What To Tell A Child About Mental Illness

[sugnim]

I have a 3-year-old son, and I am not sure what to tell him about mental illness. My mother suffers from bipolar issues, depression, and delusional thinking. Recently, her symptoms have become so bad that I have had to distance myself from her for my own health, safety, and continued healing. She is currently not a safe person to have around my son, but I do not know how to tell him that. He asks to see her and asks if she can come to our house. I don't want to lie to him, but I also don't want to traumatize him or have him think bad things about his family. Has anyone else gone through this? Thanks.

 

[joeylittle]

Does your son have a framework for his own moods? Like sad mood, bad mood - and how mood relates to behavior?

 

[Keen]

I have a 3-year-old son, and I am not sure what to tell him about mental illness. My mother suffers from...

Could you simply tell him that his grandma is sick and that that is the reason you can't be around her? And if he asked if she was better yet, just say it is a really long illness? You could explain that just like we can't play with friends who have chicken pox cause then we can get sick too, your mom has an illness called bipolar and being around her could make you sick too (which is true!)
3 is pretty young to understand much beyond that.

 

[Kintsugi]

Three is very young, but I'll say that when my friend's husband had to go to a psych ward last month, his six-year-old seemed to understand pretty well that his father was in the hospital because he was sick. I think using "being sick" as an explanation works more or less for young children. When I was about 8, I was told a boy I knew was very sick and in the hospital. I had no idea that he was in a psych ward, and he was there for about four years.

Again, three is much younger, so I don't know. I think joeylittle's questions get at an important query; can the child understand how mood and behavior are related? The answer might be useful in explaining the issue.

 

[Friday]

I have what I told my son -about his grandmother- at about that age (all age appropriate instead of the garbled mess below) written down somewhere. My memory is toast at the moment, but I'll try & find it. The main points (I think!) were:

- It's not communicable / can't catch it (like a broken arm, not like the flu) ... So he didn't worry about himself, or me, or the dog, or anyone else he loved getting it.

- Why it's not safe / dangerous to be around her right now, and sometimes we have to stay away, even from people we love.

- Why we stayed away, instead of helping (like when he was sick or in danger and I was always right there // how this was a different thing)... Again, so he wouldn't worry that I (or the dog, or his nana, or anyone else he loved) would leave him alone, or be left alone... or be confused (I'm rather notorious for rushing into dangerous situations, which by 3, he was well aware of. This was one of the many conversations we had about different kinds of danger.)

My bottom line in telling him was in protecting him. Kids extrapolate like nobodies business. So everthing I told him was geared to ease the fears that would crop up because of telling him. Similar to how when I'd throw his dad out his understanding of it was "Daddy's on a BIG timeout!" ((Aka it was his dad's behavior, and his dad's choices, not my sons fault that caused it & not anything my son could do to fix it. ))

 

[Recovery4Me]

Cognitive development of language at an toddler's age, really isn't equipped for lengthy discussions that some of us with PTSD may tend to want to offer. Keep it simple, light and perhaps redirect with a nice playgroup set up for socializing.

Sometimes, I offered something as simple as Grandmom's busy or not today. Then gently redirected or changed the subject to address a possible longing for social interaction expressed by my Son. I prompted some playtime, singing a song together, or initiating an pretend game for a few minutes. Seemed to work well for a few years.

 

[sugnim]

Thanks for all of your suggestions. My son does understand and have language to discuss feelings and how they affect our behavior. He is also pretty sensitive, so when others are upset, he likes to comfort them. When others are sick, he wants to know if they need a kleenex.

I'm not at all a fan of re-directing kids.

I have to have a meeting with his preschool teacher today to let her know that my mother may try to go to my son's school to see him or even to take him, and to ask that the teacher not allow my mother into the school at all. I will talk with the teacher about some ideas for discussing this with my son.

For now, all I am left with is something like, "Granny's brain doesn't feel well, and she needs some time to herself until her brain feels better." Which I know will be followed by, "Why?"

 

[The Albatross]

I think that cognitive age appropriate redirection is something worth reconsidering but that's just me.

