What If This Is As Good As It Gets?

[CCurry]

Why do I keep hearing that from people? What if this is as good as it gets? What are they talking about it, I can fathom that thought.

When I met my bf almost 4 years I told me he had ptsd but honestly I can tell you that ptsd never got in the way of our relationship. I knew he startled very easily but that was it!

Through his therapy they were able to determine that his flare up started again while he was in Haiti last year for 6 weeks.

I'm really having trouble with this whole concept that maybe life won't get any better than this, if working hard in therapy is what he's doing then this doesn't make any sense to me. He's promised me that he'll be putting in 600% effort and that we'll be happy again. The way I see it he's pulled himself out of the gutter before and I have faith that he can do it again. Without hope, how do I/we go on?

 

[Deleted member 541]

IMHO...If he is stubborn, and is using that to help him beat this, then things will get better...I firmly believe that a person with PTSD needs to be stubborn, and willing to push with everything that they have to get through this, and come on the other side...It isn't easy, this is one bastard of a fight, because PTSD fights us back harder than ever. It tests our limits and then some......

PTSD will always be in the picture, to varying degrees....It's how we deal with it that's important......His 600% will pay off, but it is going to take time....Please be patient.....

 

[eyebiter]

You go on one day at a time...take the little things, that are going right and be thankful for them. Hopefully you will start to see the little things improve so that there are more good times than bad. I just had a weekend where my wife said it was so nice to work together without fighting over nothing...that is huge for me WOW... never thought the day would come again for me but hard work and and making a concerted effort worked. I know I have a long way to go but one step at a time will get me there.

 

[JimmyJames902]

It's probably a reflection of how I've been feeling lately, but I often think along the lines of, "what if this is as good as it gets?" Part of this feeling comes from comparing how I "used to be" before PTSD, and "how it actually is" after PTSD. Before I went full-blown PTSD I was happily married with a good education and a pretty good job; lost it all. IMHO, I honestly believe that in the broad strokes its all denoument from here on out. My job nowadays is to bear it all with as much grace and dignity as I can muster.

I think it depends, in part, on the quality of life you had before PTSD and how much you've lost since the onset of PTSD. I was in my mid-30s when the PTSD went full-bore and had been living a full life. Fifteen years later, my life is really quite different than it used to be. I can say that I've had periods when the PTSD kind of goes into "remission" for a few months, but then a trigger will set it off again.

I'm not trying to upset anyone here, I'm just being honest.

 

[bonnecanyon]

My therapist told me to stop "comparing" - that's hard to do.

 

[maria]

There are many varieties of PTSD, all of them painful. You don't say what the origin of your bf's PTSD was. That makes a big difference in the amount of recovery hard work will bring. If he suffered his trauma as an adult, he can improve a lot. If the trauma was as a child or teen and it was only one incident, still pretty good. If the trauma started in childhood and was of extended duration, he might be able to control some of the symptoms, but that's about it.

I can understand how it's hard for you to know what we're talking about not being a sufferer yourself. I'd recommend you take a look at Tony's essay about multiple diagnoses on the home page. While it's his vent on people being wrongly diagnosed and over-medicated. it will give you a good idea of what some of us suffer.

Perhaps you have seen people write about CPTSD or complex PTSD. That's what I have, and hardly a day goes by that I don't wonder if I can go on like this. Hopefully, with a little better understanding, you can be compassionate towards those of us here who are in really bad shape.

BTW, aren't you the person whose bf moved out? If you are, I'd say his PTSD is affecting your relationship.

maria

 

[CCurry]

Hi All,

Thanks for your replies and yes Maria it is me whose bf has moved out. Initially he moved out as he didn't want to hurt me when he disociatted but as I'm learning more the reason he hasn't been able to move back home is because I am his main trigger. He got his diagnosis in 2003 of severe ptsd all courtesy of the US Army, he was a career soldier of 23 years who climbed right up all the ranks and you can't do that sitting behind a desk. I'm his trigger because his trip to Haiti came suddenly just when we were in the middle of selling a home and therefore I was left doing all the packing and moving.......this totally stressed me out and in turn I stressed him out. I can't beat myself up about that, I knew nothing about ptsd then and even though he told me he had it, he also told me he was recovered. To me that meant, its taken care of! As I've told him, if I had known then what I know now we would be in a different situation. He doesn't blame me for it though because like I said I didn't know but my whining put so much stress in his life that he went into a relapse.

How do we ever put the pieces back together when I'm his sole trigger? I suppose the only good news is that his therapists have told him now that they know they have something to work with.

 

[maria]

If his trauma is service related, his chances of major improvement are good.

Did you know there's a forum specifically for service-related PTSD? You might want to try it.

Good luck,

maria

 

[CCurry]

If his trauma is service related, his chances of major improvement are good.

I don't know if I'm just being ignorant as I've only been researching ptsd for the past 5 months but I didn't realize that combat trauma had more of a chance of seeing major improvement then any other trauma? Please correct me if I'm wrong though? Like I said 23 years in active combat zones and based on a letter that I found tucked away in his night table was the most highly decorated soldier since Vietnam according to some military personal whose looked into his military background and once again I say that he didn't get those medals from sitting behind a desk. I guess I'm repeating myself here, I just don't understand what the difference really is in terms of where your trauma comes from?

In terms of the service related ptsd forum are you talking the one that Anthony set up, the Combat forum? If you are I don't have access to that other than just read their posts.

My biggest issue right now is there is a direct link to why he's triggered by me and his combat experiences. It hurts me to no end to know that he can be with others and spends so little time with me because I trigger him and I'm welling up as I type this because it is very difficult to know that I do this. And I'm hoping that with therapy he'll be able to be desensitized to his trigger (me).

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear CCurry,

I'm not sure if this helps but I have a slightly different perspective than what has been mentioned so far.

I have lived with ptsd for 26 years. I am finding that triggers have less to do with the actual person or item (or smell, sound etc), as they have to do with a feeling. Being triggered by you could be because of an association (of you) to stress; but just as possibly could you be a trigger because of feelings he has towards you of caring for you, etc. I can only guess, but if some of his combat related triggers are associated with great loss, his fear of a "loss of you" could evoke the same feelings in him as he experienced through combat. That would/ could come from realizing that he cares about you more. (And something inevitable if that is truly so and he has now had to be apart from you, i.e. move out).

I think that "working 600%" on his recovery and symptom management, speaks volumes. It's a very good, motivated, responsible start.

 

[CCurry]

Junebug, what you said about his association to me to stress while he was away directly links to his combat helplessness and how guilty he felt about that. Now it makes sense that when he was driving over here a couple of months ago he would become physically sick without understand why and of course now it all makes sense once that link was discovered in therapy. Good call Junebug and yes we both are comitted to staying together as he promises to work very hard to recover.

 

[Paloma]

I have been offline and did not know your bf still is out of the house. So sorry for that...but glad you and he are making progress. I think that the helplessness and guilt association is probably right on. But he is courageous guy willing to tackle his fears. I believe you will make it. FYI my therapist has me doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It is helping me with day to day symptom management. Maybe it is already discussed somewhere here. It is based on buddhist type mindfulness exercises and handling emotional regulation and distress. My burden is chronic PTSD and I have to accept I have some deficits and wiring kinks that will always be with me. But I want to know how to cope with the symptoms and triggers and fright/flight/fight stuff. This is helping so far.