I wonder if I will ever merit the consideration of anyone ever considering how I feel and why, vs just being the one they blame, the one who's thoughts they think they know and why, and that they think are doing a favour to discredit or forgive? 😔
I wonder if all the little creatures I find indoors and take back outside (crickets, moths, baby snakes, etc.) were actually trying to get away from something outdoors and now I've made things worse? Hmmm...
I had heart-to-heart conversations with members of my family who have passed on and I am just thinking of all the blessings I have had in my life, all the fond and happy memories, all the struggles overcome, etc.
So many that are in need, and
thoughts for real first time in a way of of much of what has gone on past weeks, and
no way to stop for above ^^ , as afraid, re: pressures, uncertainty, demands at work, impossible workplace trying to ignore/ deny for requirement the 'impossibleness of it'.
Feeling overwhelmed with worry for my nephew. I've learned he is struggling majorly with a meth addiction. Got a call from him today while he was under the influence that was really strange - he never calls me for anything. He called two other family members, as well. But he hung up on all three of us before we could find out where he was, and ever since, he won't answer his phone or respond to texts. No one knows where he is or how he is.
Him disappearing for a couple days has happened before, as well as being stuck without a place to live, etc., but it seems he keeps going back to the meth for help rather than reaching out to other avenues. I can only imagine how shitty he feels in the midst of it, because I remember how I felt while struggling with other various addictions throughout my life.
We've repeatedly tried to steer him in healthier directions with phone numbers/rides/addresses for folks who could genuinely and professionally help, but he won't go there. I can't let myself get but so involved or I risk my own health. I feel pretty helpless in what I can do to help him, especially since we have no clue now where he is, how he is, etc., etc. My what ifness brain and heart are exhausted.
My gut told me to check the local jail website after I logged off here - and that's where I found my nephew. He was arrested for simple assault on a DOC/Fire/Rescue staff and maliciously setting fire to woods/land. I thought I'd be relieved to find out where he is, but not so much. He's been there before, and now has two more felonies to add to the list. f*ck. 😞
Aw dear @Tornadic Thoughts . 😢 Hugs and I will be pulling for him and you all. (((((((Tornadic Thoughts 💓💕 )))))))))))
Not really on my mind, but learned some researcher's definition of trauma included being left with, and included, overwhelming helplessness, isolation, and broken connection, to people, God, nature, family, relationships, one's self. And that it can also affect being able to say no/ stand up for yourself/ boundaries, freezing. Ugh, can't find the words easily.