 

[sugnim]

I think that cognitive age appropriate redirection is something worth reconsidering but that's jus...

I understand, but I don't feel that redirection is appropriate for any age group. It's off topic, but in case you're curious, here are some reasons redirection might not be a good thing: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/0...dont-need-redirection-and-what-to-do-instead/ Still, I understand that all people parent a little differently. So, if redirection works for you and your family, that's great. It's just not something I choose to do.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I agree that with everyday matters (such as behavioral manners or impulse control) , conflict resolution and the acceptance as well as the development of your toddler's boundaries is a must. However where I see a difference in your offer is that (Grandma is sick in the brain ) which allows for the child to repeat it at some point to your mother and possibly be faced with her emotional reaction. As well you may be adding weighted worry to a small child.

If you, among many other members on this board have PTSD then there is also your mental disability to consider and the attachment formation in language to the words "sick" when your child notices anyone that falls into the DSMV. Considering that there are many people carrying bi-polar, depression concerns, emotional and mentally challenged, among other diagnosis- (your toddler may run across in life)...perhaps it may not be the best political choice for down the road with differences and tolerance grooming. Saftey or spirituality of your Mom is a different theme.

You had asked for opinions and my son's childhood T (to handle a possible sexual assault during that time) recommended lessening the weight of why he could not see that babysitter anymore by redirection in a neutral happy tone. And of course there was my Mother or his Grandmother that also falls within the DSM5 and the needed disconnect (to protect him from further physical abuse, ect).

So perhaps consider that the article that you presented was not in respect to attachments of people : although it is indeed very informative. Peace be with you on your personal choice and best of wishes. ((((hugs)))

 

[joeylittle]

My son does understand and have language to discuss feelings and how they affect our behavior.

From your OP, it sounds like your mother's primary symptoms are around mania/agitation?

"brain doesn't feel well" is a little more high-concept than I think you might want at this age. If he understands feelings and behavior, think only in terms of feelings and behavior. I don't know what his translation for 'edgy' or 'wound-up" would be - but telling him that "granny has a kind of illness that makes her feel wound-up all the time, and she can't make it stop on her own. So, she's trying different kinds of medicine to help her."

I'm assuming that there's a notion of 'wound-up' (or however you call it in your household) that he will know how to equate with being tired, irritable, tearful, and lashing out. Even better if he understands that loud noises or too much stuff happening, when he's wound-up, make him feel worse and behave worse.

I'm also assuming that he knows it's not a good feeling. The idea that she can't make it stop may be a little scary for him, but the medicine is an important element that balances that.

It's important that he identify with how grandma feels, that the feeling is unpleasant, that it's not anyone's fault, that there's medicine. Things that are about "until she feels better" create a future point that is unnecessarily anxiety-inducing. Keep the whole conversation in the now. If it gets to the future - "will she be OK" you can be honest with saying that you hope so and believe so. If you are religious he can add her to prayers - or send her good thoughts, or whatever is appropriate in your cosmology.

Questions about 'why' won't be hard - either you remind him about why he gets wound-up (all sorts of reasons), and you can tell him as a fact that people can get 'stuck' in their feelings. He probably has an experience you can identify with this. Keep coming back to how he would experience it, and how he can understand that having alone-time is really just the natural, best thing.

Because, it actually is. This is all legit. It's about informing him from an empathetic (identification) stance, instead of an observatory stance.

If your mom is completely refusing medication, then you'll need to use whatever she may be trying, or could be trying. Eat good food, get enough sleep, exercise - these are all things that can help her get un-stuck from feeling wound-up.

I hope this helps, some.

 

[Thizette]

Thanks for all of your suggestions. My son does understand and have language to discuss feelings and ho...

I think @Friday and @Recovery4Me have wonderful thoughts. Kids can understand a lot more than we give them credit for if we keep the language at their level. What we often don't plan for is where their thoughts and worries will take them. I think it's ok to say that grandma is sick, or her brain is not well right now.

Also, I recommend mini cupcakes after this discussion takes place. They are a great balm to children.