.. is there something additional that makes for safety - something definable in its own right beyond not feeling unsafe.

I think so. ^^

As others have alluded to, safety/ unsafety may be as regards physical harm, but I think also emotional, psychological, financial, and in other ways. I am not good at words, but I would say 'unsafety' (for me) involves a lived awareness of the possible consequences or fall out, knowledge of the potential long and far reaching effects or debilitization (and not feeling able to go through it again); the loss of more of what makes one's self 'themself'. It is far beyond relief, and greater than anxiety in the way of feeling or seeming to be on the cusp of occurring, and can't be prevented or avoided. Also perhaps an element of not knowing how bad it's going to be, or expecting it (should it occur) to be devastating. Or the consequences to be devastating, including decisions made or trust given before realizing the danger was there.

(I do personally feel since nothing can be predicted, or anything can happen at any time, there are no guarantees of safety in any given moment, but that is life.)

I can't really describe safety, except to say maybe the opposite of the above: having a sense of resources (and practical ones, +/or deterrents or stop-gaps ) when in the path of physical dangers; financial resources or physical resources (people), to help when one cannot help themself, or to turn to or provide safety; predictability, with earned trust, for safety from emotional harm (integrity of the people around, and care vs harm).

I think relief to me is more like getting home, when it seems it's impossible and the day will never end, and the gratitude that comes with that. Whereas safety is more like the feeling that comes when you don't believe it;s possible to get home, but you realize you are home, and that home (and you in it) are free from all concerns of harm. So I suppose it means feeling protected, secure, and free from doubt and debilitating or horrible worries of the present or future, based on what's been learned from the past. Like being in a rowboat in a storm is a very different feeling (and reality) than getting to a dock (if it's not submerged), and different again to getting in to a secure shelter. Or versus there being no storm at all. Whether that be physically, psychologically, +/ or emotionally.

I'm sure this could be said in a shorter or simpler way. :( Knowing in your heart it's ok, or because of who, what, where you are or what you have it will be ok, and truly trusting in that. That to me would probably be safety. A feeling of relief in, or confidence in protection from harm, in all it's forms.

Which written like that, sounds pretty unrealistic. But some things are impossible to control whatsoever; some things are bad luck; some things are not within the realm of immediate change (financial resources, or family). Other dangers are interpersonal, and some are because of lies or betrayal. Safety to me is also when those are not present, so it may be fleeting but is still real, at least for a (those) moment(s).

 

[EveHarrington]

If you’re talking about safety in terms of not harming yourself, then it’s not just a feeling, it’s a state of being.

“I am safe because I am not going to harm myself.” In this sense you can feel unsafe but be safe in the sense that you aren’t going to harm yourself.

I think this is a common question in trauma programs, and it’s intent is to determine if you are at risk for self harm and need extra support/attention/care.

If you’re talking about feeling safe, that’s different. My sense of feeling safe is so skewed it isn’t even funny.

 

[Tinyflame]

After having a lousy sleep and up every 2 hours and restless and un-nerved, I think this:

That definition could blow out massively if you start thinking about what ‘low risk’ means, and what ‘harm’ means. But I think the thing to keep in mind is that not knowing what ‘safety’ feels like? Is pretty much part of the pathology of having ptsd. So, trying to know what it feels like is probably beyond me. My amygdala is on overdrive, in a constant state of “the world is NOT safe” - that’s pretty much ptsd in a nutshell.

and that when (my) brain even goes to answer the question, it sets in motion a chain of biochemical arousal, or heightened fear. Even though I wasn't thinking of the topic (so I thought), at all.

So a feeling of safety is the absence of that. And knowing (or letting one's self know, believing) safety is there. And maybe gratitude for it, and permission to feel it, and without doubt or second guessing or analysis?

 

[Interiority]

I will join you in this struggle. I sometimes move towards my t but then hesitation sets in and I ask him if it is safe to be that close to him in proximity. He says we carry our safety with us. I’m in the what does that mean? Phase and I kinda go well then nowhere is safe. I also don’t like that exercise where they say to imagine a safe place in your mind because when I do that I could not say it out loud because he would not find that to be safe. He’d classified it as the old, like thats an old memory. So I don’t really have an answer for you other than my own conundrum of never experiencing it and not knowing it.

Thank you for your honestly. My t said to me that maybe I could depend on her a little to keep me safe. I have no clue what that means or would look like other than what we are already doing. The struggle is real and continues I suppose. Best of luck to you.

Safety is complex, I’ve found. For me, no I’ve never felt truly safe until very recently and for a very brief time. I haven’t felt necessarily unsafe in a really long time and I confused that for feeling safe.

My home environment is far from ideal at the moment and contributes heavily to my lack of feeling safe. But I didn’t fully realize that until I ended up in the hospital. While there I discovered a new me. A me that really did feel safe.

Are there things you can identify in your current situation that may contribute to the lack of true safety?

Thanks for your response. Things in my environment that feel unsafe include a narcissistic x-husband who I share children with and a high stress corporate job. I’m so glad you discovered a new you that feels safe. Best wishes to you.

We talked about ‘safety’ in our trauma group therapy just last month. And it was pretty mind-blowing to me just how much meaning we all attached to the concept.

To me, ‘safety’ is not much more than a low risk of harm. The more stuff I attach to the word, the more mythical the concept becomes. So I keep it simple.

That definition could blow out massively if you start thinking about what ‘low risk’ means, and what ‘harm’ means. But I think the thing to keep in mind is that not knowing what ‘safety’ feels like? Is pretty much part of the pathology of having ptsd. So, trying to know what it feels like is probably beyond me. My amygdala is on overdrive, in a constant state of “the world is NOT safe” - that’s pretty much ptsd in a nutshell.

But I can learn how to objectively assess situations more realistically to figure out the level of risk. That isn’t going to necessarily make me feel safe (because my amygdala is set to “Not Safe”), but it can help me function better while I work on re-setting my amygdala.

In the meantime? Knowing what safety feels like is a bit like knowing what walking on the moon. People could describe it to me, but that’s probably as close as I’m going to get to knowing what it feels like right now.

I think you make a great point. Maybe survivors have attached to much meaning to the concept of safety and it’s become too high of a standard to meet. I’m not sure I would know it if it bit me in the behind lol. Thanks so much for your response. I hope you can at least not feel unsafe soon.

 

[Interiority]

If you’re talking about safety in terms of not harming yourself, then it’s not just a feeling, it’s a state of being.

“I am safe because I am not going to harm myself.” In this sense you can feel unsafe but be safe in the sense that you aren’t going to harm yourself.

I think this is a common question in trauma programs, and it’s intent is to determine if you are at risk for self harm and need extra support/attention/care.

If you’re talking about feeling safe, that’s different. My sense of feeling safe is so skewed it isn’t even funny.

I’m talking about safety in terms of feeling safe. I don’t self harm. To feel safe - especially psychologically safe - what does it feel like? That is my question. It sounds like from everyone’s answers it can be very different for different people. Thanks for your reply.

After having a lousy sleep and up every 2 hours and restless and un-nerved, I think this:



and that when (my) brain even goes to answer the question, it sets in motion a chain of biochemical arousal, or heightened fear. Even though I wasn't thinking of the topic (so I thought), at all.

So a feeling of safety is the absence of that. And knowing (or letting one's self know, believing) safety is there. And maybe gratitude for it, and permission to feel it, and without doubt or second guessing or analysis?

“And without doubt or second guessing or analysis” - very well said. That is the hard part for me.