What does truly "being yourself" mean to you?

[Ecdysis]

Not quite sure where to put this thread...

So, today the topic of "being yourself" came up and like many here, when you grow up with trauma, "being yourself" is either not an option at all, or it's something very rare, or even done in secret.

I realised today that by growing up like that, it's become second nature to me, to always "not quite be myself" because that's the safer option. Always be a version of myself, that's acceptable in a given situation.

For the first time today, I truly realised that I live my life like there's a secret "me" inside of me but all I ever show to the world is like an "avatar" version of me.

It's almost the real me, but not quite. It's like I've got a built-in, automated, subtle level of depersonalisation that keeps me safe, but also keeps "me" away from me by like at least 6 inches and if things get dangerous, then even more, naturally.

It's like my brain has unlearned that truly "being myself" is even an option... cos that's just fundamentally not safe.

It does give my life that slightly weird avatar/ depersonalisation feel to it tho... Hmm...

 

[Movingforward10]

I think it's so hard to know who we are if we have grown up adapting to the environment we are in. I suppose, that happens to everyone to a degree? But is more pronounced for those with trauma.

I don't know what truly being myself is. Because there is a confusing mix of things not feeling real, and different messages/feelings about the same thing. So what is real? What is 'authentic'? Is there a one true self?
I don't know the answers to that.

Would we have been different people if we hadn't had trauma? Does that make who we are not our true selves?
I see what happened to me as part of me as I don't know who I would have been otherwise. I know I have hobbies and interests and likes and dislikes. I know I also adapt and hide and present versions of me that don't correlate to what is happening inside. Idk.

This is a big topic @Ecdysis !

 

[arfie]

for me, i think being myself equals spontaneity. no second guessing myself. no need to psychoanalyze myself at every turn. just stop, plop and off you go. admitting freely when i am human enough to make mistakes and freely making amends when needed.

 

[Ecdysis]

equals spontaneity. no second guessing myself.

I agree... and I almost *never* do that... There's always that element of observing myself and "controlling" what I do because that = safety.

@Movingforward10 I agree it's a big question and I doubt there's "one" right answer to it, because that couldn't cover all the complexity and different layers. Still interesting to explore it tho. And I do get a sense that there are ways to feel more one's self...

 

[user27357]

family scapegoat here. Mom died, dad git religious and married a narcisist with two kids, i was expendable and left home early. Between trying everything to survive in the new family and then learning quickly to survive out side of it, I was better at being adaptable and a skilled actor than i was at being me. I left home when i was old enough to fill out a w2 tax form. 50 plus years and i did ok but when was i allowed to be me? Gonna retire and try it out i think

 

[Ice_Fire]

This is a well timed topic for me because it's exactly what I've started working on in therapy.

As said above; when we've grown up within trauma, our true selves never develop in the first place. How do you be yourself when you don't know who that is or what it looks like?

I have hobbies and interests which I've slowly been exploring and expanding upon. Things that bring me peace and/or joy. Things that feel 'right' as opposed to performed or gone along with. But it's hard to find new things because I haven't known where to start.

Other things as well, more everyday things. I guess again it comes down to feeling at peace. Of not being on parade for others. Which has meant, for me, a period of starting over. Literally. Ended relationship, changed city, therefore also changed job and flat and everything. Do I feel 'myself'? I don't know. I'm struggling with the concept of what 'myself' is. But do I feel like I'm doing life on someone else's script? Not anymore so that's a start.