Relationship What Is Too Much To Ask?

[Faith Hope and Joy]

For the sake of time I am just going to give a quick update. I read all of your posts and appreciate all of your imput.
The night after my last post I started staying with my mom. She has been great even though we do not have the closest relationship. She has 2 barking dogs and neighbors that are a snieze away. I am sleeping better but not excelent.

I had someone my husband doesn't know help me with getting all of the firearms out of the house. This person is keeping them safe and knows fully about the situation. We removed 16 firearms, a ton of ammo, 6 knives, 1 machette and a hatchet. It is better to know they are safe away from him but I am not overlooking that he can just as easily use himself or any other item to harm me.
I am still waiting to hear back from the prosecutors office. The process is way to slow. I have called every person I can and been shuffled around. It can take up to 3 weeks for the charges to go through.

I tried the police in helping me remove the firearms but they told me that they can only hold them for 2 weeks and then they would be released to whoever showed up to pick them up. They told me to permanently make them disapear by whatever means I wanted but they could not help me.

The church is helping in everyway they can. The Bishop has sugested a woman from our ward who needs a place to stay. She would make a good roommate and would be an extra buffer and pair of ears.

My husband has not tried to contact me in any way. It is very nice. He is supposedly still sleeping in his car in the middle of winter but I do not care. It is his choice. He has been offered places to stay and keeps declining. It is his problem not mine. I think he is just trying for the sympathy vote but it is not working on me.

We are not going to stay at home untill he is either in jail or I have another person to stay with me. I do not have internet where I am staying but I will update as often as I can.

Oh and I have started with a new counselor. I like her and she takes everything very seriously. She is a great support. Her goal is to help me heal not trying to work on my husbands an my relationship. Just work on me and my health. It is a nice change for me.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((FHJ))))))

So glad to hear you have support and some measure of safety!

 

[StandHopeful]

So happy to hear that FHJ. You need to work on you and your small family! (Kids are a great distraction!) So glad to hear you have people who are supporting you and looking after you. It helps to have a game plan and then have friends who can help you enforce that plan when you are "weak" (lonely, sad, empathetic and sympathetic, etc.). Thank you so much for the update. Prayers continuing to go your way and I pray the courts system starts moving faster for you!

 

[Eleanor]

FHJ, so glad you are in a safer place! So So SO SO Proud of you for being so strong and taking decisive action.

Sorry the courts are not moving fast - you did right to listen "between the lines" and do what they advised. As someone with a number of cop relatives - they will often tell you things if you are listening "right".

Hugs for you and the littlies. And thanks for the update - I've been thinking/praying for you. ((((FHJ))))

 

[Faith Hope and Joy]

Just a quick update. I still have not heard from the courts and I am still staying with my mom. It is getting harder and harder as the days tick on. I want so badly to be back at my home. From what I hear he is not doing very well. The lack of communication is taking it's tole on him. He is suposedly obsesing and is continueously calling our bishop to see if he has any news about me. I cann't confirm it because I have no contact with him or anyone else. The bishop will not tell him anything but is advising me that I should not return home yet. I agree.

I still wake up multiple times a night terrified that my husband is coming after me. It is getting better- very slowly- but I am wearing out. It is also getting harder to handle the sadness and disapointment that comes with realizing that your lifes intentions are not ever going to happen. I am very sad to know my kids will not have the father they deserve and that I will be alone when my son is born. I think the fear and shock are wearing off and the reality of everything that has happened is starting to become real. I have to say that it is very lonely. no matter how many people are there to say that I am doing the right thing and that they will help in any way they can- I still feal alone. I need a hug and not the kind friends and family can provide. I need a hug from my mate. Even though I know he has not been capable of conecting with anyone in a very long time I still wish.... Thinking about it I have needed that hug for months and months- knowing and needing are different things though.

My ex husband (the father of my older boys) is threatening to take me to court for "not keeping him informed". I told him if he wants to know anything he can call me and ask me instead of going through my kids and the courts. It is definately stress I don't need. He does this every so often just to make my life hell and he has the money to do it. Someday I am hoping the judge will just tell him off and make him stop but untill then.... I told him I obeyed the laws with informing him of anything that the courts require and that the rest is my business. I think he should be ashamed for harrasing a pregnant woman who did the right thing by getting out of a bad situation. He has always been a bully and I wish I could explain to him that he is just as much the reason it took me so long to get out as it did. I knew he would just use it as an opportunity to push me down again and sure enough he is.

