What To Do When Suicide Is Not An Option Any More???

[Bluerose]

SH can become a habit. Have you tried the elastic band trick; wear it on your wrist and when thoughts of SH present snap the band hard on the inside of your wrist.

Throwing myself into something helps me; a house clear out, games and puzzles, long brisk walks. Anything that occupies my mind.

Sorry if that seems trivial. We are all at different stages of recovery. What works for one may not work for someone else.

Wish I had more to offer.

 

[WendyA]

@Bluerose I appreciate you replying. I know about it being habit forming because I haven't been doing it long at all and I can already see the progression. It makes me sad and ashamed that I've come to this. I still don't know what has happened or why this is all happening to me. I mean I know why I guess, but it seems to have come out of nowhere with all these horrible symptoms and intense pain.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Bluerose It makes me sad and ashamed that I've come to this. I still don't know what has happened or why this is all happening to me. I mean I know why I guess, but it seems to have come out of nowhere with all these horrible symptoms and intense pain.

Oh @WendyA , not much words of wisdom but I so 'get this', same thing occurred for me.

Hug if that's ok. :hug:

 

[WendyA]

@Junebug those were words of wisdom, thank you! :hug:

 

[ms spock]

I still don't know what has happened or why this is all happening to me. I mean I know why I guess, but it seems to have come out of nowhere with all these horrible symptoms and intense pain.

Try to work on self soothing. (Hilarious that comment coming from me.)

Feel you pain, I really understand.

 

[jd9900]

Hello WendyA. I want you to know that I still mean the positive things I have said, and often re-read what I wrote to you to remind me of the fact we are still good people on the inside.

It's nice to see you here still, I just wish I could help make you happier, as you have for me. Please try to remember that being different and special is not always a bad thing. Bluerose, you give excellent suggestions for handling this stress, thanks for that.

 

[ms spock]

I know about it being habit forming because I haven't been doing it long at all and I can already see the progression. It makes me sad and ashamed that I've come to this. I still don't know what has happened or why this is all happening to me. I mean I know why I guess, but it seems to have come out of nowhere with all these horrible symptoms and intense pain.

Can you write a list of other stress relieving ways to manage your emotions? That can be helpful because when you are in it it can be hard to work to think of alternative options. Lists are good.

 

[WendyA]

I go back and read these posts too trying to find hope. Maybe it is the holidays coming up, maybe I am just getting worse, I don't know, but I am finding it hard to even string complete thoughts together. I make stupid mistakes, I can't make decisions, my brain actually burns from the activity going on up there and my heart feels like it breaks every second all over again. I am so lost and empty and can't believe what has happened to my life in a matter of months. Its like a switch was turned off and the person I was has been forced into advanced darkness with no light whatsoever. I don't recognize who I am. I look into the mirror and don't see anything in my eyes other than two black holes. I don't know how anyone gets through this, there is no quality of life and I am doing things and acting in ways that I would never, in a million years, do. I always thought of myself as strong, independent and a survivor, however, now I am the complete polar opposite. I am insecure, feel very vulnerable and am barely keeping my head above water. It physically feels like I'm drowning and as I type this out I can feel the water entering my lungs. I am so afraid I don't have much time left. There is no quality of life here. If I was a dog, my owners would have put me down to be merciful. I had fight in me at one point and I feel like this thing has taken all that and my life away. 5 months ago I was in no way perfect and I still obviously had my baggage, but this has taken over to the point where I don't even feel like a real person anymore.

I'm sorry if this seems negative and not at all willing to try your suggestions, but this is where I'm at. I feel like I literally can't do anything to help myself, no matter how hard I try. Even now I am sitting here knowing I need to go to the gym and that it does help a little to workout, but I just can't move. Physically my body will not leave this spot. I'm like a toddler. I need to be physically pulled and bargained with. Also, my support person, best friend, lifeline, and love of my life is away this weekend and needs time to himself and I have been trying to give him space, but I have separation anxiety (just like a toddler). I have been reduced to being a child in so many ways and not in the good ways I felt I acted like a child before. I was fun-loving and goofy and laughed all the time. I can't tell you the last time I felt any of that or really even smiled. It is so incredibly tragic!

Thank you all for being patient and for still coming here to type such wonderful things and give such loving suggestions. I can only hope that some day after me re-reading several times that one day I will truly "hear" what you say and believe it and be able to use it. For now, just know that I do pay attention I'm just not capable at the moment. I am still breathing so I am still somewhat fighting I guess. I just am not sure who is going to win at this point, me or the PTSD.

xoxo

 

[ms spock]

I go back and read these posts too trying to find hope. Maybe it is the holidays coming up, maybe I am just getting worse,

Lots and lots of people get worse around Xmas and the holidays. It is not a time for improvements. It is a time for holding on for dear life to get through. Have no expectations of yourself.

I don't know, but I am finding it hard to even string complete thoughts together. I make stupid mistakes, I can't make decisions, my brain actually burns from the activity going on up there and my heart feels like it breaks every second all over again.

