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Beer. And the lack thereof.
Dude. I need a beer.
Dude. I need a beer.
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What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?
- Post starter bobeara
- Start date
The fact that in recent days I can feel the anxiety in my body as an upcoming stressful event next week approaches. Additionally, I am shocked that the specialized person who I hired to support, guide and enable me just lashed out in an email in response to my preparatory questions. This was in the most unprofessional way, in what feels like last-minute betrayal and abuse. This comes in the context of work stress, family stress and relationship stress. Plenty of triggers here.
This feeling, I guess it's caused by adrenalin and cortisol. I can describe it like a slight 'effervescence', an almost-fizziness in my body, in my limbs and chest and breathing. I am not shaking but if there was dial from 1 to 5, and the shakes start at 4, I guess I am on about 2 or 3. I have insomnia that peaked about a week ago (with a distressingly violent dream, following by a peaceful and uplifting dream).
I won't go into details about the upcoming event, but it has huge financial implications, is highly complicated and could go either way. That itself would be enough to give many people 'butterflies' but there are other factors making this worse. To some extent this is a post-traumatic relapse.
I am an expat in a different culture, where the idea of professional courtesy doesn't exist as it does in the Anglophone world; in fact the customer is often considered beneath the 'expert' in terms of hierarchy, which is why so-called experts here so often mess up, because they can always blame the customer so tend to feel unaccountable. From my Anglophone cultural background this feels utterly wrong and abusive, but I can't complain as I chose to live here for its advantages. I have to find a way of dealing with it, no matter the shock.
If the person I had hired communicated according to my cultural norms, this situation might be way easier for me. But I am going to try to tell myself that the behaviour is something that almost everyone here says is an unpleasant aspect of their own culture, everyone has to suffer this, I am not the only one. If I want to own this, it might be helpful to interpret this situation in terms of vulnerable narcissism. No, I am not being specially abused - when this abuse is standard. This understanding might help me cope.
Metaphorically, say there's a boy on a WWII front line, he's got the shakes, trench foot, low on ammo, and is about to get sent over the top. His incompetent, abusive officer is screaming at him because he asked for water. Every other soldier on that front line is in the same situation. He tells himself to shut up, find a puddle and drink from that; mentally prepare for the charge, for looking out for barbed wire, for staying low and moving fast.
A pretentious, self-indulgent metaphor, maybe. I am infinitely more privileged than a boy on front line. But I am the son of a man who was just that. Dad was a civilian infant on the front line of urban combat in WWII, and the soldier guiding him to safety was shot dead in front of him. Later, still a child, Dad was maimed when he unwittingly picked up an unexploded detonator that blew up in his hand, sent two fingers flying and covered him in shrapnel. Dad loved me and he was also a rage-aholic who raised me with regular binges of explosive rage, from when I was an infant.
That was traumatic, and I can overcome this. I must mentally prepare for the charge.
This feeling, I guess it's caused by adrenalin and cortisol. I can describe it like a slight 'effervescence', an almost-fizziness in my body, in my limbs and chest and breathing. I am not shaking but if there was dial from 1 to 5, and the shakes start at 4, I guess I am on about 2 or 3. I have insomnia that peaked about a week ago (with a distressingly violent dream, following by a peaceful and uplifting dream).
I won't go into details about the upcoming event, but it has huge financial implications, is highly complicated and could go either way. That itself would be enough to give many people 'butterflies' but there are other factors making this worse. To some extent this is a post-traumatic relapse.
I am an expat in a different culture, where the idea of professional courtesy doesn't exist as it does in the Anglophone world; in fact the customer is often considered beneath the 'expert' in terms of hierarchy, which is why so-called experts here so often mess up, because they can always blame the customer so tend to feel unaccountable. From my Anglophone cultural background this feels utterly wrong and abusive, but I can't complain as I chose to live here for its advantages. I have to find a way of dealing with it, no matter the shock.
If the person I had hired communicated according to my cultural norms, this situation might be way easier for me. But I am going to try to tell myself that the behaviour is something that almost everyone here says is an unpleasant aspect of their own culture, everyone has to suffer this, I am not the only one. If I want to own this, it might be helpful to interpret this situation in terms of vulnerable narcissism. No, I am not being specially abused - when this abuse is standard. This understanding might help me cope.
