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What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

Thanks, @bird_on_a_wire . (((Heart hugs in return))))

On my mind now is the feelings of anger/guilt/uneasiness/sorrow/etc. of my brief and troubled communication with my 30 yr. old nephew earlier today, as he's coming off the meth high, and trying to forgive myself for saying no to signing off on thousands of dollars we simply don't have to spare/throw away if he splits/doesn't show for court to post bond. It's a super shitty feeling and I can't even imagine the shittier feelings he's experiencing in feeling trapped in there and like no one has his back to help him out. Each thought cuts like a knife. I still don't know the story of what actually happened to land him there - and he didn't even try to explain - just repeated the charges were bullshit and he needs to be out to prove it.

He went straight to what I call the guilt trip zone by saying, "Well, if you all "want" me to stay in here for years and years, then fine, don't do it, but you're just gonna have to trust me and get me out so that I can prove the charges are bullshit." But he couldn't tell me what any of his actions to begin doing that would look like once he's out, and he once again has no place to live, as his g/f just recently kicked him out, and his wages are garnished for multiple debts along with child support, so there's no money for attorneys, and his car is supposedly broken down with no money for repairs. Everything in my gut is telling me not to even think about trying to put up bond - and I'm listening to it, as I always regret it when I don't. And it makes me sick to my stomach to feel that way, for many reasons. Damn, this is hard.

We've already spent many thousands in the last several years, collectively, on trying to help him get his basic needs met, get some solid footing and plant some roots, help him get back and forth to work, help him pay his child support, help with food, gas, glasses, dental, medical costs, etc., etc. I quickly learned giving cash always resulted in stories of it being stolen as soon as he got it - after asking him if he took care of the issue he said he needed the $ for - so I gave directly to the bill collectors, got gas cards, grocery cards, or would give fresh veggies/homemade goodies/gift cards and such when we had extra.

Each and every time he gets this deep into trouble, he blames someone else and then promises he's going to go get help, but doesn't follow through - other than making a few initial phone calls, then saying they weren't helpful, and stops seeking beyond that. We end up working harder than he does to gather phone numbers and info. Have I/we been enabling rather than helping all this time? Apologies for such a long post, but it's what is on my mind, weighing heavy as hell, so I had to type it out to make some room up there. I've never been incarcerated, but I have been homeless, desperate, alone, and scared. My heart hurts so bad for him.
 
Thanks, @bird_on_a_wire . (((Heart hugs in return))))

On my mind now is the feelings of anger/guilt/uneasiness/sorrow/etc. of my brief and troubled communication with my 30 yr. old nephew earlier today, as he's coming off the meth high, and trying to forgive myself for saying no to signing off on thousands of dollars we simply don't have to spare/throw away if he splits/doesn't show for court to post bond. It's a super shitty feeling and I can't even imagine the shittier feelings he's experiencing in feeling trapped in there and like no one has his back to help him out. Each thought cuts like a knife. I still don't know the story of what actually happened to land him there - and he didn't even try to explain - just repeated the charges were bullshit and he needs to be out to prove it.

He went straight to what I call the guilt trip zone by saying, "Well, if you all "want" me to stay in here for years and years, then fine, don't do it, but you're just gonna have to trust me and get me out so that I can prove the charges are bullshit." But he couldn't tell me what any of his actions to begin doing that would look like once he's out, and he once again has no place to live, as his g/f just recently kicked him out, and his wages are garnished for multiple debts along with child support, so there's no money for attorneys, and his car is supposedly broken down with no money for repairs. Everything in my gut is telling me not to even think about trying to put up bond - and I'm listening to it, as I always regret it when I don't. And it makes me sick to my stomach to feel that way, for many reasons. Damn, this is hard.

We've already spent many thousands in the last several years, collectively, on trying to help him get his basic needs met, get some solid footing and plant some roots, help him get back and forth to work, help him pay his child support, help with food, gas, glasses, dental, medical costs, etc., etc. I quickly learned giving cash always resulted in stories of it being stolen as soon as he got it - after asking him if he took care of the issue he said he needed the $ for - so I gave directly to the bill collectors, got gas cards, grocery cards, or would give fresh veggies/homemade goodies/gift cards and such when we had extra.

Each and every time he gets this deep into trouble, he blames someone else and then promises he's going to go get help, but doesn't follow through - other than making a few initial phone calls, then saying they weren't helpful, and stops seeking beyond that. We end up working harder than he does to gather phone numbers and info. Have I/we been enabling rather than helping all this time? Apologies for such a long post, but it's what is on my mind, weighing heavy as hell, so I had to type it out to make some room up there. I've never been incarcerated, but I have been homeless, desperate, alone, and scared. My heart hurts so bad for him.
I'm sorry @Tornadic Thoughts that both you and your nephew are in that situation. It sounds like he needs professional help to get a hold of his life, (but he needs to do his part in finding it and engaging in it) and you must be heart broken. Such a bad situation. I have been incarcerated, homeless, desperate, alone and scared so I know exactly what it's like. My thoughts are with you. S3
 
Thank you so much, @Survivor3 . Your words mean a lot during this experience and I appreciate you sharing them. I'm sorry you know all too well what it feels like from his point of view. He definitely needs serious professional help way beyond what we're capable of offering. I hope some compassionate folks cross his path in there and help him get access during his stay and as soon as he's released, otherwise, he's likely to dig a deeper ditch as soon as he can bolt. His preliminary hearing is still 6 months away. Six months is a long damn time, and so is the time he's facing.

Part of me tries to convince myself that will be time to get his system clear of the meth, minus all the damage it's already done, but the heart part of me can't seem to accept that and still wants to jump in with both fists fighting to help in as many ways possible, but I don't think I can operate at that level anymore, especially after learning more about the story and many other facts each day. Such a heart wrenching mindf*ck either way I look at it. Both he and the system are tragically broken and I can't seem to find the instruction manual on how to help put either one back together again.
 
Dear universe, (and this comes from someone who doesn’t get this whole karmic - deterministic world view)
please give me the energy to handle patients, People, People in fear, People suffering with cancer, people will project theirs in to your space.. I’m drawing the lines, give me a little more of that ability to SEE, that people have their own nuances just like me, the separation is real and then again not. I’m a battery constantly re charging.. give me a little bit of superpower to get through these times.

Thank you.
 
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