What Does "working On Shame" Really Mean/look Like?

[barefoot]

I think that shame is also connected to self blame and it's hard to feel love for ourself whilst also feeling responsible for what happened, even if the logical part of our brains knows that this is not true

Yes, I'm struggling a lot with this at the moment too. To the extent that I created a denial brainstorm to take to yesterday's session because I wanted to talk about this confusion I have between <knowing> deep down that I can't be wholly to blame but then somehow being unsure of what to do with that, so I return to the idea that I am to blame....even though I know really that I'm not... If that makes sense? My head is whirling round and round with this whole thing, so I thought I'd take it in on a sheet to show her and talk her through. Unfortunately, it turned into another miss, like the shame sheet. She know what I was meaning and said she understood and knows that it's hard. When I asked her at the end of the session if it was possible that we could work on helping me "rewrite the story" so that I could do something useful with "it wasn't all my fault" so that I didn't then always return to my default setting of "I was too blame." She said it was a big question and she didn't know. And then said we had to finish as we were overtime.

So, yes, I agree with you that shame and blame feel very connected. I just keep coming up against brick wall after brick wall at the moment when I try to bring this stuff up with my therapist. Frustrating!

 

[I_will_recover]

My old T used to say at the end of heavy sessions (they all seemed heavy to me) to be gentle with myself. After months of hearing this I told her I didn't know how. I found this on my own:
http://www.theglobaljewels.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/11WaystobeGentle1.jpg

 

[saraemerald]

Yes, I'm struggling a lot with this at the moment too. To the extent that I created a denial brainstor...

I am too.
But think of this as well. The people who abused us, especially when we were young, were definitely, without a doubt, in the wrong. Most of the time, when an abuser is blaming you for something or shaming you, it's because they are putting THEIR shame on you. And when we are kids, and the shaming is coming from an authority figure or parents, we end up absorbing that shame and feeling like we are somehow in the wrong. And then we carry that shame into adulthood and still feel like something is wrong with us and we end up hurting ourselves. That's sooo sad. And it's all because someone else is targeting us with all of THEIR sh#t and baggage and crap.

 

[Teamwork]

I struggle with this concept too. Mine says to speak kindly to myself. I've also looked it up. It's one of those things where we need to feel proud of ourselves for looking it up to understand it instead of feeling shame that we have to research this at all. Some talk about it as this, that we know how to be kind to others and need to extend that to ourselves. I've spent a bit of time with that idea and have come to realize that I don't express kindness much to others in words but in actions, so I'm working on the word part. What does it sound like. I keep looking it up from time to time and am slowly learning. Like having that cup of coffee and a feet up break every day at three is kindness to myself.

 

[traumaWisdom]

@barefoot that would be really frustrating when you're ready to talk about something and it doesn't happen. You've probably already tried this by starting the session with the most important thing to discuss. I often found that I needed to be clear with what was important to me in a counselling session or I'd be lead down another path by my therapist's questions.

I also found parenting my inner child was another way to rewrite my story. When I stood up for the 6 year old it made me feel less like a victim and more empowered. Journalling and drawing were also helpful to make sense of what was my story and what was others.

 

[Marymickaela]

I just returned to the PTSD site after being gone for probably 6mo's and saw this and had to respond. I didn't read thru all the responses, but a lot.

I just turned 66 and have been ashamed of so many things I especially did in my younger years. I am now with an EMDR therapist and have made more progress with her in 18mo's then all the others in over 12 years. I've been able to open up about my shame and process it with EMDR shedding so many tears I'd have excruciating headaches from crying. I think I'm starting to see that I need to forgive myself. I can't undo what I did, can't apologize as the worst happened in my 20's and I don't even remember the person's name to ask for forgiveness. So, I told my Tdoc recently I thought it was time to forgive myself, which I'm working on. The shame is lessening and the tight noose I've had wrapped around my psych is slowly loosening. It's time to move on and enjoy what time I have left on this earth, as right now the only person I'm hurting is myself which hurts my family due to my ability to function as a normal wife, mom and grandma.