I relate, and so will many other people. It is hard to make decisions when you are feeling low. Back down on your expectations of yourself. Make sure you eat and bathe and be safe.

I am so lost and empty and can't believe what has happened to my life in a matter of months. Its like a switch was turned off and the person I was has been forced into advanced darkness with no light whatsoever. I don't recognize who I am. I look into the mirror and don't see anything in my eyes other than two black holes. I don't know how anyone gets through this, there is no quality of life and I am doing things and acting in ways that I would never, in a million years, do.

It is good you have a person to return to being pre trauma. So you were there once and you can get there again - albeit with a lot of hard work.

I always thought of myself as strong, independent and a survivor, however, now I am the complete polar opposite. I am insecure, feel very vulnerable and am barely keeping my head above water. It physically feels like I'm drowning and as I type this out I can feel the water entering my lungs. I am so afraid I don't have much time left. There is no quality of life here. If I was a dog, my owners would have put me down to be merciful. I had fight in me at one point and I feel like this thing has taken all that and my life away. 5 months ago I was in no way perfect and I still obviously had my baggage, but this has taken over to the point where I don't even feel like a real person anymore.

Yes I relate it is part of the PTSD. Just keep holding on until after Xmas and the holidays are done.

I'm sorry if this seems negative and not at all willing to try your suggestions, but this is where I'm at. I feel like I literally can't do anything to help myself, no matter how hard I try.

Helplessness and hopelessness is very common - just keep doing the few basics that you can do.

Even now I am sitting here knowing I need to go to the gym and that it does help a little to workout, but I just can't move.

I relate to what you are saying. It is hard.

Also, my support person, best friend, lifeline, and love of my life is away this weekend and needs time to himself and I have been trying to give him space, but I have separation anxiety (just like a toddler).

I relate to feeling like being a child. It is so hard to do anything.

Are there some crisis lines that you can ring? Do you have other support people? It is a good idea to get a few support people so you don't burn out your partner. Something to think about when you are feeling a little better in the new year.

I have been reduced to being a child in so many ways and not in the good ways I felt I acted like a child before. I was fun-loving and goofy and laughed all the time. I can't tell you the last time I felt any of that or really even smiled. It is so incredibly tragic!

I have been fake laughing. It is sad but not the end of the world.

Thank you all for being patient and for still coming here to type such wonderful things and give such loving suggestions. I can only hope that some day after me re-reading several times that one day I will truly "hear" what you say and believe it and be able to use it. For now, just know that I do pay attention I'm just not capable at the moment. I am still breathing so I am still somewhat fighting I guess. I just am not sure who is going to win at this point, me or the PTSD.
xoxo

Most of us have been there. Still breathing is great - means subject to change at anytime.

 

[jd9900]

WendyA - it's a very hard but special time of year for me. I'm wondering if you would be willing to try something. heh, consider it a Christmas present to me. ....

Look into a mirror, if you don't mind, and see that person that glows inside. Embrace her, You, and for no good reason have a wonderful moment. Then, even if you feel kicked down and left out of the cold, dust yourself off, remind yourself you can stand very strong, and.....

Shine. I only know you from here, and from what you have said, but I KNOW you can shine. Let it feel like an obligation - a payment for back debt that you owe your soul.

I imagine it feels like every time you try to do that someone is there to kick you down, to try to steal that thing inside of you that makes you special.

Don't let them. ALWAYS remember that you can get back up, that you can learn from both their mistakes and yours, and that you are simply Better Than That.

Then.....after you do all of that, put on your favorite song and sing and dance like you are the only one in the Universe that matters to you. Just for a few moments. I believe it will remind you of why you love yourself and why you DO want to live.

I hope your holidays are Blessed and also hope you don't feel I am preaching. I am not trying to. I just think cool people like you deserce to wear more smiles. :)


Peace and happiness, my friend.

 

[Firelamb67]

Still trying to figure out how to navigate, so I apoligise for any errors up front.

I went back and re-read all of the posts and I am truly amazed at the support and encouragement(sp?).

Las_can_fly: I'm starting EMDR in Jan, assuming I can handle it. I've done a lot of research on it and couldn't find anything bad about it. In fact everything I read about says it very successful for PTSD. But I have also read that it can be rough because you have bring up a memory and stay focused on it while your eyes are looking at a specific movement for a specified amount of time. From what I've read, it's supposed to move that memory to a different part of your brain where it doesn't affect you so bad and I THINK it makes that particular memory harder to access. When I first heard about I thought it was hokey pokey psyco babble. I don't think that way anymore. But check it out it may be helpful.

Finding this forum has been the best thing ever. (except finding a super psych doc) I have found other people who struggle with the same things I do. I don't feel so alone with all this stuff.

Hope I said something that resonates with you.

 

[jd9900]

Guess what,Fire? The more you embrace that wonderful person inside of you screaming to become one with you, the more you will know love, peace and success is and has already been in your hands all this time.