Thanks to everyone for all of your support. It is far from over for me and I still need all the thoughts and prayers that you can send my way.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((FaithHopeJoy)))))

I am relieved you are safe.

For your peace of mind, I hope you'll stop people from relaying to you their interpretations of 'how he is doing' - a sociopath would play on their sympathies and try to exploit that social contact to manipulate you. It is not your concern how *he* is doing, as this is a mess of his own making and he is an adult who must live with the consequences of his own actions.

You deserve to put your full energies on doing things which lift your own mood during the day, strengthen your spirit, plan for your life and that of your baby and you. Anything you can do each day will help. Write letters to your baby about how much you want him. Write letters to yourself telling yourself how strong and wonderful you are.

The bishop needs to handle him and all the obsessive calls. That is the bishop's issue and he can sort it out. He has far more support and resources than you do. Let him take that on, please.

Have you been able to meet with a women's domestic violence advocate, or attend any groups for support? Al-anon would also welcome you. Getting out of the isolation with safe, understanding people is really important for your well-being.

I'm sorry to hear about your ex. It is wrong for any parent to manipulate children for information.

Hang in there. I'm praying and cheering for you!

 

[Eleanor]

((((((FHJ)))))) So so glad you and the kids are safe. It is really hard not being at "home" when you are pregnant - I wish I could call out the national guard to set up a perimeter around your house to protect you - alas the American public has not yet seen fit to elect ME president so I lack such powers... ;) Maybe you could dig a moat and pick up some crocodiles cheap?

On a more serious note - your ex is a jerk. Can you just ignore it? I know how this sort of thing can get under your skin - but can you just turn all the negative energy back at him and say "so sue me - we can talk in court. Until then I'm not taking messages."

You have more than enough to deal with with you and the kids. Let your husband (who has no one to look after or blame but himself) deal with him. Have you talked to a Trauma therapist for you?

Another thought: Surely the mormon ladies have a fund for sending deserving women for a day or two at the spa? If not, I'm sure the suggestion would go over well! You need it. Emphasis on need.

Take care of yourself, I'm praying and cheering for you from here too!

 

[Faith Hope and Joy]

The courts issued a warant for my husband for fellony atempted strangulation. I did not find out untill a day later and through a friend at that. The courts and victim advocates definately dropped the ball. He turneed himself in 6 days later. He has been in for 5 days with 150,000 in bail- he is not going anywhere.

His first hearing is on the 16th of this month.

I am back at home and am falling appart on the inside. My husband contacted me in the time between when the warant was issued and when he was picked up. He said everything I wanted to hear. I was so tired and wanted this whole ordeal to be over so badly that I actualy beleived him. It made my heart jump to think that he actualy realized what he did and wants to change. That is untill today when i found out he has been reading my posts on this forum. I was so carfull to not alow him to know I was on here but he still found me. Now I realize that he has not changed at all and that what he said was literaly mimicing back what I had posted. He also tracked down one of my friends that has been a huge support system for me. She has not returned my texts in over a week and now I know why. I still don't know what he said to her- she is just not returning my calls any more.

I feel so stupid for buying into his bulloney. I wanted so badly for what he was saying to be true. None of it is though. I cannot discribe how hurt I feel- how stupid I feel- how used I feel.

I do not feel safe talking to you on the forum anymore. This incredible support system has been turned against me and used to break my heart. Just another way for him to manipulate me and to hurt me. Thanks to all of you who have helped me. You are truely amazing people for finding time for strangers.

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[Eleanor]

((((((FHJ)))))) How unutterably cruel. No one is immune from such cons. Especially when we want to believe, NEED to believe. That is not stupid, it is just human:cry:.

Now I know why I woke up and got up (apart from having left the hose on!) Please change ALL your passwords. If you haven't talked to the battered women's folks yet - you should - there is a lot of practical stuff to cover....
Prayers and MANY MANY hugs.....

 

[BloomInWinter]

He should quake in fear as he is the criminal and should be in prison for a long time.

Hang in there, ((((FHJ)))). You have posted nothing that would yield anything but sympathy and heartache for you and revulsion and disgust towards him by any reasonable person.

 

[ISupportHer]

F,H & J, I know you are fairly new. But if you can keep posting, perhaps being careful so it is not used against you, then eventually you can petition to participate in the private supporters area.

ISH