What Should Be Considered "Self-Destructive"?

[nic]

I had a doctor's appointment today with my gyno. in order to discuss some stuff. I told her that I went off the pill, and I want to have a baby in the near future, even if that means being a single mom. (I have a stable job, support from friends and family, and I really don't care so much about being in a relationship or being married...I just want to have a family.) Anyway, I'm in my late 20s, and I don't think this is such an abnormal desire.

Well, my doctor told me that, in her opinion, this is just another example of my self-destructive behavior. Needless to say, I was a bit hurt by that. First off, I feel like if it weren't for the PTSD, (if I was just a "normal" patient), she wouldn't think that someone wanting to have a child, even if they are singe, would be a self-destructive behavior. Secondly, I felt like I was given an unfair label. I know that in the past I haven't always made the best choices, but who has? I don't drink; I don't smoke; I don't do drugs; I don't cut myself. I think that alone suggests that I'm pretty good at dealing with all the crap that goes along with the trauma and PTSD.

Yes, I dissociate during sex. Yes, I haven't (in the past) always had the safest sexual practices. But that is really an isolated issue; I don't think that having a baby should fall into the category of being self-destructive, especially since I have thought it through...A LOT.

Thoughts???

 

[spiritofnow]

Nic,

I guess the concern comes from the fact that you are willingly wanting to have a child whilst not being in a stable relationsip or perhaps even more importantly having learned to be able to have one.

I understand your desire and of course you are just as worthy as any other woman who wants a family.

I guess, you should remember this......I am a single parent and it breaks my heart that even though my son knows that I truly wanted him, he grieves over not having a present father. He desperately wants to connect with this side of him.

Having a family as you put it, would also be about providing one for your child - providing the best possible environment. And, yes women do and can do it on their own. It is not easy!

I wish I had a partner so that I could share my responsibilties, someone to support me at all times ! Especially, when I am having to be the bad cop and dish out consequences, the list is endless.

Perhaps , having a child would seem like a good distraction from your life? Oh boy, it so is not. In actual fact it magnifies all those insecurites and issues you already have. You have to prepare your child for the world in the most balanced way that you can. This is even harder to achieve while you are working on yourself.

I am not saying no to your idea! I am not saying that you would not make a good mother, but perhaps you should work on you first and then you will have that family you so desire.

Just my thoughts!

Spirit x

 

[becvan]

So, let me recap what I know really quick here. In the pregnancy and ptsd thread you said that you have issues with the gyno and issues with general touch. You are single. Sounds like your planing on being a single mom. You have yet to heal your trauma as your still in the process of healing. That about right?

My thoughts are your only thinking of yourself. A child deserves two parents. On top of deserving that, it's also been proven over and over that a child with two involved parents does much better than one. You want to start off with your child being at a disadvantage. How unfair is that? Single parenting is NOT easy.

Secondly, you have issues with touch and the gyno. So all the necessary exams would be out then? So taking care of your child s health while pregnant just fell into second place didn't it? Also children need love and touch and lot's of it. Ask any of us with children just how rough that can be... Ask our children how it feels to have a parent with touch issues. Watch their self-esteem go down the drain.

Thirdly, your still healing. So on top of the single parent disadvantage, you want to toss a child in with not-yet managed PTSD. I am a single mom with PTSD and let me tell you I didn't do my children any favors. They have had a hard life because of me. Honestly, If I knew back then what I know now, I would not have brought my children into this mess.

Under all these circumstances, I agree with your doc. Your not only being self-destructive but selfish in not thinking about what this future child really needs. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you need to hear this because you keep asking us.

You have plenty of time to have children. I think your obsessing over this. Get yourself on track and meet and fall in love with a nice man first.

Also, why did you go off the pill? Are you going to tell the man you sleep with that your aren't on the pill because you want to get pregnant? Anything less is unfair, wrong and exceptionally... well selfish on top of removing a man's choice. And they do have a right to this choice.

bec

 

[spiritofnow]

Just to add to becvans impressive list; if you have come off of the pill in order to conceive would this be within a stable relationship? If not then how would you know about their sexual history and how safe it is to be with them unprotected - that is destructive behaviour, eh?
How about this nic, imagine you are a mother, and imagine you are the child of you. What would you say to that child that you loved so dearly if they proposed what you are proposing to do - be honset with yourself lovely! :-)
Spirit x

 

[spiritofnow]

I hope you don't feel under attack nic? You are not you know? Thay are words of compassion, wisdom and they are perhaps hard to hear?

Spirit x

 

[2quilt]

Can you afford the monetary expense of a child for the next 18 years? Who will take care of the child when you are not able to do so because of illness, PTSD days, long working hours or when you want to be alone? If you love children, volunteer at a homeless shelter or daycare or a public school so that you can see how well you discipline, handle stress, deal with other people's kids. That will also give you a chance to talk to other single moms about their quality of life.