 

[The Albatross]

I stunk at the inner child thing... but I found I could endeavor to "re-parent" and grow a good deal with the idea of using my adult self to bring myself up to speed in areas I was stunted or twisted, or lacked coping skills. I did a lot of "work on shame" - but most of it had to do with using my adult mind to self examine if this was part of my familial dysfunctional role, or something that was really mine to begin with.

Many threads have been written for and against forgiveness, but yeah, to work on shame I employed forgiveness with an adult mind for myself and some others.

At some point I recognized that I could keep piling it all onto my own shoulders but eventually I would cave/crack/fall down from the weight of it if I kept to my course.

I've been reading along on this thread, and I really am not at all sure I have an answer to "what does working on shame" mean... It meant to me that the hardwiring was disconnected, and though there are times I feel shame, it has much less to do with the past, and more to do with my actions/lack of them or situations in the present.

 

[barefoot]

I haven't managed to get my head around this thread lately so have fallen behind with replying to more recent posts. But I have read all your responses and appreciate all your shares, insights, suggestions and encouragement.

At some point I recognized that I could keep piling it all onto my own shoulders but eventually I would cave/crack/fall down from the weight of it if I kept to my course.

This resonates with me because I think this is where I'm at now. I think I can acknowledge now that giving myself a hard time (including blaming myself) for everything is familiar and what I always do so, in a way, it is easy. But I think I can now see that it isn't actually serving me very well - and it's getting in the way with moving forward. But, even though I can now see that, I don't really know what to do with that or how to use it.

I thought my therapist would bite my hand off for this "revelation" and jump on what we can do together to move things forward. But it turned out to be a bit of a miss where I think I'm revealing something majorly significant and she shrugs it off and says she doesn't know if it's possible for us to "rewrite the story." It feels very frustrating at the moment. But maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what's possible?

 

[The Albatross]

Behavioral coping mechanisms are not static/stuck... they can be improved. It is good barefoot that you can see that your way of coping is maybe outmoded. For a couple to a few years I think I called it "a more generally beneficial" thing. Cuz I was trying to stay out of old tapes/past maladaptive patterns and grasp the idea that whatever had happened, what ever my parents couldn't prevent or did... that I was an adult now and could endeavor to make no bigger hash out of it than they did.

 

[barefoot]

I often found that I needed to be clear with what was important to me in a counselling session or I'd be lead down another path by my therapist's questions.

Yes, I often find that I have something in mind that feels important and I want to address it/share it/tell her something and then I find it hard to say and then I end up chasing down some random rabbit holes that she has steered me down!
The last few weeks have definitely made me think that I give her so much power in sessions - and I do give it, she doesn't just take it from me. And that realisation in itself feels shameful too. And makes me feel stupid. Reminder to self for self-compassion!

 

[The Albatross]

I think it would be important to realize that you give it, she does not take it ... the "feeling stupid" is optional. Feelings is blowback a lot of times to hardwiring and not based in present. Feelings are not necessarily facts, right?

 

[saraemerald]

I haven't managed to get my head around this thread lately so have fallen behind with replying to more...

Shame is what has brought me into therapy. I personally hate shame even more than all the painful abuse I have endured. I feel like I have to fix myself or there is something awefully wrong with me. Shame is what has turned me into a perfectionist. And then when I am a perfectionist, I feel better about myself. But when I fall short ever of being a perfectionist, I apparently turn against myself.
I also know that I felt shame over things I did when I was a kid but was able to move past that by being a goody two shoes for many years thinking it would improve my life or make me a better person or get me somewhere but apparently left me suddenly sabotaging myself and confused. If I made a mistake in my childhood, it's OK with me, but if I make mistakes in my aulthood, my life feels like it is over. My shame unfortunately revolves around unwanted intrusive thoughts that I never EVER wanted in my head in the first place... It pisses me off. Ugghhh....!