Childhood What Is Child Abuse?

[oasis2003]

I have an attachment disorder. My mother was depressed throughout the crucial times of development . My mirror neurones were not met properly. She is manipulative and superior in her attitude. There was no unconditional love everything was conditional to her requirements so mainly emotional abuse. However she did hit me several times when I was not perfect enough for her requirements. Abuse making them feel better or superior than the child. The thing is ptsd symptoms developed with me and realised that there was an abusive relationship there. She does not have the hold on me any more. I am suffering grief as to what I thought was a loving relationship but has emerged as an unstable abusive one. Luckily I have a stable relationship with my husband he is my rock . You don't realise that it is abusive until you explore the symptoms. After all it is your mother they are supposed to love and care for you not use you to make them feel better and superior and putting you down .
My medical traumas which are comparable to torture were all due to her manipulations too.

A tickle to make a child laugh for them or a tickle for the adult to get some thrill out of it.

In my case I was inferior to my mother as far as she was concerned I was put on the earth for her use what ever it was. Sorry cynical I know but true I am afraid .

 

[hodge]

I hear you, Oasis. My mother actually told me once that she had us so she wouldn't be alone and would always have someone to take care of her.

 

[Suzetig]

In Scotland it is illegal to smack a child.

In Scotland it's illegal to use an implement to hit a child, or to hit them in the head or shake them but smacking isn't in and of itself illegal. The law was introduced to give some clarity about what was and wasn't considered "justifiable assault" but has really just confused things.

I think it's particularly pertinent when we consider how and whether a child understands their experience for example " my friends mum smacked him and it was ok, me getting battered must be ok too.

I know one of the things I really struggle with is behaviour that is unacceptable now but wasn't that uncommon when I was young, when domestic violence wasn't considered to be an issue outside of the home and children would be belted at school never mind at home. While my parents abuse of me would still have been recognised as unacceptable at that time, for me growing up they just seemed to be a bit harsher than my friends parents. Actually they were very harsh in their use of physical discipline. I distinctly remember fearing for my brothers life at the hands of my dad and that being the first time I thought my parents were abusuve. I was 17 and had previously been beaten unconscious by my dad on several occasions. I wonder if part of recognising it is seeing that it's not ok for someone else and then seeing that it wasn't ok for you either.

 

[void]

I think this is very interesting and in no way offensive.

I can see that all types of abuse are cultural...

It is not only girls which are 'initiated' sexually by an adult.
There have been 'groups/tribes' where male children are likewise treated and it is accepted.
Of course, ALL cultures have pedophilic violations of the social norms, for both male and female.

Eg. Tribe where adult male/female coitus could only occur for 11 days per year....the other 354 days of the year adult male on juvenile male sexual contact was the norm. Male to female sexual contact was 100% forbidden for the 354 days.

 

[Ellabella44]

Acceptable Dicipline making sure the child realizes that they did something wrong without humiliating them and or causing bodily injury. For me that included telling them "I love you but I dont love your behavior" and when they were younger, time outs for all of us.

Battering is leaving bruises on the child especially in places it wont be seen. Bruises so bad on your butt because you were "taught a lesson" with a yardstick until you got what you deserved, and all day you squirm in your seat because sitting hurts. Being given slaps over and over for talking back and voicing opinions until your lips bleed.

For me this happened for years until my step father got my hands with the yardstick and the school saw the bruises and called child services. My mother would slap me and hit and use the yard stick on me, the person who is supposed to love me. And she approved when my step father did the same.

I dont know how she couldnt see it was abuse having had similar from her parents. I did.

Sometimes playing with other children can become an assault. I hated it when two of my cousins realized I was a girl, and the older one had a right to have me. Its a game when its tag, Its an assault when an 8 year old girl is chased by two bigger and older boys through her house screaming and laughing about raping her. With only my younger brother at home to defend me by closing the door to rooms i ran in as they unlocked each one.

Correcting a child in front of others becomes humiliation when you pull that childs pants down to spank them in front of the rest of the kids in the playroom on Christmas day, and then drag them past all of the relatives in the kitchen to stand in the living room (with more family) and stare at the christmas tree because you talked back and tried to stop her from hitting you.

Correcting a child that isnt humiliation is taking the kid aside and having them sit alone for a while.

I was a latch key kid when I was 10 so I guess inependance would be allowing kids to go somewhere with a set of rules that must be followed or they are not allowed to go next time their friends ask. these days most kids have a cell phone. you go somewhere ..you call.

 

[Lucycat]

but smacking isn't in and of itself illegal.

Yes, I am sorry. You are quite right. There was a campaign to make it illegal but it was unsuccessful.

 

[Suzetig]

Yeah, sadly society still wants the right to hit little people when they don't do what they want them too. The campaign is still rumbling among in the background but I don't think there's the political appetite behind it.

I do think though it leaves a huge grey area when trying to figure out what is and isn't abuse because the legal framework is so sketchy.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Tribe where adult male/female coitus could only occur for 11 days per y

What tribe is that @void?

 

[Lionheart]

Sorry, I hope I am not interrupting the convo, I just wanted to say that I think that anything other than unconditional love might be considered abusive to a child just because it is the one most needed requirement for healthy development.

Also, being in the same room when your parents are fighting, simple neglect, emotional or physical abandonment, being overly critical of a child etc.

When a spanking turns into a beating it is abuse.
When touch purposely leads to unwanted sexual arousal of a young child or minor, it is abuse.
When scolding a child publicly leads to humiliation it is abuse.
When you witness the beating and rape of your mother it is abuse.
When you are hit in the head because it is your bedtime, it is abuse.
When used as a sexual "toy" for someone else's pleasure with no regard for your well-being, it is abuse.

I don't know I am just rattling off things from the top of my head but, I can tell you I have suffered and struggled with most every type of child abuse that I am aware of and I hope I have added something of value.

 

[Lucycat]

When a spanking turns into a beating it is abuse.

I guess my point is what is the line between the two? From the point of view of the child - rather than an outsider -when does a 'normal' spanking become abuse. I can see both ends of the spectrum, but when is the line crossed from one to the other.

 

[Lionheart]

That is a very good question and in my case, it was when they chose hairbrushes, shoes, belt buckles, and fists to hit me with.

 

[void]

What tribe is that @void?

@Cj77
Sry I don't recall.
Was in Africa.
I read an ethnography about them decades ago.
I wish i could tell you more...sry:sorry::sorry::sorry:

I looked for about an hour, but can't find it.:(