Metaphorically, say there's a boy on a WWII front line, he's got the shakes, trench foot, low on ammo, and is about to get sent over the top. His incompetent, abusive officer is screaming at him because he asked for water. Every other soldier on that front line is in the same situation. He tells himself to shut up, find a puddle and drink from that; mentally prepare for the charge, for looking out for barbed wire, for staying low and moving fast.
A pretentious, self-indulgent metaphor, maybe. I am infinitely more privileged than a boy on front line. But I am the son of a man who was just that. Dad was a civilian infant on the front line of urban combat in WWII, and the soldier guiding him to safety was shot dead in front of him. Later, still a child, Dad was maimed when he unwittingly picked up an unexploded detonator that blew up in his hand, sent two fingers flying and covered him in shrapnel. Dad loved me and he was also a rage-aholic who raised me with regular binges of explosive rage, from when I was an infant.
That was traumatic, and I can overcome this. I must mentally prepare for the charge.
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Teasel
VIP Member
Housework
Friday
Sponsor
Poetry & Lasagna & Cashews & Japanese & Stars & Hot coals on cold sands by the sea… and a whole lot of other things… like if we take all the creation myths, worldwide? The details vary, but the overriding theme remains the same : This isn’t our planet. We came here, from somewhere else. Somewhere with, clearly, a longer than 24hr day. As we’re all fawking tired, and never gave enough time during the day to get shit done.
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LizAllison
New Here
Showing my dad this morning and he agreed
VioletButterfly
Diamond Member
How very badly our healthcare system is broken, and how maddening and heartbreaking it is to deal with.
VioletButterfly
Diamond Member
@Rose White - My face looks like that most days. It certainly has each day this week! This organization doesn't seem to know what HIPAA is. Ummmm, someone(s) about to get an education real fast by Friday. This butterfly is done playing it polite.
VioletButterfly
Diamond Member
A year ago today, I was riding out Milton which blew into Florida that evening just after I'd been discharged and dumped off at my apartment after having had major surgery. Gotta love a ministry-led healthcare system. The irony is not lost on me, but that's another story that's still playing out.
What's on my mind right now is everything that led up to the surgery and what has happened since. It's been intense and every other scary adjective you can think to add to describe having a life threatening health situation that just keeps giving, even now. Yep, that mixed with gratitude and a renewed sense of wanting there to be a purpose to all this that is greater than myself or my suffering. Maybe that's what keeps me fighting. Working on this....
What's on my mind right now is everything that led up to the surgery and what has happened since. It's been intense and every other scary adjective you can think to add to describe having a life threatening health situation that just keeps giving, even now. Yep, that mixed with gratitude and a renewed sense of wanting there to be a purpose to all this that is greater than myself or my suffering. Maybe that's what keeps me fighting. Working on this....
VioletButterfly
Diamond Member
The exercise room must be graced with my presence tomorrow. No more procrastinating. Unless I'm falling over with side effects, I will be biking and on the elliptical. I've set the intention. Fly little butterfly, fly.....on a wing and a prayer.
Paladin_141
Gold Member
Lot on my mind. Thoughts racing and swirling around in there.
Christmas.
I haven't spent one away from home since the kids were born.
I could possibly get home in time, but it would mean abandoning my friends here and I can't really believe I'm even entertaining the idea. I can't decide if it makes me a coward or a narcissist.
It's bonfire night back home. I missed that and the kids always love going to displays and things. Ironically, the artillery was all quiet here, which I found unsettling after so long with the constant background noise of explosions.
My parents are unwell, my father rather seriously.
I am very tired. Sitting playing with the fire and trying not to just collapse in a puddle of snot and tears.
What even am I?
Christmas.
I haven't spent one away from home since the kids were born.
I could possibly get home in time, but it would mean abandoning my friends here and I can't really believe I'm even entertaining the idea. I can't decide if it makes me a coward or a narcissist.
It's bonfire night back home. I missed that and the kids always love going to displays and things. Ironically, the artillery was all quiet here, which I found unsettling after so long with the constant background noise of explosions.
My parents are unwell, my father rather seriously.
I am very tired. Sitting playing with the fire and trying not to just collapse in a puddle of snot and tears.
What even am I?
VioletButterfly
Diamond Member
Rough going right now - a lot is happening and soon to happen. Wet wings make it difficult to fly. Trying to keep it all as simple as possible.
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