This is a very big decision. You are making a decision for another person (your kid) so think carefully. You have another 12-15 years to have a baby. Take time to think about all this, and use protection.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I'm going to be the devil's advocate here. My daughter has helped me heal in some of my issues. I see how innocent she is and it gave me a lot of hope.

I didn't start my healing until she was two. One day I looked at her and thought she deserves to have two healthy parents (instead of one). There was something about her that made me what to be a better person.

However, I do feel it was selfish of me to get pregnant without her father wanting the same thing. He is happy now, but it could have went the wrong way so making sure you have a father for the child is important.

Tammy

 

[nic]

While I thank you all for the responses, my question wasn't really about what decision I should make. I do know what is involved in taking care of children; not only am I a high school teacher, but I have also been working in a daycare center all my life. I have seen many families come through the door, and I must say, some of the best, most loving homes were NOT "typical" families. I have no doubt that I can provide a stable, healthy home for a child. (And I think that the fact that my friends with children, my primary care doc as well as psychiatrists past and present are highly supportive of the idea says a lot, especially since they know me best.)

What I was trying to get at in the thread, and perhaps I did not make this clear enough, is why should having a baby be considered self-destructive. What bothered me about this doctor's comment is the fact that I don't think she would think the same way if it weren't for the PTSD. In other words, I feel like the PTSD labels me. Yes, I have issues, but so does everyone else. I don't want the trauma to define me, and just because I have PTSD does not mean that I act according to some pre-determined list of symptoms. This doctor, (the gyn.), only sees me when I am at my worst, as exams are the thing that trigger me most. She is failing to take into account the fact that (even my other doctors have told her) I am a highly functioning person, even with the PTSD.

I think this also goes back to whether lifestyles that seem different should be considered negative. Just because the doctor, (or you all), wouldn't choose this for yourself, does that mean it should be called self-destructive? Let me give an analogy. There are many people, including doctors, who think that being gay/lesbian is wrong, unnatural, and even self-destructive. Add a baby into the situation, and even if these are the best parents in the world, there will still be many people who think this way. Just because it isn't the "norm," and may not be a lifestyle others would want, should this be considered self-destructive? I, for one, don't think so.

Going back to my original list of self-destructive behaviors that I do NOT do, these are obviously harmful things. (drinking, drugs, etc.) I guess I just don't think that having a baby (if a person does knows that she is emotionally and financially prepared to do so) should be put on that same list.

 

[linasmom]

Nic,

Do you know exactly what she was referring to when she said "self destructive". Was it because you have PTSD or was it because she knows that you have done some self-destructive things in the past?

I had a child without being with my daughter's father (I didn't want him in my life anymore). Once I had her, a lot of my "self destructive" behaviors ended. Though if it weren't for my dad and now my husband, I don't know if I would have been able to take care of my daughter, but I think you and I suffer from different PTSD symptoms. I have rage and am hypervigilant, my moods are unpredictable, and I don't sleep well. Combine that with the occasional depressive episode and I can be a mess at times and nonfunctional, which is when my husband and dad step in. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not a very maternal person and I'm not having anymore children.

Just because you have PTSD does not mean that you shouldn't have a child on your own. There are tons of single women who do it. I do, however, hope that you plan on going through therapy this summer (I remember a separate thread about this). Think about all of the procedures and many visits to the doctor that you will have to endure - and there are tons of them.

It seems that you thrive best when you are around kids and maybe having a child of your own will be a positive thing for you. Maybe it wouldn't be for some other woman with PTSD, but I don't think we should all be lumped into one category. We are still individuals.

Best,
Rachel

 

[Nicolette]

Let me play the devil's advocate and ask.... what about the "sperm donor"? While you might be ok with being a single mum does this donor want to be a father? What I mean by that is how would you like someone turning up on your doorstep in 18 years time saying "Hey, I'm your child". Or, on the other hand, how would you handle having a child who has some inherited condition from your "sperm donors" side of the family and the child needs their blood for a transfusion or something???? Do you really know what you are messing with?:think:

Nic, I think you are only considering your wants and desires. While you can do whatever you want with your life please be careful messing with other people's. A man does have a responsibility in having sex but trapping someone is a little cruel if you ask me.

 

[sisu]

I don't think that the choice to have a baby is self-destructive. I don't think that it was your gyno's place to decide your motivation for your decision. It is her job to make sure you have a healthy pregnancy and birth ~ if you do get pregnant.

I am now a single mom and I do fine, although I had both my daughters when I was married. Before I had my kids I was a selfish person. Once you have kids you can no longer be selfish. These little newborn babies need you to survive. They can do nothing on their own and you must teach them everything. Mine are now 9 & 10 and the teaching continues... I am sure as a teacher you know all of this.

I think in todays society there is not a specific definition of a "normal" family. Most families do not have a mom and dad who have never been divorced. Our normal in our family is the fact that we all love and support each other.

Good luck on your decision. Sisu :thumbs-up

 

[Nicolette]

IMHO, there is a big difference in becoming a single mom (where both parents initially consented to having a child) to conspiring to have a child without the man's knowledge or approval.