This morning I sat by the river, contemplating life, (not to end it but what to do with it considering I'm still alive) and a hobo as I used to be one myself came by and joined me. We made a small fire and all my troubles were soaked up in the smoke and carried away by the river for a bit of time. I realized I'm over thinking things, everything. I said to the man."I was once happy" and that I was looking to find happiness again but felt like I was looking in all the wrong places. I'm on disability, and get money on the side biking deliveries. Not enough to live on, but I am still alive. I thought about where I once was in life, and thought about how the man I sat next to was, homeless and seemed much happier than I... I was there once, before all of the stuff happened and had a kid with one of my former abusers. I need to stop seeking revenge, stop seeking and increase in finances even (to please the courts). I need to be me. I cant be the person my son needs me to be if I hate myself.
I need to do everything that it takes to find out who I am now, not who I was, but who I am, and be at peace with that. This acknowledgment made me happy